Looking for some more patience!

[cagzmom]

funny how we have to work around their schedules huh?

i have had to do it alot lately.... of the big 4 days a month that my xh is suppose to see d12 the past 2 months have been very very minimal... very!! this past weekend was sunday only (was suppose to be the entire weekend) before that it was one day over I think a 3 week period....

[kissak]

So, what do we do? DO we start asking them to keep the kids on our days more? Im sure they wouldnt have time. Nice to know how much freedom they have and NO responsibities. My H is moving into a camper and only having a light bill to pay. Now, this is a nice camper, on the river. It will be like a nice long vacation for him. Kids will love it! Me? Im stuck with all the bills. Even with child support, Im broke. All I have is the assurance that as long as he has a job, I will have my HOuse. May not have water or lights, but I will have a roof.

This sucks.

Down in the dumps today.

Say a prayer for me today.

[Maya44]

I will Kissak. Just hang in there. Doesn't matter what he has. He doesn't have the home you've made!

[WCW]

I read an online article a while ago about women who keep the matital home. Unfortunately it stated they keep it out of an emotional need and most often end up losing it because of financial problems. I did a search and couldn't find that exact article but this one talks about it too. Marital home woes

In my case if this sorry sitch ever does end in a D I am making plans on how I will keep the place, but it was mine pre H too.

kissak, ask your H to keep to the agreement for visiting with the kids. Boundaries. Reread Love Must Be Tough. Be strong.

I case that article gets edited out here is a sample -
For some couples the place they called home can be emblematic of the marriage, and here a note of caution is in order. A home is a state of mind and a habit of the heart; a house is a building on a piece of land. The word home is warm and fuzzy; house is cold and angular. No one can every sell or buy a home because it must be made by the people who live there and who love and nurture each other. In the emotional tsunami of divorce, couples often act out melodramas of vindication that makes the house the symbol of the home, which now moves into the realm of a bittersweet memory of what was but is no more and will not be again. The decision to keep a home requires thinking long term and short term. Courts are very inclined to award the house to the wife so that school-age children experience the less disruption by the breakup, particularly in states where judges have discretion in the equitable distribution of property. This means that the equitable distribution of property may result in the marital home going to a mother even when that division of property is not exactly equal in dollar value with property awarded to the father. In a divorce, the person awarded the marital home should be certain that he or she can afford to keep it, particularly now when the housing market is in the doldrums (and unlikely to improve dramatically for some time). Many times, women who keep the marital home find themselves house-poor.

[cagzmom]

kissak - i have read some pretty good books as well as been in counseling since december of BOMB year!! tell you what..this is what i have learned

do what works for YOU.
remember that us being healthy is #1 for our kids well being!

it is hard how "easy" their life seems...no if and or buts about it..it sucks..it isn't fair and all that jazz. but what can we do about it?? ABSOLUTELY nothing!! my happiness has been so dog gone dependent on xh -- if he is miserable i have been HAPPY - yep and if he is happy the opposite....it is a struggle..but trying not to do that anymore.

in regards to your wonderful D I have learned from much counsel/books/GOD and friends...you always are suppsoe to have a plan b. They are going to do what they are going to do... i am sorry... just watch out for YOU and your little one.

[kissak]

Thanks you guys. Thank you so much for offering me words of encourgement. I really needed it today.

You know, I am lucky to have the home we made for our children. Although it was the 4th home me and my H lived in, it has been the only one our children have lived in. I am ok in regards to the house. I am staying there because it is a nice home. If I sold it, I would have to then find a place large enough to rent. Honestly for what I pay in a house payment, I would pay the same in rent. Financially, I am better off to stay in the home. I could never move and have what I have now at a cheaper price.

Youre right though Cagzmom, I do feel happy when my H is down and I feel down when he is happy.

I guess right now I am dealing with the fact that even though him and the OW arent together anymore, he still has no desire to come home. I guess deep down I have been hoping if she werent in the picture, he may think about it. Well, actually he did think about it, but I said No.

I am giving him the separation papers today to give to his lawyer for the final draft. It is another step towards the way I dont want to go. Even though it saddens me to give him the papers, it will also be some sort of relief too. Cant explain that.

I feel like my H will want to come back one day. It may take 10 years though and that is what makes me sad. Im not going to sit around and wait for him.

[cagzmom]

Kissak -- we love pretty deeply dont we. I too feel EXACTLY teh same way you do about my xh. that since ow is suppose to be out of the picture now that I would become an option - and i am not..so I do understand how you feel..It is weird isn't it.

Keep going moving working towards forward. you are so much strong than you were 6 months ago....you are doing what is good for you with those papers--

[kissak]

Thanks Cagz....I did give him the papers. He called me that night to tell me he didnt agree with them....I mentioned alimony and he freaked out. He was upset that i wanted half his retirement yet he werent taking any of my business. I told him that if he could pick what parts he wanted, so could I. He wants 25% of the house...well, then I want 50% of the retirement. He offered to roll it over into an IRA for me. I dont think he will fight me, he just didnt like that I had disagreed on that and the part about him paying half of the uninsured medical bills. BUt I think he is going to agree to them. I told him I werent changing my mind.

Then he goes to tell me that he has to pay the lawyer for drawing them up the first time before he can give them to him for corrections. Ok, heres what I dont get, why did he want them back so bad, when he cant even pay his lawyer to redo them? My H is moving out of a house and into a camper! He is borrowing money from everyone he knows just to get by and he isnt even getting by! He has borrowed money even from me to feed our kids when he has them!! He is broke! I cant seem to say no when he is asking me for money to feed the kids. I know with out a doubt if I needed money at anytime for anything and he had it, he would loan it to me, so I hate not to help him...But I am getting tired of helping him! So, I have to learn to say no, when in the future he may be the only one I can borrow money from???

Ugh, He even came over last night to borrow some hamburger so he could cook for my kids! What am I supposed to say to him?

[kissak]

Someone want to give me some insight on this....

My separation papers originally said Dec 07. I wanted them changed to April because that was the last time my H asked for another chance and stayed at our home for 2 nights.

Ok, he doesnt agree with the date. Now he is wanting to barder. He is saying what if we go in between to Feb.

Why on earth is he so set on the date being sooner than later?

What is the big deal. It has nearly been 2 years anyway. Why the hurry to divorce me now? He says its just how he feels. I wonder is it in hopes to win the OW back before its too late.
I dont think he is being honest with me. I want to keep it till April because of the medical and dental insurance.

[Maya44]

That's a very good reason to keep the dates then for sure. Let your L know why you're thinking the way you are and I'd think they'd agree on that too.