The more I contemplate what she's doing, the more I'm losing my enthusiasm for being with and spending time with my W. I suppose I'm doing a little bit of projecting right now, she may do a 180 and things work out smashingly for us.
So, I'm noticing that I don't care as much what she is doing and with whom. I've also noticed that I'm thinking about moving on and the logistics of a major life change quite a bit. But, the thing that is surprising me the most is how I've been dealing with an attack of shakes not unlike stage fright for the past hour or so. I think that the nerves are coming on as a result of thinking about the coming confrontation about her behavior and affairs, the reality of a possible divorce and so on.
Actually, in some ways putting up with her bad behavior is much easier than facing the unknown future. That's probably why she hasn't had the guts to divorce me yet.
Oh, Dan! I'm soooo sorry that you are suffering (that so many of us are!). Hang in there...I can't imagine that the confrontation will be worse than the "knowing" that you are already doing. I know it wasn't for me. In fact, in so many ways, it was such a relief. However you decide to handle it will be fine too.
I know what you mean about "losing your enthusiasm for being with" her. I feel that way a lot too. What kind of crazy person would even consider spending another minute in a M with someone so hurtful and after such a betrayal? But, then I remember that I took a vow, and, no matter what my H thought about his side of the deal, mine still means what it meant way back then..."for better and for worse."
Don't get me wrong, there's not one soul in your life who would blame you for throwing in the towel...no one here would blame you either. But, I personally, want to know that I gave it my all...I want to be able to tuck my kids in bed at night knowing that I was willing to love their father through the roughest of times when he was the least lovable person on earth!
I really suggest that you pick a date...then you don't have to worry. Mine's Feb. 1. On that day, I'll have the discussion with myself again. Have I seen any progress in my R? By the way, I've even identified some measures so I'll know if there's been progress. Do I see any more or less hope than I did when he first left? Etc. If the answers are not in favor of the M, I'll likely file for the D. But, until Feb. 1, I'm not going to consider filing, etc.
The noticing you don't care as much I think is what they call detaching. I'm not there yet...in fact, I'm far, far, far away from there. But, I think it's a good place to be. Then you can be content in your life while you wait for you selected date to arrive.
To be honest, there's a lot more to D than just the lack of the loving feelings. Fear of the unknown is one of those things! I think my H hasn't filed for D for finanacial reasons. But, whatever the reason, I'm taking it as an opportunity to work on me, and I'm praying that God will open his eyes before it's too late.
Take care of yourself!!!
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
I really appreciate your thoughts. That are a comfort. My vows are important to me as well. That's probably why the betrayal hurts the way it does. The thing is, the betrayal is in many ways the smallest thing. I get angry about that. I get more angry when I think about the lies she told me straight to my face. I get most angry when I think about how she uses me for money, how she strung me along for months in MC, how because of her own selfishness and fear she has kept me floating in limbo while my heart was dying and I was struggling at times to keep breathing and all that while, she was living it up.
No, I'm going to have to bring this situation to the light of day soon, else the anger will start to be a problem. Thinking after, I think that this afternoon was a little bit of a panic attack.
What about trying to write out what you want to say before you say it to your W? Actually typing would be better, so that you can go back, read it later, and edit. I think you are right, you need to confront. But remember there is a such thing as constructive confrontation. I understand your anger, but remember what your ultimate goal is. Whether it is to end things, or try to continue to make them work, remember you have tried. Dan, you are great, and you will get through this. But think first what you want the end result to be, and plan accordingly.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
That's probably a good idea. I know that I have a tendency to get off track easily.
I'm not quite sure what my ultimate goal is anymore. I guess that's because it is a contingent goal.
So, in that case, I look to my immediate goal which is to have a frank honest discussion with my W about the last 6 months and her affairs. I'll focus on that goal for now and based on the result there, decide which path to go by.
Good morning, Dan! I hope you got some rest!!!! That's been one of the hardest things for me...I never sleep anymore!
At any rate, I too like the idea of writing down what you want to say, and what you want to accomplish from the confrontation.
I also feel the most anger at the lies. In fact, I think I've done fairly well letting that go, and then just yesterday I was driving down the road and I remembered this one time recently that H did something that I questioned, and he assured me I had no reason to worry about it. Wow! Everytime one of the specific instances hits me, it makes me furious all over again.
But, remember that the forgiveness of your W is for you, not for her. If you can forgive her, you can heal from what she's done. If you can't forgive her, that bitterness will cloud your judgement and enter your other relationships (including those with your children).
Hang in there! You'll come out okay in the end, whatever you decide is right for you and your family.
I'll check in on you tonight!
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
Morning Ladies and Gents. I'm doing fine. I think that was a little panic attack yesterday. Strange.
I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of wondering what drama she is up to now and how much of anything is truth. I'm tired of wondering if the guy in the truck next to me at the stoplight is one of her guys and being reminded of all this drama as I drive around our two little towns and see the dive bars and the friends houses and the police station and the rest.
I'm working on letting it all go. I say that I'm tired of it all, but, I'm doing much better than a few weeks ago, but, I do still catch myself getting caught up in it in my head from time to time.
So, it looks like a time to be patient and focus on finding a new job closer to home. I had an interview on Monday for a job that is within biking distance and would be an awesome job. I'm supposed to hear back by Friday if they want me back for a second interview. Then, I'm still waiting to hear from my best man on a remote job working with him. Once I'm working closer to home, I will have more time and energy available to spend with the kids and presumably more money as well. I want to break out of the routine we have now which is I pickup the kids, they play for 30 minutes while I'm getting dinner ready, we eat, the older two do homework and everyone gets ready for bed. It's not exactly the life that I envisioned before the kids were born.
I think I'm going to make an appointment with my IC soon as there have been enough changes come down the pike recently, that I could use some help sorting things out.
I had an interview on Monday for a job that is within biking distance and would be an awesome job. I'm supposed to hear back by Friday if they want me back for a second interview.
