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You've got mail !


M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months
4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10
I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
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Hey Gypsy,

I slowed down a little today and read about the princess.....You have a great way with words.

*Hugs*


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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*HUGS*


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Our first house was a cape on a sloping hill which had once been farmland. The grass was thick and verdant, soil rich from cows and corn. After several years I had it painted a soft butter yellow, the shutters on the windows and door a deep green and the door remained a deep cranberry. It looked like a Christmas house. I called it "my daffodil on a hill".

The house was very well built with an eye to detail. The living room had an enormous window, wider than our sofa. I'd love to sit in the corner opposite the window and watch the two hundred year old maples turn their deep vibrant colors in the fall. The slope of green, the tumbling farmer's rock wall, the two huge canopies of the maples with the blue blue sky behind was always a place I cherished, for reflection, for peace.

When we moved to the new house, we were once again on a hill. Where the ground at the old house was fertile, this was rocky and made of ledge. I'd found a spot to look out. Where I had once had distance in the old house, I had tree trunks. Everything was so close. The worst part was, although the area was wooded, no maples were around.

Instead of intense color, I watched potato chips fall from limbs. It upset me every year that I didn't have the beauty I had at the old house. This morning I realized how silly that thinking is.

I kept thinking of what I didn't have, what I didn't want to change rather than relishing what I have, what is in the present. And you know what? This new way of thinking makes life a whole lot easier!

*hugs*

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Love your hugs, Kev!

I'm putting the tootin' tale here, so I don't forget it!

Here's a story for you!

When my youngest was two, her older brothers (ages 6 and 10) thought it would be hilarious to teach her how to fart on command. My curl tousled sweetie learned quickly and would toddle over to her father, turn around, bend slightly and let out a squeaker. The boys got a big laugh out of it. The more they laughed, the more she did it to others.

One day they looked at me. "Mom, why aren't you yelling at us to stop doing this?" I returned their gaze with a smile and a twinkle and replied, "Because you are the ones who will teach her how to stop." They looked at me befuddled and went on having a great time.

Two years down the road, the boys would yell at her, disgusted by her musically gaseous emissions. She kept going because she was well taught. Although they probably never remembered our dialogue, it was a sweet quiet moment as they had to work hard to undo what they created.


How goes the day?

*hugs*

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Gypsy Offline OP
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Odd... a little piece of me dies every time I talk to him.

He had asked my daughter for me to please call him. I took some time to compose myself, already feeling a numbness inside, and pulled up all the emails so I'd have the facts in front of me along with having made notes. I knew it had to due with the divorce.

When I called he said what his concerns were. I allayed his fears and described exactly what was going on. He repeated his concerns. I gave him my perspective. I asked him if he felt better after hearing what I said. After repeating his former concerns several times he said yes. We both hung up after a civil converation.

Part of me still thinks this is a dream, that all this stuff can't really be happening. Not the best way of dealing with reality. I guess my reality is having nothing to do with him so I don't have to acknowledge that he is or was part of my life.

I wanted to spit at him when he mentioned that settlement would be best for the 'family'. My anger, bitterness bubbled up with the unsaid words of what would be best for the 'family' would be dealing with the issues rather than leaving everything behind. I felt the flare of anger but nudged it to the side because it's not about my emotions. It's about the business of divorce.

Expletive deleted divorce.

(Insert Devil Bunny howling)


ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

me..

*hugs*

PS.. my daughter and I go looking at different places all of which are too expensive but we both get a feel for what we like. When she talks it's always "we" when it's about a home. That seems like a good thing.

Any suggestions about things not getting stale with the two of us always around each other?

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Hi Gypsy.

love the fart story. very cute.

and yeah, I hate when words like what is best for the family come into play when we d@mn well know it is what is best for their bank account!!!

Very good to see the positives with what you do have. I know for me it is hard to do so when things come up but in reality I am very grateful for all that I have.

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Quote:
Any suggestions about things not getting stale with the two of us always around each other?


My opinion? I don't think it will get stale. I think that you guys are getting so close, just the fact that you need each other, AND enjoy each other's company will be enough to keep it all good. If you feel like you might need space, she might need it too, then get out a bit, and get her out a bit.

Best for the 'family'? Peeeeshaw...... Grrrrrr.

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Originally Posted By: Gypsy
Odd... a little piece of me dies every time I talk to him.
Sorry you are hurting. *HUGS*


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...I took some time to compose myself..
Very good idea. I forget to do this and then am off guard when W unexpectedly talks to me

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...hung up after a civil conversation...
Nice to hear it was civil. Is this a baby step?? \:\)

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..Part of me still thinks this is a dream...
This dream is an oppertunity for positive change....grab it and run with it

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..all this stuff can't really be happening...
Sweetie, it is happening. We need to make the most of it. I know you are hurting. *HUGS*

Quote:
I wanted to spit at him when he mentioned that settlement would be best for the 'family'
Was the tension and unhappyness good for your family?

Quote:
My anger, bitterness bubbled up with the unsaid words of what would be best for the 'family' would be dealing with the issues rather than leaving everything behind
Have you said this before (without emotions??)..If so than it does not need to be repeated , he heard it, if not, would it be good to state this??? (just thinking/asking not recommending)


Quote:
Any suggestions about things not getting stale with the two of us always around each other?
Keep the hugs and communication going. Great time to bond with D.

I am still a DAM and still try to fix, let me know if you just need empathy....

*HUGS*


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Gypsy Offline OP
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Hey Ready...

All good points. I probably talked about the good of the family several times at different levels of emotion. I think all fell on deaf ears when compared to his focus and fascination in living his own life.

The tension is tough now since he admitted to having his companion during the marriage and secretly living with her immediately after dropping the bomb. Prior we all had started wondering why he started to be out every night, when he was home he was either exercising or upstairs in the bedroom saying he was tired.

All I remember was the relief I felt when he finally spoke about how miserable he felt.. that we could finally deal with things. Oops. I didn't know admitting his misery was the death knell to the marriage.

As far as being civil.. a baby step..? Toward detaching no doubt. Focusing on composing myself so I didn't get sidetracked and/or sidetrack myself was a success. But part of that comes from acceptance, more than detachment, that the gig is up.

Denial, naivete.. just being me about the divorce that he just 'poofed' and seems content (happy) to have done that. I admire all the folks who project that life is wonderful around their spouses. I have to change my "this sucks, I can't believe this is happening, you hurt me" mindset.

Today my daughter and I went to open houses. We scanned the newspaper, identifying the homes of interest, created a rough outline of how to go to as many as we were interested in and started going.

Guess how many we saw?

Ten.. ten that we went into.. not counting the few we drove by and decided they weren't worth viewing. We were animals.. figuring out the flow, the feel, the fit for what we were looking for. When we drove away she'd write her impressions of each abode and ask me what I thought. She fell in love with one, a condo which was really the best of the lot though I'm not sure I could afford it.

It was neat to have her with me and know she was learning how to assess things in a potential home beyond it looking cute and if the biggest kid room was pink. Afterwards, we had a late lunch, went through the houses/condos, graded each putting all the F's to the side.

It was neat and to see her enthusiasm was great. We talked about the changes that divorce brings, but the thought of living in that one condo had her bubbling and excited.

When we got home, we did some research on Zillow to compare the price ranges with what the homeowner's prices. She was the one who ran to the computer to check out the place she liked.. saying it hugged her when she walked in. Pretty neat!

Later she asked me if I was as tired as she was. I was relieved to hear it wasn't just me. Who would have thought that would be so grueling. I think it will be a Sunday activity while we get to know the market.

And.. I really didn't think about him at all. Go figure. Good GAL.. eh?

*hugs*

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