Thank IAL. I know that I'm fulfilling my responsibilities even though there is plenty of me that wants to run off and MLC all over every one and every thing. But, I'm a man and I can't do that.
I'm pretty close to the confrontation.
OK, so way back when things were really nuts, I got a referral to a divorce lawyer. Sadly, he works near where I work, not near where I live. So, my referral gave me a couple of referrals. I talked to one of them several months ago on the telephone and today I called him again to ask for a referral to an investigator. I talked to the investigator and we discussed what she could and couldn't do for me and what that would likely cost. She could follow my wife around and report back who she was with and what she was doing, but, that she wasn't going to be snapping pictures into people's houses or getting into medical records and that the surveillance would run $85-$100/hr and probably $3000-$5000 in total. She recommended saving the money for the divorce and said that in 15 years of doing this work, she has never failed to find the hallmarks of an affair. People already know what's going on and just need someone else to confirm it for them.
So, since using an investigator makes little sense. I went through the van again while W was inside at work. It reeks of cigarette smoke as she has taken up smoking. I didn't know it then, but, when we met and for a while after we started dating, she would smoke one or two while out at the bar. I'm estimating that she is going through a pack every 3-4 days. I also found a card saying "Thinking of you makes me smile with my heart" or something to that effect and I'm pretty sure it isn't for me. No real news here, nothing that I didn't already know. It's just more information to help me convince myself about what's going on.
I'm not ready yet to have the discussion with her. I want to get her work schedule for next week and make an appointment with the lawyer for while she is at work and then to have the discussion with her a couple of hours before she has to be at work. I feel that she will likely be more rested than trying to grab her after work and that she needs to get to work will put a time limit on things. Then, I will spend the next few days figuring out what points I want to hit and rehearsing what to say.
I do still love her and I do still hold out hope for us to build a new relationship. I just don't see it happening until she gets some sense knocked into her head. She is cake eating in the worst way. I posted over on HTTE's thread that I suspect that my W believes that she has things under control and that she specifically has me under control. When I confronted her in mid-July, she vehemently denied screwing around and then turned the tables, becoming the injured party and declaring that my snooping was the last straw and we are getting divorced. I continued with the same old Mr. Nice Guy behavior and the intervening two months have been more of the same. I all but begged her to not file for a divorce right away saying that I was working on being a better Dad and I would slip into survival mode if she filed. I continued to do nice thoughtful things like make dinner and bake a cake for her birthday, get her coffee when I knew she was coming over to the house, take her and the kids to the Taste of Colorado and inviting her to spend my birthday with me. Because this is more of the same behavior, I believe it will tend to reinforce her feeling of knowing the score and having me under control. However, I've also grown whole and found some self-respect and it is more important than my marriage.
All of that is to say that I believe she will be quite shocked when I tell her that I have plenty of proof of her affairs and that I have an appointment with a lawyer after we are done talking. I'm not at all sure how she will react to finding out that her map of the world was wrong.
I want to thank everyone who has helped me to this point. I doubt I could have grown up without your help. I'm not happy things are where they are in my life and in my marriage. I am glad to know you. I'm glad that I can sometimes be a help to you all as well, and I'm awfully glad you all were here when I was going crazy and feeling like I was going to have a breakdown.
