Hi there HTTE. I'm going out on a limb here because I'm basically clueless about all of this cra ... stuff.
I went back through this thread and if you read the 9/11 posts, you can see that you were upset and your self-respect wanted to set a boundary.
Quote:
She gets to still be married, has her children very well taken care of by me, Gets to go out whenever she wants, sleep with whoever she wants, and call me whenever she needs something.
I think that the hugs and the cheery e-mail and the sleeping in your bed and you paying the bills are all part of her cake eating. I think that your wife will try and take advantage of you as much as she can until you put your foot down and create and defend a boundary.
Look, I'm finding that the thought of divorce is darned scary and I'm willing to bet that your wife and mine are both incredibly scared about the future and getting divorced. Sandi talks all the time about how the financial aspect kept her in her marriage. Well, your wife like mine has a job that can in no way replace the standard of living that she enjoys with you. Additionally, she is spending like crazy right now and not thinking about the consequences. You are the responsible one who is worrying about the finances.
So, what are they doing since it's too scary to divorce and the affairs and the rest make them feel so good? They are deluding themselves and we are enabling it. PDT and the others are right on the money that we aren't showing respect for ourselves and our marriages with the way we've been putting up with their behavior. I'm betting that my wife truly believes that by telling me that she isn't screwing around and then threatening to divorce me that she has me cowed and firmly in her control. In mid-July when she last told me that she isn't screwing around, she was right. Now, it's a different story. I was reading your old thread from May and getting as much from the advice to you as if it were written for me.
The question then becomes what are you going to do about things? I understand your desire to rebuild your marriage. I think that you are going to have to decide which is more important, your self-respect or your desire to save your marriage, because you may have to sacrifice one for the other. It sounds like you were always the nice guy. I was too. So, it may be that when you set a boundary and defend it and are willing to divorce if that is what is necessary, that your wife will learn to respect you again and come back. If she doesn't, do you really want to be with someone who is willing to treat you this way?
Don't misunderstand. If you've read all of my scribblings here, you can see that I've gone back and forth more than a rat in a cage. But, now, I've found my self-respect and as scary as it is, I'm compelled to change the situation and if it results in a divorce, then so be it. I've certainly done all that I can to save my marriage and HTTE, I believe that you've done all that you can to save your marriage and it may be that the last thing that you can do is to respect yourself and refuse to be treated like a doormat any longer.
Over in my thread, Amy pointed out that she had an honest talk with her husband about his affair, talked to a lawyer, but, didn't file for a divorce. She also talked about how she also put a time limit on how long she was willing to continue without seeing proper positive changes and that she has also detailed what changes she needs to see to keep her from filing for a divorce. I think that is a wise move and we would both be smart to follow suit.
Here in CO, there is a 90 day cooling off period. For myself, I'm thinking that if I file for a LS or D, the changes that I will have to see will be that she is no longer in contact with any of her OM and it will be contingent upon her to prove to me that she is not in contact with them any longer. To me, that is a step toward building a new relationship. I think that's a standard that you aught to consider as well.
I'm in the trenches with you and wish I had the super power to change the situation.
