I was feeling down yesterday, more down than usual. I wanted to plead to my W we need to do something for our M. Instead I just sat down across from her while those thoughts whistled through my head.
Later I searched on the computer for a new MC. I felt the old one was doing more harm than good. The best way to decribe it, is we couldn't wait to go to a session to tattle on one another. After awhile you can only do so much tattling before you get angry.
Well hopefully I found a good MC. I showed my W the information I found on the internet about him. While she was reading it I asked her if she wanted to go. In a quiet voice she responded that she didn't know. Okay, I said then I'm going alone if I have to.
Well I left a message with the MC and he called me back right away. He was booked, but thought I should talk to a female MC so my W would be more comfortable. I agreed and he told me to expect a call from her soon.
Later that afternoon I received a call from someone with a very quiet voice. It was my new MC. Her schedule was booked and she could only fit me in the next day. I took the only day and time she had available.
I told my W I had scheduled an appoitment and asked if she would be going. No she said I'm doing something that day. Then she got angry at me for scheduling the session without asking her. Well my W was leaving for work. I stopped and told her she doesn't realize how much I want a D. The exact words were "I'm going ape not knowing about how my R with you is going to work out" then she left.
Later I called my W and told her the following. I'm sorry that you can't fit a MC appointment in your busy schedule. I want so bad to work on our M and if we don't it's going to drive me crazy. I feel our last session with X were fine up to a point. I also felt like they were used to tattle on the other person. I then told her how much I care for her and that soon it won't be enough.
She call me back later and was insulted when I pointed out her schedule was so busy. Then she said she wanted to talk tonight when she got home, but she would be out late. I smiled after hearing her message and saved the voicemail. It doesn't matter anymore I've been at this for way to long for such small baby steps.
