I can circle and circle - but the answer is always BALANCE!
As I wade through my whacked out views with respect to LTR's in my head... I read something on another thread that I need to find a way to believe...
Quote:
We get used to being on our own, doing everything for ourselves, and protecting others from our problems. It's hard to change that over when we love someone and want to be with them. Remember that sharing ourselves means the good AND the bad. If we keep our problems from them, or take the stance that it isn't their concern because we don't want them burdened, we are far more likely to hurt them and make them feel mistrusted. They signed on to be WITH us, not just near us.
I guess I need to stop making assumptions of what a future P may think and perhaps give men a chance to speak - and trust that they actually know what they are talking about...
A man (and his GF) that I met at The Resort challenged me point blank saying that I wouldn't go out with him if he asked me out b/c my standards were so out of whack. Of course I conveniently pointed out to him - he was in violation of R rule #345,324 - he had a GF so the point was mute. They were frustrated with me - his GF jumped in and said "he was single 4 1/2 years ago - you wouldn't have gone out with him then either." Very confusing hypothetical discussion being challenged by a couple!
He is right - I probably would have turned him down if he was single... He is successful and financially probably does better than I do and is +/- 3 years. He was 6 feet tall and very cute - and well he is training to qualify for the Ironman in Hawaii - so really an unbelievable body when it comes to the physical... Interesting, smart - and had no qualms about standing up to me and seeing through my BS... But I proabably would make up a new R rule...
He (and his GF) accused me of diminishing a man's ability to decide/think for himself by deciding on his behalf that an R with me would just not work out. He accused me of insulting male intelligence in general...
And I understand what lodo's xw did... I can see it so clearly. I don't want to do what she did...offload a P to streamline... I need to resolve this issue BEFORE I can allow myself to consider an LTR... It just is not fair to a potential P...
Ya know, AG, you've droned on and on for years about "someday" having a LTR. You know, don't you, that in order for that to happen, you have to actually go out on a DATE???
OK, I understand your angst about getting into another R. We all have had that after what we've been through. However, any man that looks at you, smiles at you, says hello to you is not "after" you. You give no one a chance. You assume the worst. Did you ever think that maybe they're just happy to be alive that day? I'll talk to anyone. It's cause I'm happy and friendly. I sure as hell hope they don't think I'm hitting on them!!!
Your looks have nothing to do with why you seem to be unapproachable. It's your entire vibe. You have a "me against the world vibe/get them before they get me vibe."
I'm challenging you to go on a "real" date. Join a service. Practice dating. It's actually fun and maybe SOMEDAY you'll have to think about a LTR. You're putting way to much thought into something that can never happen without a DATE.
And.......dates "usually" do not turn into LTRs. But.....they can!!!
You make a lot of good points. I also have a tendency to share the good with my friends while "shielding" them from my problems.
And the point you make with respect to your boys also strikes a chord with me. As a part of the adoption process as a single parent, you have to legally pick a guardian for your children as a part of the process in case something happens to you.
While I would never ask for help for myself - I did ask a good friend if they would be willing to be my backup. I needed to ask for help.
(i) Contain work to weekdays only - even if I procrastinate and get nothing done;
(ii) Continue to make sure my weekends are booked with GAL events and do not cancel these events - even if I a behind at work b/c I procrastinated and got nothing done;
(iii) The Block is a chicken/egg thing...
When one interviews for a job - you put your best foot forward - and let your employers figure out you aren't perfect after the fact!
This one is tough. I do not want to use men as guinea pigs to work through my issues. But really as a part of dating to say - "Yes, I would love to go out with you - but really I am warning you - I am exceptionally R-challenged and really you need to sign here acknowledging that you are proceeding at your own risk and that you understand the extent of the risks involved." - not really sure that is the right thing to say...
I guess I will wait till someone intrigues me and say "Can I get back to you on that in a week?" And then come here and post for guidance and then go back with an answer!
I will continue to put myself out there. Inspite of all my angst - I am still continuing to do that...
Tomorrow the black tie fundraiser is a big step for me - I haven't really dressed up in years. GF is going full length formal and her H is going in a tux. I am also going full length blue formal flowing closely fitting with spagetti straps. Silver high heels. Dangly silver earrings - no necklace. I will ask GF to help me with the make up...she has that sense of style thing. I had my annual haircut three weeks ago - it is short as in above the shoulder - and it hasn't grown out yet - so that should be fine....
Gulp - it is TOMORROW!!! I may have to steal some anti-anxiety drugs... I have to be ready by 5:30. And it from 6 till midnight...
It is possible I will be the only single person and I will be relieved. But it is the mindset. I will make the full effort to look as nice as possible. And my neighbor and her H will be there - if I meet some gorgeous smart interesting single guy and need to run away and hide.
