I'm not quite smiling yet, but I do know the less I have to deal with him the better I feel. I'm learning to have it be about me, the kids.
At one point I felt about my marriage like Charleton Heston did about gun control. His famous bumpersticker, "I'll give you my gun when you take it from my cold, dead hands". My approach.. I'll hang on til it kills me. Hmmmmm. At one point I felt I could wait him out, wait for his relationship to implode, for him to come to his senses, for him to be willing to work at our marriage.
As this has progressed I ask myself why I would choose to be with someone who left emotionally and physically. He's taken care of us financially of which I am thankful.
No need for me to die holding onto something that isn't. Time to live and find the world outside.. step by baby step.
I can hear the joy in your words at hearing your daughter sing. How cool, and just think, we get to take in every experience with our kids. Time with them is so precious and then it's over in a blink. I'm sure you feel as I do, I wouldn't have missed this for the world.
Good for you in taking the high road. Believe me I know how hard that is and I still striggle with that myself from time to time, but it is easier on us when we give them what they want (or think they want), and keep our emotions in check.
Donna,
I also believe that the base cause is that women do reach these stages first. By the time our spouses get there we've forgotten what it was like. I feel sorry for the guys who find themselves here, they really must be confused!
My ex was much like yours. He never told me anything until I found evidence for myself, and even then he begged and pleaded so instead of looking at how could this happen, I just forgave and put it neatly in a box. The trouble is (this I only know now) is that it's bound to rear it's ugly head again unless dealt with.
I always tell myself I couldn't change what I didn't know, but what I don't foregive myself for is not dealing with what I DID know. Live and learn huh?
As the warm sun lulled her to sleep her body nestled in comfort. Soothing breezes caressed her with the scent of gardenias. So the dream began, the fragrance of the flower reminding her of her youth.
In the woodlands near her home was an enchanting waterfall. Easily heard from a distance in the spring, walking toward it was an adventure for it was difficult to find. Boulders larger than giants, trees stouter than towers riddled the pathway as she'd meander to find the song of the river. In summer her ears were attuned to the quieter flow of the water skimming along the rocks.
Kat was rarely in a hurry so beautiful was the trek. Through a large meadow with dancing flowers of varying color and butterflies winging their wonder from petal to petal. Feeling the brush of the tall grass, the caress of the blossoms always brought a song to her heart, many times inspiring her to skip and twirl, the ribbons in her hair matching the movements of nature.
From the meadow the path slanted down into the forest scattered with rocks. Slippery and sloping she'd grasp flexible branches as she skidded down eventually finding her footing. Looking about the forest loomed with boulders larger than small hills left from an ancient time. Rounding the biggest allowed her to peek and see the waterfall.
While not a waterfall in the standard sense, it was a 'wave' fall. A base of rock eroded to rolling waves one after the other as the water descended smoothly to a clear pool encircled by towering cliffs. On hot days she'd shed most of her clothing and slither over the uneven rocks beneath to swim in the pool churned by the cascading rush of water.
Once cool Kat would clamber to the rocks smooth in their cascading pattern and stretch, feeling the massage of the constant thin stream of water as tension eased.
Something was different about this day. As she dried from her soothing water's touch Kat noticed a glow round the far curve of the river, farther than she'd ever ventured before. Perhaps it was the way the sun dappled through the leaves, or the first stirrings of strange restlessness never felt before she decided to find the object of her curiosity.
Headstrong, obstinate or naively confident, she found a path fairly level walking as the sound of the forest became more prominent that the melody of the waterfall. Occasionally she'd turn to mark path, seeing the rushing waters slowly disappear in the depth of the trees. Just as dismay set in, she'd glimpse more of the structure and continue with renewed vigor.
Around an wide curve she saw it and blinked in amazement. Who would expect something so exquisite so hidden. With light steps she approached the bridge, the simple word doing no justice to the sight before her. Rising from the floor of the forest, the bridge curved delicately over the width of the river, the same river fed by the cascading waterfall. One of her ribbons was snagged on the far side rippling in the play of the current. Curiosity, both her friend and foe compelled her across the bridge, the balustrades of carved marble each topped with a ball of glowing gold, the arch of granite to the opposite side, her heart racing with excitement of the unknown.
Feeling justified, she crossed the bridge crouching on the other edge to survey from whence she came. Her fingers played at the water's edge reaching for the ribbon, opting to use a stick to free it from the river's grasp. With a long lithe stretch she caught the ribbon, plucking it from the river with a snort of conquest, standing with pride to twirl the wet ribbon in victory.
"Thwamp"
Kat blinked, never having heard that sound before and tried twirling the ribbon once again.
"Thwamp thwamp."
Worried then bouyed by her lineage she turned to face an expensively clad young man, youthful in appearance but older than her. His shoulders were wide without need for padding, his stature tall enough to block the sun's ray as a smile radiated from his handsome face.
With a smile and twinkle in his blue eyes his soothing voice asked, "What have we here?"
Kat stood astounded with a soggy ribbon staring at the spot on his silken waistcoat stained by the water feeling embarrassment coloring her skin and hiding the fire within.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I'm not quite sure what it is, but I'm looking forward to learning how to do it! Here's a link I peeked at but I'll have a better idea after the full day session.
Heck, Ms. Cook.. we can go on a book tour, together!
Gypsy, I always love stopping by to read all the beautiful words you have left. You are such an inspiration and very wise as well. I am fortunate that I was able to travel this journey along with you, for you kind words have made the path easier to navigate. Keep writing....your fans are waiting.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
