Ohhh ITH this sure is a rollercoaster. Just like Daisy is going through right now too on figuring out how she feels about her H, we ALL go through it. I know all too well when all this first happened I was soo bitter after the first month that he left. I hated him, I wanted nothing to do with such an irresponsible man that couldn't appreciate me, I could do better!!!
Of course I have come off that train of thought and feel that my M is something worth saving now.
So please rant, rave and vent all you want here. Get it out. There are definatly going to be days that you are not positive and days that you are. Go dark for awhile and just work on yourself right now. Do whatever you can to have a PMA!!
(((ITH))) im sorry your H is spitting such venom at you. and i agree - this is the worlds craziest rollercoaster ride. ever.
I am happy you got to see what changes you are making for your M. it will only make you a more amazing woman! all these changes are for US. really. it also happens to help our M's.
I think maybe your H is so confused at the "new" you - he is pissed and doesnt know how to act.
i would say dont give up- keep up the DBing.
But he has no right to treat you the way he is- it isnt about you at all. nothing warrants that kind of rage. it is his own inner demons. just saty lovingly distant.
You seem very detached-a nd i think that is part of this process. i think your H is doing you a favor actually by being this way- it s allowing you to deatch from his emotional ups and downs. otherwise you would get motion sickness!
i agree- vent and scream and cry here. xo xo P
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Welcome to my boat. Sorry to see you here. It's not a fun place.
One thing that just popped into my head was a convo I had with my hubby when we were at the beach this past weekend. He said something annoying, something he knew I would flip over, but instead I just was positive and gave an upbeat answer and as soon as I said it I could tell something changed in the way he was acting and he got kinda pissy. I was like WTF? I did the right thing and he still gets mad. So I asked him outright and said "why does that make you mad" and he said "I just wasn't expecting that answer. I figured you would freak out" which is his term for me getting angry and lashing out. So I said "so you get upset when I don't react the way you thought I would?" and he said "kinda"
Holy cow I was/am confused about that. First why say something specifically to piss me off and then when it doesn't you pout like a little boy whose toy has been taken away! You just can't win with these WAH!
I just thought of that when I was reading your posts because it seems like maybe your H is doing the same thing. Although I cannot tell you why they do it!
Anyways I hope you feel better soon. I hope we both do.
Daisy, I do think you're right that H is mad because I'm not reacting the way he expected me to. Jody said that he is likely softening to me, and this makes him angry because he had felt better about the way things were given his first perception of me--the new perception has thrown him off. I really like that example with your H. That was really helpful.
Pisces, I am feeling more detached from his anger, only still nervous about my return to Dublin and how I will pull this off. Crossing my fingers we have Poland in the interim to test the waters. I also agree that nothing in our sitch warrants his level of rage. I mentioned this to Jody and we agreed that he was as angry as if I had had an A or something. Maybe that would warrant this level of rage. The rage does help me to see that this is definitely his problem, and I am not feeling that guilty anymore, which is a good thing. I just hope HE doesn't start feeling too guilty.
In fact last night, about 20 minutes after I posted this, I was online and H was on IM at school. I shut the computer down partially because I was annoyed and pretty sick of seeing him online from school for some reason. It just reminded me of our life together, me being at home in the evenings and him being at school. This morning I see he tried to IM me. "Hi just saying hi, how are you doing?" "Oh you're not online, ok saying bye now, bye". Whatever. I love how he tells Jody things are better now because we talk less but he is always reaching out. That makes twice that he wanted to see how I was doing yesterday. Yes, I think he is either feeling guilty or seeing if I am going to say something. My guess is he expects me to say something OR to mention Poland, neither of which are going to happen.
OK I'll post later with any updates. As usual, I will remain dark from my end...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I did get sleep. I am just really confused right now, more than I have been I think for this entire time. I feel more detached, but still very unhappy if this makes sense. I think H is acting like a child, and I am just so upset because I know this is not really him. I have never seen him like this. If I don't handle the next month perfectly, and moving back in perfectly, he could do something really major to damage the relationship beyond repair. He already thinks it is very damaged, and it is, but he hasn't yet exactly verbalized that there is no hope for it. He sort of acts like he wishes there were hope, but that he is not willing to work on it. It needs to just appear as do his feelings about wanting to be married. This would be nice...
I am very confused about what my next steps should be in terms of going back, and even Jody thought this was a hard one. If I knew for sure that me giving him an extra 30 days or something would soften him, I would make this happen no matter what it took. As it is, I just know that without any guarantees or gestures of reconciliation, I need to get back into my own home to have SOME peace of mind and stability. If I don't approach this in the right way, I will scare H away, and this might be to the point of no return. However I don't want to have a conversation like this with him via email or IM or even phone. I think he needs to man up a little honestly. He is 36 years old now and acting like a teenager with no responsibilities. I guess this is classic MLC. I am trying now to find a way to put the ball in HIS court, for him to think about our finances for the next few months, and how they impact on his school and other things that HE wants to do. If he can make the connection between the shortage of money, his own tuition, and the expenses of having another apartment, maybe he would be more open. The problem is he wants control over EVERYTHING, but he isn't living in reality, so he can't see what's going on. The only reason that we are able to live like we do now is because I am not paying for my apartment in Poland. My company can't support my broken heart forever.
If you have ANY ideas about how to plant this seed in his mind, I'd love to hear them. Problem is he is already angry over finances like the problems with them are already all my fault so I don't know if this will add fuel to his fire of rage. My one bargaining chip here is that the money to pay his tuition comes from my stocks and bonuses, so if he were not with me at all, the tuition couldn't be covered. I would never say this, but I would hope he could recognize this on his own.
I guess I'm just feeling a bit--not hopeless, but lost. I am 99% sure that if I could be back in the house and he gave it a few weeks chance, things would be OK between us, even if challenging and not exactly what I wanted. It's funny because he talked about this temporary roommate that he has, and said that he is like a "quiet version of me". This roommate sounded like the only person he could be around. Jody felt like he was saying he could be around me if I were quiet and unobtrusive. However he needs to see this for an extended period of time before believing it. It's the chicken and egg thing here...
So this is why I hope Poland works out.
Anyway if you have any suggestions or advice I'd love to hear them/it!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
That's good you feel more detached. This is going to be really hard and I know the unhappiness you feel.
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If I don't handle the next month perfectly, and moving back in perfectly, he could do something really major to damage the relationship beyond repair.
Don't put so much pressure on yourself. This really much more about him and that is something you can't control.
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He sort of acts like he wishes there were hope, but that he is not willing to work on it
This is classic WAS, and some marriages on here are busted so keep hope.
You can't predict what is going to happen so I'd really just sit back for a little while and carry on as you are. Work on making you happy for a little while and then you will be better placed to handle his stuff. I know this seems impossible but it really does help. It is really hard but it does help.
The WAS's often aren't living in reality in terms of practicality - you saw the battles with finances I had with my h and getting him to take some responsibility even when the answer was SOOOOOOO simple.
I haven't given up hope as it's a very long road even if he suddenly were to turn around and say he wanted D for sure. I don't know how far I'm willing to go for the marriage, but I know that I need to keep going until I feel like I am done or until things are better. I do have faith in him as a person and in our connection and love, even if it's buried deep within him at the moment. At least he likes me again, based on the things he says about me, even if he acts like he hates me. The fact that he reached out twice yesterday to ask how I am says a lot to me. It could just be coming from his own guilt, but it does mean that he has some feelings beyond anger toward me. The worst was when he felt dead to me...I also like that I wasn't available when he reached out last night.
Yeah you're right that I'm putting lots of pressure on myself. It just sort of came from Jody warning me that he isn't rational right now, so I need to be prepared for the fact that he could make a really irrational move and my actions COULD trigger this. I guess I can't blame myself for that though. I just need to decide what is the best thing to do in this situation, and have a clear and calm conscience in relation to whatever the different outcomes could be.
In terms of his lack of hope, the fact that he is getting on the joint sessions still says SOMETHING to me. I do think he has hope buried deep inside. It's only that he doesn't have the emotional energy to do anything with it. He would have to decide to give things a go or at least to not actively deny the hope. I highly doubt that his feelings will just come rushing back (unless he sees me everyday looking really cute around the house :)).
Yeah my H is definitely not living in reality at all. I just would like it if I didn't have to be the one to break it to him, as I don't want him to feel controlled or angry. I would like to find a subtle way to encourage him to start looking at finances on his own, but I just don't know how to do this without nagging, being pressuring, or making it look like I am angling to come home early.
I'm trying to carry on...just SO many things in limbo right now in addition to my marriage. I have no money, and there are business trips I need to plan but these are sort of contingent on when I go back to Dublin, so trying to let them ride as long as possible...
Thanks for your post. I'll visit your sitch soon :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Just journaling because I'd like to add some positives to my otherwise negative last few posts. I am going to list out my September goals that were met. These all have to do with my H, but they are what I want to focus on at the moment, and there were things that I did to help increase the likelihood of these things happening:
-H will comment on the positive changes he has seen within me -H will say that he has not felt pressured recently -H will say that he wants to continue having biweekly joint sessions (even though I don't now!) -H will bring up a trip to Poland of his own accord -H will start using pleasantries in contact, how are yous etc -H will use nicknames with me again (every once in awhile) -We will have sex and he will initiate -H will joke around with me sometimes -H will say that all of our interactions have been pleasant and comfortable
OK these are my positives. I am having a very hard time now not reaching out to H, but I will hang tight for awhile longer, actually as long as it takes until he wakes up or I get back to Dublin. Jody said something interesting yesterday that the rest of you might want to know. She said that when people write their spouses letters, 97% of the time there is no response, or no positive response. I am dying to write a letter, so really glad she told me this...
Alright, I should try to do SOME work now...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
It's OK to be mad. In fact, I think sometimes it's constructive. The tough, yet oh so important, part is that you can't act on that anger. It can do a lot of damage.
So, this is the part where it's most important for you to get your own life and not worry about what he's doing. Time to focus on you some more.
