Bring on the Rain - Part 5

[SueS]

Good Morning-

I'm taking this slow. I can feel myself being really cautious. Part of me wants to jump right back in, but I find myself pulling back a little. I guess it's to be expected.

H didn't work yesterday. He typically works from 12-9 on Tuesday. He had a court appearance at 1:00 and then a chemical dependency assessment at 4:00. The court appearance was short. It was to see if he'd get his license back early. Didn't happen. He'll have to wait another month. He wasn't too upset about that. His attorney questioned the arresting officer. I didn't quite understand everything, but it sounds like his attorney might try to get things lowered due to some technicality. I was glad I went to the assessment with him. Turns out he needed to provide the name of a character reference. Since I was there, they were more than overjoyed to be able to talk to me too. She took us each in individually. She asked me if I thought that his drinking was a problem. I said yes. I told her that he's not one that drinks every night. At times he can have one or two if we go out. However, a lot of times, if he does go out or we're at a party/function, he can't just have one or two....he has to go all the way. I told her that I couldn't lie to her and tell her that it's never affected our relationship and I gave her some examples. She told me that in her position, she doesn't see him as an "alcoholic", but someone who does abuse alcohol when they use it. She said that there are 2 levels of classes that she can recommend before counseling (treatment center). She doesn't feel that he needs a treatment center, but has recommended that he go to the 2nd level of classes. She said that the second level class addresses not only the affect of alcohol on your body & functionality, but also your personal life and your family. She said that she hopes he gets something from that. Boy, was my H nervous that I went in. He didn't say anything, but you could see it on his face.

The rest of the night was pretty quiet. We're still recovering from all the travel lately and just rested last night.

D4 had computers again yesterday at school. She was so excited because she said the teacher asked her to help a couple of the other kids. We've worked with her a lot on the computer so she's a pretty smart little one when it comes to that.

Well, another busy day at work. I'll be on later.

Have a great day!

-SueS

[Rob1231]

Hi Sue, I think cautious is understandable, and a good idea.

Having said that, I'm very glad to hear things are moving in the right direction for you and your family.

Remember all of the good things you did that got you to this point, and keep doing them!

[karen43]

She told me that in her position, she doesn't see him as an "alcoholic", but someone who does abuse alcohol when they use it. She said that there are 2 levels of classes that she can recommend before counseling (treatment center). She doesn't feel that he needs a treatment center, but has recommended that he go to the 2nd level of classes.
-SueS

Glad to hear you are doing well, Sue!!! So good you were truthful; I'm sure so many people would have a hard time doing that, but the right thing to do of course.

Do you agree with her saying H is not an alcoholic (in her opinion)? I hate to say it but I think she's wrong. Half of my family are alcoholics, sober now, but once like your H. They always say, and I've read elsewhere that if alcohol is causing problems for you: legal, financial, personal relationships, or job problems then you would be considered alcoholic. I think your H would qualify. The sober alcoholics that I have in my family either went to treatment center or AA to finally get help that worked. I don't know that a class might help other than maybe help clue him into the fact that he is an alcoholic and needs that kind of help maybe? Karen

[Yoyowife]

Hi Sue,
I think proceeding with caution is a good idea. I think you are handling everything well. It sounds like the lines of communication are open, a very good thing!

Sounds like your DD could be the next Bill Gates!

Hugs, Yoyo

[Sara]

Sue,

I hope your husband isn't angry with you that you were honest with the judge. Sounds like she is being lenient now, but if he gets picked up again she will be stricter. I'm glad things are going well.

[SweetRedd]

Hi Sue,

Good to hear from you! I think you're taking the right approach to your H with being cautious right now. You both have a lot to work through and that's gonna take some time. He's made a verbal commitment to work on the M and not contact OW? Please say, yes

I'm so glad that he's going to be getting some counseling for his drinking. Have you thought about attending Al Anon as well? I agree with Karen's post about Alcoholism because your H uses it as a form of escape and has set out to get drunk to escape life. If he was just having a good time and binging every once in awhile because he couldn't stop, I'd agree more with the person you talked to, but it sounded like he was drinking some days out of every week for awhile. Anyway.. that's a technicality. As long as no one is downplaying his problem and he understands he needs help, that's great!

Hang in there and take care of yourself!

Sheila

[Startingover2]

Wow. I am happy for you Sue. I really hope he is for real and has committed to working on your M and getting rid of OW. Sadly, when I thought my H was doing that he really wasn't. He was keeping contact with OW and trying to hide it. Hopefully your H is a little more grown up than mine.

Great job on the alcohol assesment. Those are tough things to do, but you were honest and maybe it will get him some help.

Good luck to you!!

[SueS]

Good morning-

It's been pretty quiet around home. Nothing too exciting. Not sure if I mentioned it, but my FIL is out of the hospital. He'll have to go back for some tests on his heart, but he's feeling better.

H has been kind of up and down. Not angry, just talkative, then quiet. I asked him the other night what he had told OW about us trying to work things out. He said that he hadn't told her much and that he hasn't talked to her in "quite a while". I'm not so ready to believe that, as I know it's not easy to just give that up, although I had noticed contact between them (at least from my perspective) had slowed quite a bit. H actually started talking to me about wanting to buy a house for us. He sent me several listings to look at and wanted to know if I liked any of them. I told him that this weekend we should sit down and make a list of the things that we want & want to do in the future....some goals to make things work this time. It's something we've never really done. He agreed that it was a good idea. And, I got the first ILY that I've gotten in months. Neither one of us has put our rings back on. I mentioned to him that I'd almost like to start new.....new rings....a new chapter. It's like our old rings have too much negative thoughts attached. Maybe that sounds silly, but I just have a hard time thinking about putting on old one back on.

Starting....your comment about hoping that my H is for real and isn't still involved with OW goes through my mind a lot. I think about that too. Is this for real? Is he just playing me and doing a really great job at it? I love him and want to make this work but I'm scared to death at the same time. I'm strong enough now that I can get through it if it all falls apart. I know I can. I just would rather have my family together. I know I'm not ready to leave this forum though.

Not much set up for the weekend. H and I were originally planning on getting a babysitter and doing dinner/movie. We've been on the run so much lately though that we decided we'd just relax instead. Our place is a mess and things still need to be hung up, put away...etc. I did what felt like a month's worth of laundry last night too. AAAHHH! I decided that I don't really like laundry all that much :).

Have a great day/weekend everyone.

...Sheila..I'll email you soon.

-SueS

[saffie]

Sue,

I am pleased that things are beginning to settle for you.

I just wanted to clarify....has your H actually said he is working on the M and staying with you? That he is no longer going to have contact with OW?

If so I think that is great.

I feel quite cautious about this though I must say - but having said that I don't know your H and so perhaps I am being unfair. I just hope he is not turning back homewards for the wrong reasons, (like he is feeling wounded and hurt and kicked by life....and he didn't like sleeping in his car), and that he is doing this because he has realised just how fantastic you are and how lucky he is to have you in his life.

[kat727]

Hey Sue, How is it going? Hope you are good.

kat