New Thread-Husband Moved in With OW(T2L)

[hope3343]

T2L, we were worried....{{{{{{hugs hugs hugs}}}}}}}, I figured seeing H would have a bad impact. Don't know what is worst --not seeing them or seeing them all the time to keep the wounds open. You do not seem ready to "un-love him". Sometimes if you jump in dating too soon it will not be a positive experience. Heal yourself first.
Remember we are really here for you. That is why I post so much...it is a release for me when I start to panic.

A friend has been sending me e-mails about when her husband left her for 8 months and moved in with OW. She had almost no contact with him except for a few phone conversations during those long months. Here is what she said which you might relate too...
"God was working on my husband when I didn't realize He was. I had very little contact with my husband during our separation. I can count the times on one hand how often we spoke on the phone, and even then, the conversations were less than five minutes. And I only saw him twice during our separation, for about fifteen or twenty minutes each time. Other than this little contact with him, I had no idea what he was doing, (but his family kept me informed). Because had I been able to contact him more frequently, I would have. And I know that I would have made a mess of what God was trying to do. I was forced to let go...and let God have His way in his life. It benefited our marriage in the long run."

She is happily restored to her husband. I would love to try and have that faith and commitment and really turn it over to God. She was on disability, lost her apartment when he moved and had to move into her mother's house. It was the lowest point in her life. I find comfort in what she sends me. I hope it helps you also.

Think we both had a few bad days. take care and we care.

[hope3343]

marisol, just read your last post. My suggestions (pretty funny since I have been a horrible DBer these last days).
First all the talk about the OW -- did you see his response - never brought her up once. I think that is where DBing has it strong points. If you keep bringing up OW it only drives them away quicker. I see that with my own H.
You spent way to many paragraphs second guessing what your H thought and mindreading for him. This is exactly what they do not want. Because we keep doing that we are not communicating with them and listening to what they are saying. Communication is a big issue with the breakdown of our Rs.
Keep these truth darts to a few paragraphs and get to the point. I know my H loses interest in reading anything past one page.
Do you see H's e-mail -- you gave him cause by telling him he needs organization and order...and now he is using it against you by trying to go forward with a D.
Maybe at this point you should do a 180. No contact unless he contacts you. Step away and let him look at the OW for what she is and then give him a chance for reflection. Don't tell him just be not available, which is the hardest thing for all of us to do.
This is a support group and we are supporting...

Shouts out to twinhope and JGrind????? where are you. how is everything going? Let me know you are ok.

[marisol35]

Hope,

Now that you say that....I realize what I did... wow... Maybe I'm just still in shock from everything...it has all happened so fast (within the last 4 weeks) and I am so hurt that he is going to fly to see OW parents next month... I mean you don't just go visit someone's parents like that if there isn't a significant reason right?

I will do the 180...no contact at all which I have been doing for the most part.

I just can't wait to go to Chicago on Thursday. My parents got me tickets to go for the weekend for my birthday and to get away from it all. This will be good for me. My D16 will be staying with my parents for the weekend. I will be back on Monday.

(((((HUGS!)))))

This is so hard.....

[twinhope]

Hello everyone! Things have been real crazy for me. On top of my 6yr anniversary on Sunday and I did not receive a call from H which I wasn't expecting. He did call to say goodnight to the girls and I did not want to answer so I let it go to VM. He said that he hoped that we had a good weekend, give the girls a kiss and hug for me, and hoped we had a good day! Yuck, how dare him. What does he think I spent our anniversary frolicing in the meadows. I was upset and missing my H. Then I found out that my uncle had a stroke and he was not going to make it. I am suppose to start a new job on Sept.22, fly home on wed. for the funeral, mourn my M, my D-2's are in a wedding on Sat. I definately have alot on my plate. As we say when it rains it pours.

My H has been supportive about my uncle said that he was here for me if I need him. Crazy comment for someone who wants a D. Then he asked me this "So you are going to send flowers from US, right" I am sorry I did not know there was an US. It does not seem like that! This is why I am not sure if this is what he really wants. He is so angry at me, hurt, feels betrayed, and thinks that I am playing games right now to see if he will bite. That is why I don't think he is giving in to any feeling for me. He does not trust me. Do I keep up the DB and stick to the plan? Or is he looking for me to give up my pride and show him that I want him. All along he has felt that I never wanted him, needed him, or loved him and now with the DB it is just confirming his thoughts. He may just be acting out, I am so confused. I think that the OW plays a big part b/c while he has wanted all that from me, she is giving it to him now. I don't like her at all or him right now!

I saw that some of you have done the letter/email thing. I have thought of this but for my H talk has been always cheap! When I read success stories that all suggest for us to stick to our DB but we have to be ever so PATIENT! Not my virtue for sure! Glad to hear from everyone! I am leaving on wed eve and I will try to still check in on everyone! Take care and keep up the good work. We have to know that even though we don't think so now, good things will come in the future with or without our H's. We all would like with so we can keep praying for a change of heart from them! It is amazing how we all have slightly different sitch's but it seems our H's do and say the same things.

[hope3343]

Welcome back twinhope. I am sorry to hear that your uncle passed. With everything else going on you wonder how much you can take. I have been failing the DB thing the past few days and going back to my lovely depressing self. Today was much better. It does say in DR book that if you see a DB technique not working or spouse getting mad - stop immediately.
I did send the e-mail to my H today because he must have said 10x that I did not care about the marriage and had what I wanted. I did the truth dart. He did send me an e-mail back and said 'that's ok", I did not respond and have not brought it up tonight. Try to work out a 180 or something to get your point across without being needy.
Your right we have different stich's but that were all taken my aliens@ Take care. I missed you.

[JGrind]

Hello everyone, Sorry to disappear, too much to deal with in just a days time. D11 came home from school yesterday afternoon with homework in every subject, which set her off , screaming , crying, pounding her fists, calling herself a "moron" and screaming "I feel like I want to kill myself!" She is trying so hard to keep up in the regular classroom (she is hearing impaired and ADD) so she doesnt have to go back to the "special classroom" I had to give her cool down time and then gently explained how it makes me worried and sad to see her so angry and to hear her say things like she did. Told her I wanted to help and we would talk with teacher. Told her I want to see her try her best, but if some things are left undone, it is OK, as long as she was trying. That night, putting her to bed, she confided in me when she stayed at H house this weekend, she went to H bedroom because she couldnt sleep and found OW sleeping in his bed with him. She said she was very upset and brothers dont know about it. I was afraid of this. I cannot believe the nerve! Its bad enough I cant get that image out of my mind, but my D11 has to be haunted with it! WHAT DOES HE THINK HE"S DOING!!!!???

Well, back up from bedtime back to homework time. My MIL called to check on us DURING that fiasco. My MIL is very unstable person -agressive, controlling, overly sensitive. Its been a roller coaster ride our whole marriage and my H's whole life: and my H has never been close with her, so when she pulls anything, H has always stood firm on my side. She has been especially hurt and angry since H left me. He does not visit or call his parents at all since he left. Ive spoken with her on a few occasions, some actual decent heart to heart conversations, but she still finds a way to blame and criticize.You cannot defend yourself, because she is so defensive.Our children have confided in us that they do not like her and are very unhappy anytime they are there to visit.She has never been especially "loving" which is why I think H is VERY sensitive to lack of affection. She sent email to give kids saying they missed grandparents day and she waited all day and night for them to call. It was very angry, sarcastic email, complete with a "lovie dovie" poem about grandparents.So when she called today complaining noone calls, including the grandkids, I calmly apologized for not looking at calendar closely, and acknowledged her hurt , but told her I didnt appreciate email- kids dont deserve an angry guilt trip. So she started yelling at me saying I was just like H - dont call , dont visit. "its like me and dad(FIL) dont even exist!"

Too much $@%! to deal with in one day. Immediately called H - told him story and said were dealing with enugh, must take care of MIL. Insisted we both sit and talk with her. Had long conversation - H backs me 100%, but I couldnt help but shake my head to myself when he talks about his mother's behavior "alienating her whole family". But told H I appreciated his support in this matter - "it really means alot to me". H called his mom ,but said she refuses to talk to us and hung up on him also. This is just too much. How much can one person take?
I guess if anything good came out of that incident is was the opportunity for H and I to talk "heart to heart".

hope3343- thank you for reply.I have my 2nd coachbusting session tommorrow with Vernetta.You bring up my depression. Yes, I do regret keeping that from my H. It is sad I felt I couldnt confide in him- I was so ashamed and afraid he would take it personally - as if HE was the cause of it. Vernetta even acknowledged my lack of communication , saying I didnt need to be afraid he would take it personally, because he was already feeling that way anyway. H did comment to me at one point that if I'd told him about it we probably wouldnt be where we are at right now. Although I do partly agree with that, I also felt like that comment was just an excuse for more blame. Just after he left I apologized for keeping it secret from him and told him how much I needed his support, and how much I wanted to help and support him ( after he confessed to his escallating drinking and recent nicotine addiction), but he refused. I just dont know how to act at this point. It seems nothing works. He had stated in a letter that even though I wanted to "make amends" he could not accept because he would always think I am being "forced" and If he wasnt happy, noone would be happy ( sound familiar, marisol?)
I will update on any good solutions to try from my coachbusting session tommorrow.In the meantime, still looking for atty- I agree about the restriction of drinking and driving with kids.Some one else had suggested it too. Well, good night everyone. will visit again tommorrow.

[Trying2live]

Just wanted to throw this out while I'm going thru all the posts-I gotta catch up with you guys.

Someone told me that Dr. James Dobson had said that what the cheating spouse will do is re-create the marriage so that he can get mad and justify what he has done. So he can say well I was never happy because blah blah blah....Because he's recreated your entire marriage in his/her mind. Yeah it makes you feel so crazy since you know you had great memories and they never appeared unhappy. Anyways good stuff someone forwarded me.

Anyone have a chance to get any of the books I mentioned? I'm almost finished with one I just bought, breaks down the addiction aspect to the OW in the whole thing. Pretty good....ok I'm going to read more posts.

[Trying2live]

Ok Almost caught up....Wow so funny how last week we all had a few steps back or had really hard struggles.

So how is everyone's GAL'ing going? Who has signed up for a class, gym or something. You can't miss this step. Its important. So tell me tell me....I'm going to keep bugging you all until I hear you have. Plus it's that something aside of this whole mess that we're in, that's just for you. Your investing in you, the new improved stronger you. So please don't skip this part. It's easy to concentrate on the other strategies but forget that she listed this one in the book too.

I started salsa lessons at the community recreation program through the city when this all started. Was the best thing I did. IT was that 1 hour a week where I cold forget just for a minute how hard things are and laugh. IT ended and I'm looking for a new one.

It seems like a lot of our spouses are similar. I am reading the book by Willard Harley called Surviving An Affair. He was an owner and operator of 10 Drug rehab centers for many years. He has his doctorate. He crossed over into marital counseling and found out that he had to treat the betraying spouses the same as the addicts. He explains how affairs are an addiction. It's very interesting. If you can, get the book.

I agree with the book. After my H came and told the family he left for 3 days then came home broke it off with her and apologized. But somewhere in the 2 weeks that he was home, he was angry and mentally just screwed up-crying over her, punching holes in the wall, distant, and moody. So now after reading the book I know what it was, he was going through the withdrawal symptoms of it. Ok going on a walk, need some exercise, then gonna come home and search for new salsa class again! GAL girls...back in a bit......

[hope3343]

Hey so goooood to hear from T2L and JGrind.. I kinda know when we don't check in that we are having an off day (or 2!), so glad you are back in the loop.
JGrind, my heart goes out to you about D. My D15 was thought to be borderline ADD when she was 9 or 10, but by 6th grade she came into her own. She struggled with homework also and just did not get it. One teacher said let her work it on her own, well that was the worst advice EVER. We finally sat with her and broke it down little by little with a break every 15 minutes or so which helped. We also got her involved with this summer course (I think it was called fast track) which helps kids improve their comprehension etc. I swear that program rewired her brain and taught her skills. I will try and get the website for you. I do think that most of her frustration comes with H sleeping with OW...What the h... I CAN'T believe that he did that. Well I can believe but don't want to. It was dumb and selfish. Is this "I want to be happy". It is soooo frustrating. JGrind do not beat yourself up. You sound like you are doing all the right things. But I would let H know what your D saw and tell him that it is not acceptable. He needs to be accountable and there is no excuse for that kind of behavior. Tell him that his D "deserves to be happy also" and she WONT seeing that.

T2L, you sound great. You know we have those high and lows. I did not get any of those books..yet. I got a Sophie Kinsella book from the library. Wanted something non-therapy. I am also reading the book from G. Neuman that I downloaded from the Oprah show. I am about 70 pages into it. Interesting reading. Good points about how for men it actually is not about the sex it is about the emotional support. I hope everyone downloaded it. As for GAL - I sent an e-mail to my new friend to get together this weekend for coffee whatever, also spent last Saturday with her and went out to lunch. I walk the beach barefoot (nature's best pedicure) which is the best therapy for me. I also am going to start swimming again since we have a membership at this clubhouse (another expense my H wanted) till next year) so I might as well use the pool since we are paying for it.
Yesterday was a good day. As you know I sent the e-mail truth dart (in earlier post I cut/paste). When I got home, H was waiting for me to mention it (past behavior), I didn't. Our D was at a football game, so instead of staying home and maybe getting into a conversation I did not want to -- I am going for a walk, H looked surprised. I stayed out till dark -- ok ok - I drove through the apt complex he is moving into to check it out also!
I got home and he was working on the computer (A first since all of this started),He asked my opinion about work, and I made some points about it. Then D came home at 10 and I said I am taking a shower and went to bed. He came to bed late. I think he is starting to freak out that he has not told our D's that he is moving out the end of the month. It is weighing heavily on his soul. Not my problem.
Today I saw him outside and he stops me and says you are doing your power walk (I stroll on the side of one building to get me away from my desk), then he says you really lost alot of weight and is that a new shirt? I said it didn't fit me before. I was in Walmart buying flashlights for hurricane the week before and I saw a clearance of shirts from $3.00 to $7.00, I bought 4 tops for $18. faded glory etc. The funny part is that I got more compliments on the last 2 shirts I wore than the stuff I bought from Dillards -- go figure. Maybe because they are smaller size? I did not want to tell H I got them at Walmart because he is a Polo type guy. I can keep secrets too...lol
Then H gets a text from D15, she is sick (gets migraines), has really bad one, I tell H I will get her (normal pattern), then H says I should go and spend some time with her, so I back off and say that will be fine. I talked to D15 she is going to sleep. I sent a one line e-mail to H, thanking him for picking up D and that I appreciate it. As bad as the end of the month will be, I felt empowered today.
P.s. It is my birthday tomorrow, sniff sniff. I remember my 50th -- my H and Ds threw me a big birthday party. How times have changed. Can't dwell on the past need to look at today and the future.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{group hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
What doesn't kill us will make us strong

[Trying2live]

Hey what is the name of the success story thread you started in MLC?