I see a lot of baby steps there, ITH. I would say the biggest challenge for both of you right now may well be that he still turns to you as his "fixer". I've been there. I actually repaired my ex's car for her at one point. Blech.
He's a big boy and needs to figure out what these things are3 like by himself. Only by doing that can he figure out how great things are with you involved. Suddenly, those bills were so much easier before you left. The house was cleaner. The refrigerator stayed stocked. The bed wasn't empty. His own laughter didn't just echo off the walls.
I appreciate that you like my moves as of late. I have about 30 days more before my still secretive move-back date, so let's hope I can keep it up until then and maybe insinuate some new and as-yet unseen moves! I have faith that I will survive this and come out on top with my H for the first time in quite awhile!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
So H and I just had out joint session with Jody and I am feeling pretty devastated and on the brink of just giving up. Please if anyone can see any positives please help me out here as this is probably the worst I've felt since the day the bomb dropped.
H remembered the call this time, IMd me to make sure it was still going on. I called him about 5 minutes before the call, and he said that "maybe he was going to come to Poland in a few weeks to visit". OK this was good, of course non-committal and who knows for sure, but I was feeling positive, had my whole "as-if" attitude in place for the call.
So when we called, I find out that H has felt less pressured over the last week because of less contact, and only discussing business things. Actually we discussed more than that, but whatever. He finds talking to me less to be better apparently. As I suspected too with school he hasn't had time to think about the relationship. That's fine with me. I'd almost prefer he didn't.
About Dublin, he left out the sex part and said it was like meeting with an old friend, that I was much nicer and more pleasant to be around, but he wouldn't want me to stay the night. It was nice enough to see me and everything.
Then Jody asked what kind of self-reflection I had been doing, and I said that I realized how controlling I had been, and was able to explain it from H's POV. He said that I should have read the signs a long time ago, and that even though I am sorry I have done so much damage that he doesn't know what can be done now. He doesn't feel like being married, feels like living with me would be jail, and cannot imagine waking up to me in his bed. I am not a bad person though, am a sweet person and all. He said that I was much better to be around than I used to be, more positive, more upbeat, less cynical etc., and that if I hadn't completely changed, he couldn't see being around me at all. Jody then said that in these cases she likes to suggest starting with a blank canvas, and he can't even agree to that, only to just keeping it blank, and in terms of even being friends, he only sees it like what we have now, which is basically nothing. However even after she says several times that he doesn't need to do these calls if he's too busy, and I agree with her, he says he wants to do them every 2 weeks that they are important. Why though? He won't even think of living with me or even staying the night? I am supposed to be home in 30 days and he doesn't even know, and I have no idea what to do now!!! Then at the end of the call Jody said that we behaved with such dignity and respect and she commended us for this. H asked me to text him when I got home because it is 11 PM here.
I am feeling so lost. There is a big part of me that wants to just quit my job and move back to the US. If H can't spend a few nights with me, he will never know how different things actually can be. If he thinks the damage is irreparable, why is he agreeing to these calls? He is so hurtful, and I don't know if he's somehow just trying to get closure. I really wish we wouldn't have done this call. I am a massive wreck right now.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I'm sorry things seem to be falling apart all over again. I wish I had strong words of wisdom and hope but I am feeling pretty crappy and lost as well so I don't know what to say. I don't know why your husband cannot imagine you staying the night. That makes no sense to me either. You are his wife for crying out loud!
I don't know. All our WAH's are driving me insane right now.
Try to relax and keep reminding yourself that he is lashing out because he is in pain. It helps to give grace.
Ok positives - He did say he might visit in Poland, He still wants to do Phone sessions, he thinks you are better to be around than in the past. There are alot of positives in this convo. Yes some negatives but you know what WAH are going to say stupip things at times to justify whay they are being the way they are. Good luck and continiue focusing on YOU!!!!!
I didn't sleep at all last night. I know, work on me. I just don't want to be here anymore is my biggest problem. Why does it seem as though the more I DB the more he pulls away from me?
The thing that will keep me sane today is that I have an individual session with Jody tonight. I really hope she has an action plan for me.
About the Poland trip, I think it would be huge if it happened,as 2 nights together would really make a big difference, but he can't even give me a date for this and I certainly am not going to bring it up again. I need to go to the US for a biz trip too and am contemplating taking some vacation while there but part of me thinks I should just get back to the house ASAP and not leave him to stew anymore. He is afraid of me for no reason now!
Also, I am pretty upset the more I think about it the way he kept saying things like how I am so much more positive and used to be cynical. I know what my issues were and this wasn't one! I was SO loving too and did so many nice things that he has not mentioned once. It's all venom and bile and I caused all this damage. For someone doing so much self-reflection, a little bit of owning up would have been good.
I also feel like he isn't up front on the sessions about everything, saying I was like an old friend, omitting the fact that we had sex, saying all our conversations were business related when the day before he'd asked me about my work, sent me a link to a news article etc. I am going to see if Jody has any suggestions for how to get out of doing these sessions going forward. Yuck, I don't know how to make myself feel better :(.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Was this just my H spewing, or was it more than this? I am having a hard time reconciling him wanting to do joint sessions with saying being in the same house with me would be like jail and that he can't imagine being married. Newsflash to him, he IS married.
I also don't understand why he has gotten worse with time instead of better when I have been doing everything right in DB terms. Does this mean I should be trying a different approach entirely? Is my DB approach actually wrong? Should I be showing more emotion? At the end of the call yesterday he said to me "I have spent most of the time talking, is there anything that you wanted to say?" I just said that I was happy taking it one day at a time and taking Jody's lead on this, that at the moment I didn't feel like there was a lot more to say.
Does he have NO idea how much pain he is causing me? Does he hope I will leave HIM? I am just feeling completely unsure of everything at the moment. I wonder whether he will reach out today or whether contact is going to get less and less. Is he just trying to end things with me? He doesn't even want friendship beyond these ridiculous IMs, even though when I left he said he wanted to work on the friendship. I am now pleasant to be around but he still can't be around me??? He may come to Poland to visit but he wouldn't want me to stay the night in HIS bed?
Sorry I know I'm spewing myself here, but so far I am NOT having a very good day and could REALLY use some encouragement...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Ok, I'm going to be frank because I really want you to not make the mistakes I did. I'm not going to analyse the content of the call, Jody is probably the best person for that.
His actions don't make logical sense, no WAS's do, so don't waste your energy trying to make sense of them. You have to develop a hard hide (sp?), take it on the chin and concentrate on actions. Think about how are YOU going to react to this? Hopelessness is not helpful to your PMA.
1. List the positives from the call.
2. Next to it list the actions that brought these about.
3. Tell me, from what has worked so far, how YOU are going to handle this situation. In practical terms and also in your head.
You have to accept there are some things you can do nothing about at the moment and there are some things you can. This is going to take time and you may have to play around with your strategy. If you feel like sharing the answers to the above here I'd love to hear them.
I hope I am not being too harsh bit sometimes the whys and wherefores are not entirely helpful, not so say don't post what you are feeling because I know how helpful that can be and I TOTALLY understand those feelings but realise that, although very powerful, they are just feelings.
Most of all ITH, your marriage is worth this and the man you love is worth this. Realise that you are learning so much and that you will come out a stronger person. We don't ask for change but sometimes change is necessary to make us the person we are meant to be.
I'll read through and post back. (((hugs)))