Another one bites the dust

[No Longer BH]

I need to thank all of you for helping me through my really down period. I was having trouble coping with the weight of everything and had a temporary insanity moment. You all helped me get through it and I am doing really good now.

I decided that I cant be super mom all of the time, especially when I am having a really sick day. I knew that I was not capable of being the parent that I wanted to be so made the decision to ask STBXH to come over and take care of S. He jumped at the chance and even thanked me for asking. When he got here he wanted to take care of me but I told him I was ok. He talked with me then took S out to eat and to fencing lessons. After they got back he put S to bed then came and talked with me some more. Because of all of the advise and strength you all gave me I was able to just take his help at face value.

Its funny when I dont push the conversation how quickly he starts to open up to me about how is life just is still very empty right now. The only thing that seems to be going ok for him is his job, but he could get fired from that as well. Said he just wishes he could get his life more in order and he still has so much growing to do. Told me he still was not happy. Guess that goes to show you that we imagine them off partying and having a grand old time when in reality their life is prob empty and shallow. Of course he could just be saying that to spare me my feelings so that I dont know that he is having a grand old time, but I chose not to have negative thoughts.

Anyway, I opened up to him about some of the fears I have been having, but did not look to him to support me or be there for me. He kept saying that he wanted to be there for me whenever he could. He kept thanking me over and over again for giving him this opportunity to help out. I was open, kind and compassionate but not looking to him to be my partner. Do you know how hard that is to do, especially when he was acting like he did when he was my partner? Still, I have to think of this as him using this opportunity to build his own ego and it has nothing really to do with wanting to be with me. As confusing as this is, I am still just trying to let him go. I hate it, I really do but my heart is too fragile to be broken again.

He said that he wanted to give me a hug and made it a deep long one. Thank god I got to a stronger place because I would have been thinking all of this meant something. I can not allow myself to fall down that path right now. Instead I just took it as very nice that he could help out when I needed it. So, I was able to pick myself up and just appreciate the moment. Started off an emotional wreck and with all of your help ended on a PMA.