Hi T2L, As you can see from the timing the day that I really crashed, I had many doubts about DB or Men in general. I wanted to see what type of success stories that could be found so I posted a thread. I also found a thread from a woman Abbey that after many months? year? her H wants to make the R work. I have been reading other threads. I still think yours is one of the best..some of them turn into B@$@@$ sessions just tearing everything apart. We have moments of disallusion but we pull together. Also the woman Saffie that responded her H had an A for 18 months, and they actually renewed their vows. It is good to hear some reconnected Hs.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hello Everyone! Last night was a complete disaster! My MIL knows about the OW and has asked me what I know of her and I told her all I know is her myspace page. She wanted to look at it and was very disgusted! This happened 2wks ago. Well MIL called H last night and reamed him out about this slut of a 21yr old that he is leaving his W for. Obviously this did not go very well. Of course everything is my fault so I get the phone call. He yelled and screamed at me, I stayed calm and he called me names and it hurt but I knew he was just upset. He hung up on me. I tried calling him back once and then sent a text to call back and talk not yell about this. He called about 20 minutes later. To sum up the conversation, I got him to admit that he is "seeing" the OW and I called him out on everything she had posted on her myspace page. Not very smart of her but that is a 21yr old for you. He was saying I was lying and that her page was set to private. I read page to page and he just sat there and tried to deny but knew it was true so his silence spoke volumes. A R talk started and I got to get off my chest everything that I did that brought us to today. I accepted responsibility and was clear that this was my part and that he had his faults too. He barked at me a few times but all in all he listened and was glad that I finally realize what drove him to the OW's arms (yuck). He said to me that when he left what did I expect him to do while I was figuring out my life he had to move on with his! 14 yrs I gave him and he couldn't wait 4mos. What in the world. Anyhow I told him that I wanted this M to work but I want him to be happy and if she is the love of his life then I didn't pay attention to him and I was sorry and pretty much I was letting him go. I asked him if he missed me and he said YES very much. I asked what he missed if it was just friends or was it being together making love, cuddling, kissing. He said that he missed all of it but the door is closed and he has moved on and he is happy. I told him that is what I want for him. He seemed surprised and very quiet not much talking at all but I was happy he listened. Usually and R talk that comes up he bails ASAP! He thanked me for realizing and said he was sorry and I said I was sorry too! He said that he will talk to me tomorrow. I felt a big rock lifted off my chest in that it is finally all out in the open. He knows I know about the OW so I wonder if guilt is setting in and if the fact it is not a secret makes it not fun anymore. I guess only time will tell. My Dad called me and said that H left a message today to him saying he was sorry to hear about my uncle and that he really misses my parents. What is wrong with him! I just don't get it. I know we have to ignore everything they say and less that 1/2 of what they do but as you all know this is hard. When we don't see any improvement and we want this to work more than anything. I hope you are all doing well. I head up to PA today for the funeral. I will check in and post on each of our threads!
Me-30 H-30 M-6yrs T-14yrs Twin D's-2 Bomb-1/01/08 Left Home 2/01/08 (rented a room) Back Home 4/02/08 Left Home 5/08/08 (moved into own apt.) OW-21 5/29/08
Here is a laugh. I do a monthly newsletter for the team here as part of standard work. Every month I put a few quotes in either on ethics, volunteering etc. Well it is the OW birthday on 9/27 and we have a birthday list. On the next column I put a quote, so I chose "The measure of a person's real character is what they would do if they never would be found out." It was that or "never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what's right" teehee. It is my secret laugh
Last edited by hope3343; 09/17/0807:24 PM.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
As for GALing, I am flying to Chicago tomorrow for the weekend and come back on Monday!! I'm excited...its for my birthday today! It came at a good time too...need to get away to see new scenery, take a breath, and see that there is life out there.
My second GAL when I get back is to take up dance again. I have always loved to dance so I'm looking at dance schools to have an activity to do once a week. My daughter also started piano lessons so that is once a week too. I just bought her a keyboard last night and she didn't stop playing it for over an hour after we got home! She loves it! That made me so happy to see her happy. This is what its about ladies!!!! Feeling happy for ourselves and for our kids.
JGrind - I feel for you to have had your D see that. My D had the experience of seeing her dad pull up with the OW and watch OW go into his house. She came home crying her eyes out. H just have no idea how this impacts the kids.
But today has been fantastic for me! I have had more people call me, text me, and email me happy birthday than I have ever had in my entire life. This day has been so great! I have not felt like this in months and it feels so wonderful that I plan on feeling like this every day.
No matter what happens to any one of us you must believe you will get through this. I tell myself every day that I am strong, I have the power, I have the courage to get through this because I am a strong woman, I am beautiful, I am loved, and I am adored. I give thanks for all of my friends and family and the people on this board who care for me, love me and support me. I will survive, I will live on, I deserve the best and nothing less!! Feel the empowerment when you say this to yourself everyday. You can do it!
Me35/H35 D16/SS14 M-1yr/known H 18yrs 1st Bomb: 4/26 OW35 2nd Bomb: 8/17 OW21 Moved out 8/21/08 H filed D on 9/9/08
God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
shout to both twinhope and marisol. Twinhope, well looks like the dirty secret is out and not by you but the publication of My Space. You do know that H must be really mad at her for posting it and having his family see it. Your work is done...now step back take a breath and see what happens. This is a perfect time for a 180. absolutely. Reread Divorce Remedy. Timing is everything. One positive is H calling your Dad about your uncle. Look at it as a positive. TH have a safe trip to PA for the funeral.
Marisol, you sound great. Happy birthday to you...mine is tomorrow. sob sob. Wish I could go to Vegas! If H calls you over the weekend, don't pick up. Let him know you are GAL by not responding. Do not let ANYTHING ruin this weekend in Chicago. No negativity by any of these aliens! Glad you are so up...it makes me feel happy that you are happy. Hope it spreads to all of us. No wonder we both get along -- we are both Virgos...
take care to all...better days are ahead. I feel it.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Twin - Good for you! H must face reality and I'm glad that his parents voiced their opinions about the whole situation. He only got angry because they were right and he didn't like to hear it. My MIL has said nothing even after seeing her granddaughter cry over all this. I told her it bothered me that she said nothing with all that has happened especially for her to be living with us at the time. She had lunch with him this past Monday but has yet to talk about it. I don't even want to know. She avoids confrontations at all costs. I know she probably didn't say much and he did all the talking. It upsets me but its out of my control. When my lease is up in February and she is still living with me I will tell her she will have to find somewhere else to go.
Hope - Thank you for the birthday wish!!! Happy EARLY birthday to you!!!! Don't SOB!! Be HAPPY!!! Do something extra special for yourself!!!!! You deserve it!!!!!
(((((((((HUGS TO EVERYONE)))))))))))
Me35/H35 D16/SS14 M-1yr/known H 18yrs 1st Bomb: 4/26 OW35 2nd Bomb: 8/17 OW21 Moved out 8/21/08 H filed D on 9/9/08
God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
Twin Hope I agree with hope3343. Now that exposure has taken place this is a good thing. The more actually the better. What happens with these betraying spouses is they live in a fantasy land. My H even told me during the 2 weeks that he had come home that, you just think it will all work out, your in a fantasy. So fantasy environment, and that promotes and encourages the affair. That's why exposure stops that and snaps them into reality. All women are universally the same and have somewhat the same needs, and he's about to find that out. May take a bit, but who cares.
Soooo, super important for you to GAL. I agree. Re-read it. When they see us moving on, getting strong, and we don't stop we keep living, they tend to get nervous. I would definitely step back, GAL and do something unexpected! You're going to feel better and he's going to notice it. We all have to remember that it wasn't sadness that got our spouses to notice us. It was our confidence and strength that attracted them to us. And....every time they see the OW/OM they see someone who is happy and strong. That's what we are competing with. So TwinHope super important. So now H needs to see that the old TwinHope is a thing of the past and this is the new and improved TwinHope. And also I think the book has some investigative work that we are supposed to do(I hate this part) is find out what our spouses see in the OW/OM and if we were lacking in this area. I love what Marisol says, and we need to say it everyday. I'm going to make it and this too shall pass. Be strong as best you can. Strength and confidence are attractive.
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
Morning all, Could use some of that enpowerment from T2L and Marisol today. Just started off bad and feeling sorry for myself. Today is my birthday, and neither H or D15 remembered. My other D28 sent me a text message (God bless her she never forgets), I sent her a note back and she asked what D15 said, I told her they forgot. 5 minutes later get a text from D15 saying she was sorry she forgot. H is playing flag football tonight and I have an appt with MC at 5. Not the way I planned on spending my birthday. 3 years ago H and Ds threw me a big surprise 5-0 party. It was wonderful and I can't help comparing today and then -- only 3 years ago. Where did it go so wrong. Need to avoid H today because I feel like I could come apart. 12 more days till he moves out. I feel so down.
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
Hope3343, First off Happy Happy Happy Birthday! Ya know I feel very down today too, but it's your b-day so I'll rant later.
Don't worry about D15, she's a teenager should we say anymore?
No more comparing to last b-day.
Today you get to create a new memory ok. I want you to look back tomorrow and remember it as a good day or even great day. You have to treat yourself today. That is your present to yourself. Go get a pedicure or massage(gotta love em), call some friends, go have dinner, buy some chocolate, a new CD you've wanted or a new outfit. I'm not condoning becoming a spend a holic but it's your birthday. I know it seems hard and I'm in the same boat got 19 yr anniversary in Dec. and b-day in Jan and I'm thinking I'm gonna plan my own party. I do not want to be alone so I'm going to make sure I'm not. Plan your party for you today. Promise you will treat yourself in someway.
I think it's a good idea to stay away from H today for several reasons. 1-if this is what he really wants then he needs to see what it will be like if he continues in this way. He won't be spending b-day's with you if he does so let him get a taste of it. 2-he does not have your best interest(at the moment) and you need to surround yourself with individuals who do. I don't even know If I would take calls from H. It's not in malice towards him but you need to protect yourself. Our spouses are not watching out for us right now, they are self absorbed and considering themselves so it's from that perspective.
Know that one day we all, either outcome, will be stronger for it-I have to believe this. Some days(like today)I do feel like crawling into bed and staying there. But then I see my children's faces and know how much they love me and me them. I close my eyes and hear their laughter and see every little freckle and know they are my reason to go on. I want them to look back and say "wow, my mom went through the worst thing imaginable, but she amazed me with the way she walked through it". Then I know I gave them tools to walk through adversity, and sometimes that's just keep going. Adversity comes to everyone is some way or another and I think we can say hey I have an opportunity here to grow and be strengthened. Close your eyes, breathe, its a good day, your alive and loved. Go treat yourself and create your birthday memory today. And all of us here have a connection and we think about each other and worry for each other, so know that you are thought about by all of us. Chime in later and let us know how the day is going or i'll be wondering....Much Love, joy and peace to you on your b-day!
Me-38 H-38 Married 18years Daughter-17 & Son-9 Discovery of EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08 Moved in with OW 08/01/08
The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works is the family. -- Lee Iacocca
T2L, thank you sooo much. Unfortunately H called about 11:30 (prior to reading your post), I answered. He says I want to take you to lunch -- you know for your birthday. I was outside taking my 5 minute therapy walk. I think/know my oldest D28 must have called him to "remind him". I said no thank you, I brought your lunch. So he is saying come on, eat your lunch tomorrow, we will go out to Macaroni Grill. As a good DBer I should have said yes, and gone out and laughed and had a good time and be sparkling, but my own alien pod came out and said, no it is not a good day for me, and I start to cry. He said ok, but I wish you would come, then weepy, sniffling, totally unattractive me says, I am sad, I was thinking of the birtday you threw me and how sad I am today. What happened. All I want for my birthday is for my family to be restored. He says I will come over and see you later (oh great - I HATE working at the same place). I said all I want is to be back. then I said goodbye. You are so right, have to make the best of it. It is so hard not having anyone here and them being 1900 miles away. Why did we come here 2 years ago and have him wanting to leave now? If he was soooo unhappy for years -- why didn't he tell me then instead of moving us here with no-one? I don't get it. I am so isolated here. Miss my friends, family, my life. And I can't go back till at least D15 gets out of high school. I saw this quote and it really speaks to our Hs.. "you shouldn't punish others for your own choices"
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
