Actually, I was referring to #1452878, at 9:50 that morning. It was harsh, I realize, but I was just trying to help you avoid some of the mistakes that I could SEE coming, because I made the same ones!
Subject: misc From: W Sent: Wed 9/17/08 9:25 AM To: HTTE
Several things:
Firstly, I should have another $600.00 this Friday that I can give you.
Secondly, please email D9's schedule and how I can help. Perhaps I can take her on early mornings?
Thirdly, my schedule indicates that you have plans this Sun, the 21st. Therefore I have made plans Saturday (to help out on a ranch in Booneville - Yee Haw!!!). Please let me know what time I should be at the house Sunday morning.
Lastly, how is your day going? I hope things are well. I look forward to doing a budget with you tomorrow night.
-W
She had called me twice yesterday and left messages. They were to tell me that she was on her way to take a test for a job and again when she was on her way home. To tell me how it went. She went on a bit telling me how she missed the girls.
I did answer her call at 6:45AM this morning as we were heading out the door to take D9 to early band practice. W had initially agreed to take her. I just told W that I was taking her and that I had to go.
Not sure how or if I should reply to that. "She looks forward to doing the budget with me?" ???
*edit "thanks guys." /edit
Last edited by HopefultotheEnd; 09/17/0808:43 PM.
Me:34 W:31 d's 5 & 10 M: 5 years, T: 8, Bomb1 3/8/08,#2:3/28/08 Asked 4 D:4/19/08, discovered PA 5/8/08,W moved out 6/30/08 W pregnant by OM: 2/17/08
Hi there HTTE. I'm going out on a limb here because I'm basically clueless about all of this cra ... stuff.
I went back through this thread and if you read the 9/11 posts, you can see that you were upset and your self-respect wanted to set a boundary.
Quote:
She gets to still be married, has her children very well taken care of by me, Gets to go out whenever she wants, sleep with whoever she wants, and call me whenever she needs something.
I think that the hugs and the cheery e-mail and the sleeping in your bed and you paying the bills are all part of her cake eating. I think that your wife will try and take advantage of you as much as she can until you put your foot down and create and defend a boundary.
Look, I'm finding that the thought of divorce is darned scary and I'm willing to bet that your wife and mine are both incredibly scared about the future and getting divorced. Sandi talks all the time about how the financial aspect kept her in her marriage. Well, your wife like mine has a job that can in no way replace the standard of living that she enjoys with you. Additionally, she is spending like crazy right now and not thinking about the consequences. You are the responsible one who is worrying about the finances.
So, what are they doing since it's too scary to divorce and the affairs and the rest make them feel so good? They are deluding themselves and we are enabling it. PDT and the others are right on the money that we aren't showing respect for ourselves and our marriages with the way we've been putting up with their behavior. I'm betting that my wife truly believes that by telling me that she isn't screwing around and then threatening to divorce me that she has me cowed and firmly in her control. In mid-July when she last told me that she isn't screwing around, she was right. Now, it's a different story. I was reading your old thread from May and getting as much from the advice to you as if it were written for me.
The question then becomes what are you going to do about things? I understand your desire to rebuild your marriage. I think that you are going to have to decide which is more important, your self-respect or your desire to save your marriage, because you may have to sacrifice one for the other. It sounds like you were always the nice guy. I was too. So, it may be that when you set a boundary and defend it and are willing to divorce if that is what is necessary, that your wife will learn to respect you again and come back. If she doesn't, do you really want to be with someone who is willing to treat you this way?
Don't misunderstand. If you've read all of my scribblings here, you can see that I've gone back and forth more than a rat in a cage. But, now, I've found my self-respect and as scary as it is, I'm compelled to change the situation and if it results in a divorce, then so be it. I've certainly done all that I can to save my marriage and HTTE, I believe that you've done all that you can to save your marriage and it may be that the last thing that you can do is to respect yourself and refuse to be treated like a doormat any longer.
Over in my thread, Amy pointed out that she had an honest talk with her husband about his affair, talked to a lawyer, but, didn't file for a divorce. She also talked about how she also put a time limit on how long she was willing to continue without seeing proper positive changes and that she has also detailed what changes she needs to see to keep her from filing for a divorce. I think that is a wise move and we would both be smart to follow suit.
Here in CO, there is a 90 day cooling off period. For myself, I'm thinking that if I file for a LS or D, the changes that I will have to see will be that she is no longer in contact with any of her OM and it will be contingent upon her to prove to me that she is not in contact with them any longer. To me, that is a step toward building a new relationship. I think that's a standard that you aught to consider as well.
I'm in the trenches with you and wish I had the super power to change the situation.
Sorry; I'm not the author of that. And it's not the Wizard of Oz, either.
Deuteronomy 31:6:
6 So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.”
Puppy: What do you think you would have done had your W moved out after your initial or secondary confrontation?
Would it have affected your actions?
How would you have handled the difference in the dynamic of her not living with you anymore?
HTTE
That's a great question.
I think it would have been harder for her to see "the new Choc./Puppy" lived out in front of her daily, so I would have had to come up with some other ways for her to get that glimpse. "Tough love" only works if they see the "love" along with the "tough." Since she lived with me, at the end of a brutal day of exposure or financial firewalling or whatever, I could cover her up when she fell asleep on the couch and plant a small kiss on her forehead, or let her see me being tender with our daughter or son, or I could do a simple act of kindness like pull her car into the garage for her when it was dark outside.
If we were living separately, and I didn't have the chance to do those things where she could SEE them, then the harsh things that I needed to do might have had to have been softened somewhat maybe? I don't know, I never thought of this before.
I think I would to have also been a little sneakier with the "look good/smell good", generate-a-little-jealousy stuff. Would have had to make sure that some third parties got some things back to her, kwim???
It also would have DEFINITELY altered the gathering of my intel, dramatically, and it was this (and how negative much of it was) that helped steel my resolve and also helped with my strategy and tactics. I think I would have been "flying on instruments" a lot more than I was (just one example that comes to mind, I knew that OM had belittled her going back to work full-time, after being a SAHM for 20+ years, and how much that bothered her. So one night, as she said her perfunctory "g'nite" and started to head upstairs to her sleeping-bag-on-the-floor of my daughter's old bedroom, I said "Oh, I just wanted to say that I'm really proud of you getting your certification and going back to work full-time. I know that was a lot of work, and it's very impressive." She was stunned -- "Thanks," she said, her voice melting.)
