Husband's Missed Oppotunity #2

[blindsided1]

Thanks BG. Hope you're doing okay. I'll go check out your thread.

[blindsided1]

Okay, need some a$$ kicking please. H just called to ask about daycare payment. He's in a terrible mood - terrible. I didn't ask what was wrong. I need some words of support and strenght here. I feel like I'm getting more and more upset. He's coming to see K tonight for a little while before school. I just have this horrible feeling that he is going to bring his bad mood with him and I already feel sad. He's turning into that jerk, again. I know he'll take it out on me and I'll let it bring me down. I just tried to be pleasant on the phone. So, I just need to remind myself that it NOT ME - ITS NOT ME he's angry at. Don't take it personally. And, DO NOT let him lead me into an arguement. Help!

[fig]

don't let him bait you

think of him as a small child that doesn;'t belong to you and that you only have to deal with for a little while

you know

that kid throwing a fit at target that you shake your head at and think thankgoodness it isn't mine

remember

he can only destroy your mood and peace if you let him

[blindsided1]

You're right fig. But, damn I take the bait EVERY time. I know why he is act. I'm sure it's because he has to give me money tonight. Whenever it has to do with money - he acts like a total jerk. I just really need to talk myself into being okay and NOT getting emotional and remain calm.

[NikB]

I feel like I'm getting more and more upset.

What can you do to turn this around? You KNOW you can do it, you've gotten much better at it.. do whatever it is you know works.

I know he'll take it out on me and I'll let it bring me down.

Well there you go... you've got the evening all planned. Since you "know" these things, I bet you'll be right.

How about "knowing" something different?

But, damn I take the bait EVERY time.

No, you don't. So think about how it works for you when you DON'T take the bait, and how much better you feel about everything afterwards. Get yourself in that mindset.

I know why he is act. I'm sure it's because he has to give me money tonight.

Really? Wow.. you've become quite a mindreader again.

I just really need to talk myself into being okay and NOT getting emotional and remain calm.

Now THAT'S the spirit.

Try this instead:

"I know that he was in a pissy mood when he called earlier, and I know it has nothing to do with me. I hope he'll be in a better mood if/when he visits K, but I know I can't control it. I know I'm going to be calm and even happy when he's there, regardless of his mood. I know that I'm going to stay upbeat, friendly, and distant. I know that even if he tries to get me to argue, I won't do it."

You can do this!!

[Babygirl]

Hey sweetie!!! you can do this!!! DO NOT let him see how you feel. save that for us. Single moms are amazing. my oldest daughter to this day, gives me a fathers day card on fathers day. Her dad left us much like your H is doing now. and SHE KNOWS who raised her, and who loves her and chose it was us as a family, her and I.
Tonite, we are there with you in heart, every time your heart beats, its one of us there, giving you a little hug and lots of support. Dont let his pissiness take you down.
hugs and lots of love

[Startingover2]

Hope tonight turns out ok. Remember its not about you, its his issues.

Good luck!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I hope your evening turns out well for you. I had just recently bragged on you for how you can turn your H's moods around. you've done it several times, and I know you can do it again!

[blindsided1]

Thanks ST - I know, I saw the post - thank you for the credit. It felt good to know that I did something well, not that long ago.

So, H comes over. He's in an okay mood - not too bad. We had a nice visit (in the beginning). He brought me supplies for K. He paid for 2 weeks of daycare and gave me some money for the bills (not as much as he promised, but it helped- more about that in a moment). He was playing with K and she was laughing - all 3 of us were laughing. It felt REALLY nice and happy.

So, he gets ready to leave and starts in on me about how he feels that he has overpaid for the bills and that he thinks I am spending the money he gives me to go out - what a crock of shite! He's making excuses. So, I said "first, please stop accusing me of misusing the money you have given me. If I give you a list of everything you have given me and what it went towards, will you promise to stop acting as though I am "stealing" money from you?" He says, "maybe, as long as it adds up to what I have written down". So, I am going to do this.

Then - here's the kicker - he says "when did you start taking zoloft?" My jaw almost hit the floor..."how do you know that?" He says that the insurance company sent information about it to him (the insurance is in his name - or was at that time). I said that my doctor said I should take it because after the baby was born I felt overwhelmed with the baby, bills, the divorce and had some signs of postpartum depressions. He asked me why I didn't tell him that I was taking it. I just said that I didn't think I needed to and (this is where I backslid) "why would I? What? So, you can be all proud of yourself for putting me into a position where I need to take an anti-depressant just so I don't cry every morning and every night?" Oooops - I recognize the guilt trip, people. It was a wrong choice to go there - got it.

He said he doesn't care, as long as it doesn't interfere with my ability to raise our daughter.

Be right back....

[blindsided1]

Okay, I'm back...

So, he said he doesn't care as long as it doesn't come between K and I. I asked him what does that mean? He replies, "think about it. You're a UCLA graduate. Depression leads to abandonment." What? I felt like saying..."oh, really? Is that why you abandoned your family? Because you're depressed?" But, I didn't. However, I did say that he could benefit from some medication, sometimes. So, he starts eluding to the fact that because I'm taking AD's, I may not be able to take care of K well enough. Now, I'm pissed. But, I remain calm. I just said "I did this FOR K. So I could take care of her better."

What an A-hole. He thinks it's something he can use in court against me. I asked him why he felt the need to always act so mean towards me and find reasons to be mad at me. His reply was that I say stupid sh!t. I graduated from UCLA and I still don't use my brain. He points this out a lot now (about being a UCLA graduate- was never an issue or a weapon until the last 6 months - makes me wonder where it's coming from or why). So, I said "you know, H, I'm sorry you feel the need to try and put me down to make yourself feel better. And, it might hurt my feelings if I even remotely thought I might be stupid. But, since I know I'm not, fire away if it makes you feel good". Then I CHOSE to be happy and change the topic. I told him to drive safely and let him kiss his daughter and he drove off.

I was reminded last night of how mean he can be and for no reason. It does not matter if I am nice to him or not, he is going to be mean if he wants to. And, he wants to often. I know this is usually how he acts when he has to give me money. Just wait until I tell him that I'll be garnishing his wages because I can't trust him to give me the CS. Then he'll have a new reason to be extra mean. Divorce sucks!!! The sad thing is he won't even acknowledge that HE did this to HIMSELF.