5 weeks remain til next chapter starts

[istherehope]

Hi Pisces and all,

I just had my individual session with Jody. She said that H is really spewing venom right now, and can't see anything but himself and his own problems. Now she isn't as sure about me moving back into the house in the same way as she was sure before, and thinks we shouldn't do the joint sessions anymore unless H specifically mentions them again. She said that she feels they meet a need for him, a need for me to listen to him vent, about me. She said I did a great job on the call. Yes I think I did too.

She said yes he has seen all of the changes, and they don't match his impression of who I am supposed to be. In fact he didn't even bring up seeing me recently. Jody had to drag it out of him because she knew about it from me. She thinks he is REALLY angry, that this is one stage of depression, and that this is all he can feel or see right now, and that everything will be my fault as I have become his scapegoat. She says that IF I just move back into the house now, I will have to execute flawlessly, and confidently, will have to be very clear that it is about finances, because we need to focus on paying for his grad school and thus can't afford 2 separate living arrangements. She said it may still be the best way to go, but that I will have to be super-cool about it, and REALLY pull it off flawlessly. She knows of someone else who did this, but the H had an OW too, so this was even more tricky.

We both agreed that IF he comes to Poland, this will be the best possible outcome as he will get to spend time with me outside of the contested house, and will get to see that this kind of time together is OK. I am not holding my breath though as he does not live in reality. Honestly I'm getting pretty mad and not believing a word my H says (probably a good thing) other than the fact that he has no energy for anything but himself. She also said that the next time he brings up this not wanting to be married, I should say something like "I've heard all you said and this gives me a lot to think about". She thinks that he needs to feel that I am a part of this equation too. Right now he is sitting in our house, with our pets and our things, and living in this land where I will never come back. I can't believe I am actually married to someone whose current fantasy is that I never reappear. I even had to laugh a few times when Jody and I talked about it as it is all just so ridiculous. His tuition is late because I chose for us to go on a safari (thought it was our dream vacation and we also paid for his mom's vacation 1 month before). The relationship is badly damaged because I was controlling. I was cynical. I didn't listen when I should have etc. etc., but still I'm "not a bad person." I picked everything that we did together, but by his own admission he didn't have ideas about things to do himself. I am pretty mad right now, and just honestly not sure what my next steps are going to be. I am not going to contact H, that is for sure. I have another 30 days, which I may extend with some vacation in the US. I need to time it to get back on a Monday or something where there is the LEAST chance of him having time to flip out on me. If someone had told me last year that this would be my H now, I would have laughed. I really don't even know this man right now. The one positive is that H is very unlikely to get an OW because he has no tolerance for closeness with anyone. Jody said if he DID do something like this it would likely be meaningless and out of revenge, as this seems to be what he's feeling right now.

Sorry for not being more positive, but even Jody thought he was incredibly negative toward me and the relationship, and this is very hard to deal with. So for me now, it is more of the same, no contact.

Pisces, in terms of my own changes, really they just hit me like a ton of bricks. It only took a few sessions with Jody for me to realize everything that I'd been doing wrong in the marriage, and by extension the things that I needed to change about myself, and I just stopped. Things like compassion and realizing I currently have unconditional love for my H took awhile as I needed to realize what his depression was like, and how this was impacting on him. I have yet to slip up recently, it's been 20 days now with not even a minor backslide. The changes are real, but to be honest I am less sure now about how much effort I want to put into this M. I know that sounds really bad, but I am putting loads of effort into being with someone who would probably say that he hates me right now. Of course I do want to save the marriage, I really do. I just need to see what happens when I get back to Dublin. The next few months I think will tell me a lot.

Ugh. It's actually sort of good to feel mad to be honest, as at least I won't go home crying tonight. I can last until next month. I can do it. Next month good things happen for sure.

Pisces thanks for always being so positive, really. It's only today I feel like I am not married anymore for the first time ever, like that man I knew no longer exists. Things might change tomorrow. This is the rollercoaster ride after all...

ITH