Jimi - I'm really sorry to tell you this, but you are still being duped by your wife.
I know she has shown you (in your eyes) that she is making strides...however, what you have shared with us is not the sounds of a woman who has learned her mistakes and wants to mend her marriage. Instead, it sounds to me like maybe the OM has broken things off with HER and she is coming back around to YOU as a result.
The only way you will know for sure what is going on is if you demand total transparency and don't even date her without that spelled out.
But unfortunately, you are showing her that you will accept whatever crumbs she will give you...I know that to you (and possibly her) it doesn't seem like crumbs for her to say she is working on it with you...but it really IS crumbs, because she is setting up the deal with an escape hatch for herself.
Keep us posted, but I fear you are heading toward more heartache.
Not really sure what to say really. Well, I know what to say but its how to summarise! My sitch continues to be one that fills me with 50% hope and 50% confusion/fear. Not the most encouraging of emotional cocktails but progress nonetheless.
The WAW continues to remain what can only be described as 'fiercely independant' and is particularly vehement about the subject of me moving into the house. Its not that she is TOTALLY refusing to discuss it... rather that she doesn't want to discuss it any further than we already have. Basically, she has said if things go well then I can look at moving in within a couple of months.
I do not discuss the (hopefully ex)OM with her (since she told me she had ended it with him). I can find no obvious reason to believe that she is contacting him anymore or vice versa. That isn't to say there isnt a possibility that she has done... but I am starting to think that, if they were talking, things would have taken a turn for the worse by now. I also am starting to think she would have begun to cool things down with me.
We continue to have a good time and there are times when I really feel she is close to me. Still, it is also obvious we are far from out of the woods.
She remains very quiet at times. She is VERY quick to reinforce she is an independant person and she is very keen to spend time alone quite alot.
I am basically thinking that these behaviours indicate one of two things:
1. She is entirely unsure that she has done the right thing ending her relationship with the OM. She perhaps misses him or, perhaps, what he represented to her (a 'new' life). Due to these feelings she therefore remains emotionally distant (at times) with me.
2. She is unsure about committing fully to the marriage in the sense that we live together as one family again. This might be down to feelings of freedom and independance she has gained and isn't in a hurry to lose. In other words.. she feels that once I move back in that is the possibility of a new life GONE for good (and that could mean something as simple as she is scared things will just go back to the way things were before she walked away)
Either way... I am somewhat confused as to what the best tactics are to take with her now. The progress we have made is truly staggering considering where this marriage was only weeks ago... but I am starting to feel that I am making ALL the effort and I need to know, one way or another, if she is really SERIOUS about starting a new and happier life together.
If I was to want to take a firmer approach how would I go about doing this? Or is that not a good idea at all?
This DB'ing is tough as hell and unforgiving to boot.
My opinion hasn't changed. I think you need to insist that your wife demonstrate to you that she has told the OM to leave her alone, and that she is committed to trying to work on her marriage, and you need to insist upon no-contact and full transparency. I think these things are ALWAYS a good idea, but particularly in your case, where everything your wife has said and done indicates huge warning bells that she's playing you.
Carried on avoiding any mention of some of the things about my wife's behaviour that were bothering me and I guess it's all come crashing down.
Went round for a movie and stayed last Sunday. Everything lovely. Arranged to go and see her Thursday. Got there and ... BANG... ABSOLUTE AND TOTAL 180 in her behaviour. She just stonewalled me. Staring into space etc.
OUT OF NOWHERE.
Ended up having a chat where she, without any emotion, told me she was wrong... she loved me but it wasn't enough... she wanted to end things. No real explanation... just done.
I was devastated.
She then phoned me two days later and asked 'if I was okay'? That confused me even further. I told her I was confused. I asked her if she was sure she was doing the right thing... had she over-reacted because she was having a bad day etc (didn't mention why I really thought it was). She said 'maybe'. She then said she just needed 'space'.
Exactly the same stuff as all the way back in January.
SOMEBODY PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE HELP ME.
Things aren't quite as bad because she will talk to me but she has just put a complete stop to seeing each other in a dating fashion out of the blue.
I feel like I should deliver an ultimatum. She can't have got involved with me so deeply for 3 months and just turn her feelings off again. This is all too much.
NONE of this should surprise you. This is exactly how people behave when they are having an affair. Until she ends all contact with him, her behavior is going to be all over the map.
My advice would be to stop letting her reel you back in. ASSUME she is still having her affair, and go on with your own life. If she wants "space," give it to her (although it's really just code for "freedom to carry on my affair, unhindered by you), but don't initiate anything legal unless YOU want to.
Right now, you need to protect yourself emotionally, first. She got "involved with you so deeply" because you LET her, despite our warnings to you. Your wife needs to make a CHOICE. It is HER choice, and you cannot make it for her. But right now, she hasn't had to choose -- she's had both of you.
I"m sorry this hurts so much. I DO know how it feels.
I know maybe it shouldn't but it has surprised me... in a way.
It was her birthday yesterday. I had not contacted her since the beginning of the week and then simply bought her a beautiful bunch of flowers and a card and left them at her house. She sent me a text saying thankyou and then called me later to say thankyou again.
I want very, very much to talk to her as I feel I cannot go on with this pretending I am moving on whilst loving her and missing her thing. It is devastating me and, although I have acted very cool since Monday I feel I will have to confront her soon and insist that we sit and talk.
I am thinking of telling her that she must make a decision. Him or me... and that if the last 10 weeks of dating and happiness combined with a week of space to mull over things hasn't been enough then, even though it is the last thing on Earth I want to do and it absolutely breaks my heart, I will have to walk away.
I could do with pointers Puppy...
I love her so, so much. I think, underneath all of this, she loves me too. Is that wrong?
I am thinking of telling her that she must make a decision. Him or me... and that if the last 10 weeks of dating and happiness combined with a week of space to mull over things hasn't been enough then, even though it is the last thing on Earth I want to do and it absolutely breaks my heart, I will have to walk away.
She's been yanking you around on her chain for almost a year now. I think it's a good idea to do as you say here.
Yes, I think she loves you, and I think she is conflicted. But as I look back and re-read over your sitch, I don't think she's ever had to fully make a choice. There's been no consequences for her continued waffling, and for her continued adultery.
It's time for her to truly feel what it would be like to not have Jimi in her life anymore, and to only have the support of a VERY long distance relationship. I don't think it will be enough for her, and I think she'll eventually come and beg you back -- again. Whether or not you WANT her at that point, will be your decision.
You need to get back to that improving, confident guy that was going to the gym and having other women notice you.
Thankyou so much. I am crying a bit as I type this.
She has hurt me so, so much for such a long, long time. Months and months of this. Still she came back, professed she loves me and he was just filling a gap, has dates as both a couple and a full family, and then drops me again with blank stares.
I am just shell-shocked and feel like a pendulum between absolute heartbreak/despair and total numbness. My appetite is lagging and I am once again finding it very difficult to sleep. I am also furious that she could be, right now, telling THAT MAN she has just 'been a bit pressured' over the last 10 weeks or some other daft excuse and that she wants to pick things back up. (Puppy... did you read that question I asked about should I tell him?)
