Puppy: What do you think you would have done had your W moved out after your initial or secondary confrontation?
Would it have affected your actions?
How would you have handled the difference in the dynamic of her not living with you anymore?
HTTE
That's a great question.
I think it would have been harder for her to see "the new Choc./Puppy" lived out in front of her daily, so I would have had to come up with some other ways for her to get that glimpse. "Tough love" only works if they see the "love" along with the "tough." Since she lived with me, at the end of a brutal day of exposure or financial firewalling or whatever, I could cover her up when she fell asleep on the couch and plant a small kiss on her forehead, or let her see me being tender with our daughter or son, or I could do a simple act of kindness like pull her car into the garage for her when it was dark outside.
If we were living separately, and I didn't have the chance to do those things where she could SEE them, then the harsh things that I needed to do might have had to have been softened somewhat maybe? I don't know, I never thought of this before.
I think I would to have also been a little sneakier with the "look good/smell good", generate-a-little-jealousy stuff. Would have had to make sure that some third parties got some things back to her, kwim???
It also would have DEFINITELY altered the gathering of my intel, dramatically, and it was this (and how negative much of it was) that helped steel my resolve and also helped with my strategy and tactics. I think I would have been "flying on instruments" a lot more than I was (just one example that comes to mind, I knew that OM had belittled her going back to work full-time, after being a SAHM for 20+ years, and how much that bothered her. So one night, as she said her perfunctory "g'nite" and started to head upstairs to her sleeping-bag-on-the-floor of my daughter's old bedroom, I said "Oh, I just wanted to say that I'm really proud of you getting your certification and going back to work full-time. I know that was a lot of work, and it's very impressive." She was stunned -- "Thanks," she said, her voice melting.)
