Baby Steps, Backsteps and Leaps of Faith

[sage]

1. We're learning all of this stuff, but he might not be able to change and I will outgrow him
2. He doesn't see me being happy with him for the next 20-30 years
3. People should expect to be happy almost all the time if they are living their lives the way they want to
4. If you aren't happy almost all the time, you should chuck your current life and make a new life for yourself
5. He isn't looking forward to the part about moving home that involves the stress of living with the kids. He says he feels like he's held hostage to the never-ending trauma-drama of living with teenagers.

Talitsa -- hey. Sounds like a big part of h's current concerns are around the idea that you will never be happy with him and/or that a change is required on his part that he may not be able to achieve (seems like change is also required on your part but he appears more confident that you'll be able to do it).

Sounds a lot like my h.

Also that any sign of unhappiness or stress is a sign that life just isn't working as is and it should be discarded.

Ditto.

So...what do ya think? How to undo this stuff? I guess the first part is partly achieved by him working on his self-esteem (I am good enough to please this woman). Have you stepped up your appreciation of the things that he IS doing? I think that's really helped me/us.

As for the second...I wonder if it's not some inability to handle negative feelings (I'm stressed, I'm upset, I'm unhappy) in a constructive way...kind of "I don't have the power to change the way that I feel/the things that are making me feel this way, so I better find a place that makes me feel better". A toughie. Does your h. feel in control of himself/his actions/his decisions? Not sure what I mean there....does he state what he wants to you in your R?

I love that you guys are working so well together at this.

Sage