We are continuing to push through the obstacles and work on our marriage....
Last night's dialogue topic was "How do I show my love for you daily? How do I feel about that?"
I said I was satisfied w/how I show my love for H, like a bird who is cozy in the nest he has made, or like when you look at the house after spending all day cleaning and know it was worth the energy it took to make it look so nice...
H said he was "tormented" by his answer. Like getting hit with rocks, or being a high school kid torn between going with his friends drinking and going home. The kid knew what was right, but he found himself struggling to make the right choice.
I initially internalized it to mean that he was trying to show love for me b/c it was the "right thing to do", not because he wanted to...so I was feeling a little crappy about that.
But I asked H for clarification so I could understand his feelings instead of jumping to conclusions. He said it was more like the days he comes home from work frustrated b/c he had so much he knew he needed to get done, but wasn't able to do it all, or just DIDN'T do it for some reason.
So it seems his torment, in his words, is more that "I know what you need/want me to do to show you love, but often at the end of the day I know I haven't done those things even though I know that you would like me to, so I am frustrated with myself".
Then I had a nightmare last night that I was on the phone with Jeff (Virtually Handsome)--which is weird b/c i haven't ever called anyone from these boards. Anyway I was talking to Jeff on the cell phone in the car and H got into the car with me, it was like we had stopped somewhere for an errand and I was talking to Jeff while H was out of the car. I kept talking to Jeff for a minute after H got back in the car, so he knew I was talking to him.
Then it flashed to me and H laying in bed and he pulls out his phone and calls OW. In the dream it was like it happened the instant I hung up from talking to Jeff, hard to explain.....anyway so H is on the phone w/OW and I hear her asking him when he is buying her the diamond ring he promised her so they could get married...I grabbed the phone away and told her that H and I were in bed together and she needed to leave us alone. She said we were messed up if we were still together even though SHE was still w/H...
I hung up the phone (in the dream) and asked H why he called her. He said b/c I called Jeff. Then I asked about the ring and he said he HAD promised her a ring and was still talking to her even though he was living with me, as a family....I realized we were OVER this time as I couldn't do it all over again...
THEN I WOKE UP. I just rolled up against H, and said, "I had a bad dream, can you hold me?" So he did. I said, "Tell me you love me", and he did. I never told him what the dream was about.........
