I figured I would start a new thread since the old one is getting pretty long... So I'm beginning (and note that is a very slight beginning) to see the light on the direction my life needs to take and I'm thinking that I need to start making my way back home to H. The thing is, I have no idea how to make that first step when I still have so many doubts and feelings of inadequacies in my head. I don't feel like I deserve to go back home, I feel like my H deserves much better than me, and I feel like there would be an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders the moment I walk back into that house. H and I both know that it is going to be a long haul back... we're very good at pretending that everything is okay but I don't want it to be like that anymore! I don't want to pretend because that's where we got in trouble the first time around. I'd really like to "date" H for a while, not as we were but as we should have been, and see how things go. Has anyone had any experience with this method? I'm open to any tips anyone has on how to start the process back...
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
Lost~ I attempted to go back about 4 months after WA; it worked for a while...we went on some dates, talked a lot for about 8 months...there were always OW in the picture...now we are not talking, still not D'd...life in limbo land...it's not a fun place to be. I am still very hopeful. I feel as if he really wanted a D, he would go for it. We have talked a handful of times this year. Everything ceased about the middle of March...not sure what happend.
I am happy for you and your H...take it slow, if you haven't already, seek the help of a DB coach; mine has been a tremendous help! She really "gets" what needs to be done and is a great guide. Work through the 4 steps: decreasing hurt feelings and anger, friendship, courtship then restoring the R/M. trying to jump around through the steps, can be counter productive...which is what i did...and my coach thinks that could have been some of the problem.
My best advice, slow and steady wins the race....
Best Wishes Christarn
H-32 Me-29 T-10years M-4yr (10/04) Me- WAW 1/07 I filed for D 2/07 D put on hold 5/07 H re-files for D 9/08 WOW! trying MC 10/08
"Work like you don't need the money, dance like nobody is watching, love like you've never been hurt!"
That is great news. I can see how you may feel a lot of pressure. Even if you feel as if you don't deserve another chance, and you do, H is willing to work on your marriage. That is a gift. Have you thought of attending marriage retreat? I have never attended one but I have heard that they have the potential to work wonders. This may provide you with the tools and foundation to rebuild your R. Best of luck!!!
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
H and I have had some setbacks. We've had a couple of intense conversations about getting back together and all that it would entail, as well as the feelings that we would have to overcome to make it work. Needless to say, there are some things that have proven to be stumbling blocks - trust on both ends is the biggie. The other is that I would have to do a complete 180 (again) in my life in order for it to even work - move back home, new job, etc., which scares both of us because neither of us can know if I will be happy because I'm the one who has to change everything. Add to the fact that we're both so tired of the sitch that we don't know if we want to put forth any more effort... it feels like we're backed up against a wall with nowhere to go. It feels like we're in the middle of some tragic love story movie - two people who still love each other but can't be together because too much has pulled them apart and they don't know how to find their way back to each other. Have any of you discovered the key to finding your way back to your spouse???
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
I guess If I were in that sitch I would say, "I'll trust you if you trust me" But you have to believe it. Your going to have to take a leap of faith no matter how long you wait.
Take the leap. In fact lead. Tell him that and see what he says. Start with a clean slate.
What is it that you would have to change, that he does not? Can you tell me more?
I would have to give up my job, since OM works for the same organization and lives in the same town where my job is (which is over 50 miles away from where H lives and where I would be moving back to). Theoretically, I don't have to see OM because we don't work in the same building, but H would always be wondering if I was seeing him and honestly, it would always be a temptation for me. Also, I would have to give up my current residence (which wouldn't be the end of the world), the new friends I've made since moving to the new town (since I wouldn't be able to frequently visit this town because of OM), and all the new activities that I've taken up since moving here because they're not available where H lives. H wouldn't have to give up anything, quite frankly.
It's not that I don't think H is worth giving up all this... it's just that I feel like I'm finally finding myself and discovering all these new things that I like doing, fill my time, and make me feel good about doing. For instance, I've taken up tennis, joined a gym, and recently taken up rock climbing. All of which I enjoy immensely but H lives in a rural area where none of this is available.
H worries that asking me to give up all this will later lead me to resent him for having to give it all up, and I honestly worry about the same thing...
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
You hit the nail on the head. He says that he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to trust me because of OM/emotional relationship and I don't know if I trust him to change and be able to be all that I need him to be because he's never been able to in the past.
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
It's funny that you ask this, because in our MC session yesterday we had this same discussion. I gave him three specific examples of things that he could do to show me that I was a priority for him and worthy of his time, and he was noncommittal to all of them. He said that even though he didn't think they were unreasonable things for me to ask from him, he didn't know if he could always do them. I hate to say it, but a lot of the things we discussed yesterday seemed to pretty much nail the coffin closed for us. It kind of angered me because all the things he is asking of me are pretty huge and I told him if he thought he would be able to do the few very small things I asked of him, I would be able to make all the changes he asked of me... yet he couldn't say he could do those few small things. All of this just sort of solidifies the feelings that I've had for years - that I'm always going to be on the back burner and that there is always going to be something that takes priority over me... It breaks my heart, but I feel like in his own way he's admitting that he'll never be willing to give me what I need.
Me (WAW) 30 H (LBS) 31 T since 6/10/1994 M 8/8/98 No kids S 3/10/08 D filed 6/9/08; put on hold 7/14/08 D finalized 10/13/08
