Another one bites the dust

[No Longer BH]

First, thank you one and all for such a wonderful show of support. You can not even know how much it means to me, so thank you!

Ready - Can you show Empathy for H? Do not fight with him anymore. Validate him. Be his best friend. You need to STRETCH and give him what HE needs the most right now. Do not expect him to give you what you need. No intentions and no expectations. TRUE GIVING is real love. TRUE GIVING does not expect anything in return.

Yes, I can show him empathy and kindness. I have continued to do this and do not plan on changing those actions. My problem is that I still have expectations. I still want him to come home. I reach out to him because I still do love him, and I dont expect anything in return- mostly. I think I keep doing it in the hopes that one day he will wake up and see that I am an incredible person and he cant believe he left me. That by being his friend I will get to add to his love bank and he will fall back in love with me. I recongize this and see that it is not healthy for me because I keep getting drawn in to him with just little actions from him. Even though I do not want to look for signs and am trying very hard not to, I still tend to look anyway.

sgctxok - Nurture your friendship with your STBX. Do your best to DB in that situation, but it's better not to be so alone and isolated.

Is it healthy for me to be doing this if I am doing it out of the hopes of getting my M back? It goes back to the conversation that I had with my brother. I keep looking at STBXH as in a MLC. I truly believe he is, but that keeps me thinking that he will make it through this crisis and want to come back to me. It keeps me attached and on a holding pattern. If being his friend does give me a chance to save my M, then I want to do it. I guess I am just scared at the moment. I am afraid that by staying attached (but not desperate or needy) that I will get my heart crushed once again. I can not take that. If I walk away and completely detach (which is what I was doing last week) I will lose him for sure because he tends to just let go of me at times like that. I get that I am doing this to myself. I just want to do what is right and am clouded by fear at the moment.

I'm glad you have some outside friendships. But don't play your hand when you're DBing EVEN IF he puts the pressure on.


Could you tell me further what you mean by this?

I am getting that everyone else here believes that I need to just let him go so that I no longer focus on that slim possibility of might be. I am wasting energy on it. Again, because of this fear right now, I truly feel that if I do that then it will definately be over. But, even if I "won" him back, would it be right for me? At what cost to myself would I have had to go through just to prove myself worthy? I think the answer is to work on letting him go in my heart, but still be friendly towards him. Do not tell him anything about my life yet listen when he wants to tell me about his. Do not read anything into his actions because unless he comes and tells me he wants to work on us, they dont mean anything. And always be kind. Easier said than done!!!