For the most part, I don't think I can fix his self-esteem, but I am very glad that he's in therapy for himself. I am trying to show more appreciation, but I know I could be doing a lot better with that.

Things already have changed, in that at least he's sharing these doubts with me so I can respond. I guess I get a bit scared because the stuff he thinks about when he gets in a funk is all the same crap that led to him having an A and planning to leave me in the first place.

When he was in pre-A mode, I couldn't figure out why he was so withdrawn, grumpy, depressed, unhappy. He wouldn't talk to me so I could help to diffuse some of his assumptions. I would try to get him to tell me what was going on, but he wouldn't talk.

Just between us, don't you think that whole "any sign of unhappiness or stress is a sign that life just isn't working as is and it should be discarded" thinking is just plain immature????

I told H that I didn't have expectations of being happy all the time. In a long-term relationship, there will be times of sorrow, times of frustration and anger, times of basic contentment, and times of joy. I believe that there are also times in a M that you fall in and out of love. The commitment part means that you are there for ALL of it with that person. That's having a full and rich life, enit?

Honestly, I don't get where he thinks I was so unsatisfied with him in the first place. I was never really bitchy or critical of him. I (now) know I could have done a better job of giving him a lot of reassurance, but I was always oh-so-careful about his hypersensitivities that I always took care to be gentle.

Here's an example: He hasn't gotten the anti-depressants he was prescribed months ago and the prescription has expired. He also needs glasses and needs to make an appointment to get an eye exam and follow through.

I told him that I worried about him and that I was afraid that he would put things off (he's been complaining about needing glasses for at least 3 years). I said that I wasn't his mommy but I cared about his health and well being enough to nag him a bit about it.

Then I kind of messed up and teased him, saying that his ability to take procrastination to the level of an art form drove me nuts. We both laughed a bit about his ability to procrastinate. Now, I didn't think anything of my comment at the time, but apparently, he thought enough about it to mention it to his therapist (!!!???)

He comes back saying that the therapist told him that my frustration with his ability to procrastinate didn't mean I didn't LIKE him, just that I worried about him. DUH!

Sage, is your H really as insecure as my H? Holy, sometimes I think there is something at his core that doesn't accept that he is capable of being LOVED, despite all evidence to the contrary. I don't know that there are enough reassurances or validations or expressions of appreciation that I could do to even touch that level of insecurity!

So far, the things I'm hearing about his therapist give me hope that she can help him. I am praying she can, because while he's twisting around in doubt and insecurity, I keep telling him that he's my best friend, that I happen to be in love with, and happen to still have the hots for....but somehow, he just can't seem to believe or accept that.