5 weeks remain til next chapter starts

[istherehope]

Hi,

So H and I just had out joint session with Jody and I am feeling pretty devastated and on the brink of just giving up. Please if anyone can see any positives please help me out here as this is probably the worst I've felt since the day the bomb dropped.

H remembered the call this time, IMd me to make sure it was still going on. I called him about 5 minutes before the call, and he said that "maybe he was going to come to Poland in a few weeks to visit". OK this was good, of course non-committal and who knows for sure, but I was feeling positive, had my whole "as-if" attitude in place for the call.

So when we called, I find out that H has felt less pressured over the last week because of less contact, and only discussing business things. Actually we discussed more than that, but whatever. He finds talking to me less to be better apparently. As I suspected too with school he hasn't had time to think about the relationship. That's fine with me. I'd almost prefer he didn't.

About Dublin, he left out the sex part and said it was like meeting with an old friend, that I was much nicer and more pleasant to be around, but he wouldn't want me to stay the night.
It was nice enough to see me and everything.

Then Jody asked what kind of self-reflection I had been doing, and I said that I realized how controlling I had been, and was able to explain it from H's POV. He said that I should have read the signs a long time ago, and that even though I am sorry I have done so much damage that he doesn't know what can be done now. He doesn't feel like being married, feels like living with me would be jail, and cannot imagine waking up to me in his bed. I am not a bad person though, am a sweet person and all. He said that I was much better to be around than I used to be, more positive, more upbeat, less cynical etc., and that if I hadn't completely changed, he couldn't see being around me at all. Jody then said that in these cases she likes to suggest starting with a blank canvas, and he can't even agree to that, only to just keeping it blank, and in terms of even being friends, he only sees it like what we have now, which is basically nothing. However even after she says several times that he doesn't need to do these calls if he's too busy, and I agree with her, he says he wants to do them every 2 weeks that they are important. Why though? He won't even think of living with me or even staying the night? I am supposed to be home in 30 days and he doesn't even know, and I have no idea what to do now!!! Then at the end of the call Jody said that we behaved with such dignity and respect and she commended us for this. H asked me to text him when I got home because it is 11 PM here.

I am feeling so lost. There is a big part of me that wants to just quit my job and move back to the US. If H can't spend a few nights with me, he will never know how different things actually can be. If he thinks the damage is irreparable, why is he agreeing to these calls? He is so hurtful, and I don't know if he's somehow just trying to get closure. I really wish we wouldn't have done this call. I am a massive wreck right now.

ITH