I didn't go completely dark. I just went very dim. But after a week, and I did initiate the contact but there was a purpose, we have talked almost every day. If a day goes by and I don't hear from him, I don't freak. It has gotten easier, and although he is still on my mind much of the time, the pain is not there anymore.
I think part of the reason for going dim/dark is so that you can get your own strength back. When you are going through all this, it is very easy to backslide. Remember how many times we have all done it? Well, by doing this, it makes it easier to handle. It is like taking a piece of yourself back. You realize that you still love your H, but you also realize that you are someone w/o him. It does not become this life and death need to contact. And when you start doing that, they realize that you are not so clingy and needy. And that becomes more attractive, because instead of feeling like they are obligated to spend time, they find themselves wanting too.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I'm hardly the DB Master yet, BUT for the last 3 weeks or so I have not initiated contact at all unless there was a very important reason, e.g. sending a birthday email or asking H to transfer money. I hated doing this at first, but it's slowly begun to pay off I think. As you will remember from my own sitch, I have been getting more pleasantries in the contact we do have, less simply "how much money do we have for groceries", and more things like how am I doing, how is my job etc. I REALLY think this gives them the space to not feel obligated to contact you, if that makes sense. When they don't feel obligated, and they reach out anyway, I think it is much more meaningful to both them and us. THEY get to realize that maybe they do miss you, and maybe they do want to talk to you, and maybe you are doing your own thing. We get to realize that we have some control in the situation still, control over own actions even if we still don't have control over our feelings, and then the contact, when it does happen, is like a gift and not an obligation. I also agree that if something feels very uncomfortable when you are doing it, it is probably worth trying :).
Going dark/dim does NOT feel comfortable, nor do most of our 180s I'd bet. I think this seems to be the sign that they are right, battling against our gut instincts and using our heads instead of our hearts...
Hope you are doing well today!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I want meaningless contact so I have to do the opposite of what I want right?
this is a guy talking to you - we hate meaningless talk. Why? We think are you that hare brained or is she afraid to say what's really on her mind. Either way it's not attractive to us. Flirting is different - get it? ex. My W called this morning to ask if I had power at the house a 1 1/2 hrs after I've been at work. Me thinking.... I really don't know for sure if we have power right this instant, what difference does it make to her (she's not living there), why call now and ask that, what is the real reason for the call? It's totally a random question that has no bearing on her day. So I say "No power still." W - "Oh, do they know you are out of power?" (aready answered this 15 times) C- "Yes, the power company knows. They said we would have power by Weds nite."(15 times) W - "Oh I was just checking." So what was she really wanting to know? Help me I don't understand!
Last edited by Coach; 09/17/0803:57 PM.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thanks guys for encouraging me to go darkish with my xh. I do think it's best and he needs his time and space as do I.
He picked me up for tennis and when we were almost there the instructor called to say he hurt his back this am in a tournament and couldn't give us class We'll begin next Wednesday instead. So we went to the club anyways and I had breakfast while D and xh played around. He brought me home a little while ago.
So I won't contact him today unless its absolutely important. Everytime I see him I miss him and I think to get stronger I need to stay away from him for a while. Staying away will be good.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Coach...your W was making contact with you. I don't think it was anything other than an excuse to talk to you. I do that sometimes. Instead of sending a quick text I call just to hear his voice
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Jen, Well why can't she just say that then? I want some transparency in communication. Say what you mean, mean what you say. I would love some real dialogue. I want out of this mess!!!! Sorry done venting. Any help you (all of you) can give me on communicating with women will be appreciated. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Alright I need your help, go check out my thread on Newcomers. I knew she wasn't calling to talk about the power. Possible big breakthru. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
hehe
We'll begin next Wednesday instead. So we went to the club anyways and I had breakfast while D and xh played around. He brought me home a little while ago.