Another one bites the dust

[No Longer BH]

Well, Lissie, I feel that I am in wonderful company and have been know to be a lush myself from time to time.

Yes, these dips suck but they are part of this terrific ride that we just cant seem to get off when we want to. I know that one day it will end and I will be better for having gone through it.

Everyone’s wonderful advise has helped me to get my head on a little straighter. Not quite where I want it to be, but getting closer.

Just want an opinion here. STBXH started hugging me a few weeks ago. When I found out he was still sleeping with OW I put a stop to it for a couple of reasons. First, and this is not a nice thing to admit but it is the truth, I wanted to punish him some and not let him have that connection to me. I felt that if he got to feel good by giving me hugs then he would not feel bad for his actions with OW. Second, I stopped them because at that time I so wanted them to mean something more. I knew that they were keeping me sucked in.

Every time my STBXH is around I can tell he wants to hug me. He keeps coming in like he is getting ready to then stops. There are 2 different theories here on the board about WAS. The first, keep any connection you can with them (without losing yourself or focusing too much on it) so that you can keep trying to build that connection. This is what my DB coach said to me as well.

The other theory is the cake eating theory. As long as you give them that connection they are getting some needs met by Ow and others needs by the LBS. Nothing will change and the rollercoaster ride will continue. I keep flipping between these 2 thoughts. When I stay connected, he makes moves to do more things for me and is around more. When I stop the cake eating he pulls away and we almost go to NC. Things get cold. My question to you all is:

If I can get to a place where I dont read anything into hugs, should I give them to him?

I just want to apologize here. I KNOW I am sounding like a newbie. God, I have been doing this stuff for too long and should know better. If I was responding to a newbie, I know exactly what my answer would be....be loving towards him, just do not love him. Give him only what you can while still being able to detach. Drop the rope, move on with your life. As long as there is OW, the is no chance to R. This is the time to focus only on you, stop looking at him.....see, I know the answers yet I search anyway. Just part of my stubborn nature I guess. It is always easier to see someone else's sitch instead of our own.