I'm really sorry you're hurting. He's betrayed you SO many times (isn't this four now?) -- I cannot even imagine. So let me say that up front.
What do you do? I can start by telling you what you DON'T do, and that's you DON'T go looking for TRUTH from either your husband or his girlfriend. "All cheaters lie -- PERIOD." Repeat that over and over 500x until it sinks in. You will NOT get keys or answers from your husband -- he's fogged out. He's addicted. His brain is riddled with endorphines and chemicals that make otherwise sane adult female astronaut drive across country WEARING AN ADULT DIAPER to go defend her man's honor.
He's an addict.
You are looking for clues from him, and not only is NOTHING he says the truth right now, your very pursuit of him is hurting your case. STOP IT.
Secondly, DON'T TALK TO OW. She is NOT your friend, and your contact of her only elevates her in importance (think the President of the United States, agreeing to sit down and negotiate with some rogue Third World terrorist). If my admonition isn't strong enough to persuade you, let me tell you this in all certainty:
When you do that, they talk about your contact of her, and they laugh about you.
I'm sorry, but it's true.
For the time being, you have to move on -- legally, physically and emotionally. The GOOD news is, given his past track record, your husband is about 95% likely to come crawling back to you -- I predict in as little as 60 days or less. How you respond THEN will be our opportunity, but that won't come until later.
For now, we need to take care of Sandy, and of your family, and show you ways to get past this immediate pain. For starters, it helps to think of your husband as an addict -- that will help you with forgiveness, and will put things in the proper perspective.
Again, I'm sorry. We all saw this coming, and the reason I was so tough on you before is that we didn't want to see you go thru this incredible pain a fourth time.
When you do that, they talk about your contact of her, and they laugh about you.
This is true. UGH I know for a fact it is.
So, puppy is right, don't give them any reason to laugh. Make fun lunch plans with other co-workers and never make eye contact, its not worth it.
Don't let her see you crying. She doesn't care. And thinks its funny. And puppy is right, ANY attention given to her bumps up her 'status'.
You don't have to be fake and happy, but just go about your work day. If you cry, do it alone or with friends later.
Quote:
For starters, it helps to think of your husband as an addict -- that will help you with forgiveness, and will put things in the proper perspective.
Think of him as an addict, then DON'T think of him at all. No more heated texts either. Won't get you anywhere, and might actually backtrack you. Please learn from my mistakes!
I have been reading your sitch and felt a great desire to start posting again. I too have been almost exactly where you are. My H moved out to an apt and he too kept coming back and then changing his mind. He11, he even went to Retrouvaille with me Oct 2007 and STILL FILED FOR D in late November 2007!!!!!!!! But we still got through it. But if I would have quit and given him his way we would have been D by now... I think it kicked in for him when he realized he would lose my friendship as well as me...all along he thought we could remain friends b/c of our two kids but he was foolin' himself big time.
First thing you need to do is search on the boards the for postings about detachment - print them and read them daily. If you search the archives there was a lot from Grasshopper - his postings helped me so much.
Second, read read read what is out here and see how some of us made it and what we went through. If you feel you are in this for the long haul you have a way to go - it took me over 18 mos to get an ILY from my husband. He too was with one of my BEST friends - still in our area and still likely to "run" into her at the store (though I used to want to "run over her" at the store)...this whole process takes time and unfortunately only the WAS determines the timeline as much as we want things to move faster they will NOT.
You need to show him you will go on without him and believe it yourself. It will either attract him back our you will make yourself that much better to be in a lasting relationship. Right now he sees you as the non fun one, the weak one, and he just wants distance - you remind him of bad times and guilt as messed up as that sounds. He is in LALA land and he is not thinking logically.
Start doing things for YOU and your kids - START TO DETACH ASAP it will only help!
HB (not so much anymore )
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
Will do more reading.... it is just all so hard and I know I am still in denial.
Had way to much contact with hubby yesterday..all emotional... probably not good. He wants me to walk away to make it easy on him... I want him to know the deep pain he has caused.
..He is so thoughtful..he sent me a text before bed telling me I was a wonderful woman and there are lots of guys that would love to be with me... Wow..i feel better. Lots of guys..just not my husband!
Tomorrow is exactly 6 months since this has been going on..I just wish he would come to his senses.
Don't make this easier for him - what I mean here is don't agree to D, file for D or talk about D with him - unless this is the path you want. Let him "play house" to see that another person is not going to make him happy - happiness can only come from within. Just as you cannot be dependent on him for your happiness - think of things that make you happy that don't involve him. Think of things to work on for YOU and for your kids - make them the focus!
Stay strong! You can do this - trust me there were days I did not want to get up either and my kids kept me grounded. You will get through this I swear!
HB
Me41 H44 * M16 yrs * D13 S10 8/06 H wants a D * 1/07 OW Truth 2/07 Searated * 7/07 H moved home First Thread Surviving Separation Now Piecing
Do NOT answer his text messages/e-mails, nor return his phone calls (let them go to voice mail) unless they are about the kids.
This is a good place to start. He's wanting to "normalize" things with you, so that HE can sleep tonite. So he can know you're "ok". He doesn't deserve that. His "I"m sorry's" are NOT for you, they are for HIM.
I am still following your sitch while trying to live through the drama in my own. Obviously you are receiving a lot of good advice and are taking it to heart. Reminds me of what I need to keep doing as well.
Your goal for the day is great. Focus on you and your kids - that's where you need to be.
Stay strong.
LIS
M45 WW 43 D17/S14/D11
ILYB Jan 08 PA Conf Feb 08 OMW / OM contacted S Jan / 09
No one ever has, or ever will, escape the consequences of their actions.
Im so sorry. All I can say is please listen to Pup.. He's right now. You have to try and detach from him, keeping in constant contact with him will only make it easier on him and harder on you. Im thinking of you.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
How is it easier for him NOT to hear from me. I feel like out of sight out of mind.
When we talk he has reality of what he has done to his family staring him in the face.
Please explain.
Sandy
Sandy,
That's a good and fair question. I'll answer it two ways:
1. IF you could maintain your emotional strength during your encounters and conversations with him, then yes, getting some "truth darts" in, and letting him feel your disapproval can be effective. But you go all "melty woman" around him, and THAT does NOT help.
2. He needs to miss you. If you pursue him (or even accept HIS calls), this won't happen. Think of an entertainer, spinning plates on sticks. Someone who is cheating often likes to have TWO plates spinning -- you and OW. Also, he wants to "normalize" things with you, and know in his mind that "oh, she's okay with this." Maintaining daily contact with him allows him to keep you as his "backup plate", and also to feel like "see? she'll get over this."
What you want him to feel is "She will SURVIVE, hell -- she even seems like she's doing WELL -- but she is NOT okay with this." You're not near emotionally ready for your daily presence (either on the phone, in person, or via text message/e-mail) to make him feel this strength from you. Until you ARE ready and stronger, my advice would be to ignore him, UNLESS it has something to do with the children.
I'll add in a #3, and Sandi, WDID or some of the other FWAW could explain this better. You "staring him in the face" is going to make him run like hell AWAY from you.
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