O.k. last night my H told me he was gonna come over. When we talked he said he would be there in 45 min. He ended up being about 1 hour and a half instead. He came over about 8:30ish at night. So I ate dinner with out him. He said he was at the pub. He later told me that he got out of work at 4:30ish so he was there that whole time (about 4 hours).
It drives me nuts sometimes that I dont see him until 8 or 9 at night most weeknights. I never know where he is or what he's doing in between work and when I see him. Most often he tells me he was at one of the bars.
I guess I am just feeling down that I am never enough for him. He needs to have all this time away from me while I sit at home and wonder about him. I feel like he has made progress since he is not out all night, but he is still going out a lot before he comes to end the night with me.
I live my life so alone feeling. Even when we are supposed to have plans for the night, he ends up pushing me off until way later in the evening so he can still get his dose of his buddies and beer before he comes over.
Last night, I was hurt that he was late again. He asked me if I was mad, and I said no but I could tell that he knew I was in a funk. I am not mad that he wants to see his buds but, I am his wife and I should take priority over them when really I am the one that gets shoved to the back burner over and over. I am feeling really hurt today.
I decided to be loving when I woke up and said goodbye to him before work today. But I also said to him that I am going to trivia with my friends tonight. I am sick of trying to plan my night around him and then he ends up being so late that my evening gets ruined. I am going to start acting like I dont care if I see him nightly or not, I will not call or text him unless if he does first. I will be busy GAL and he can try to base his night around me.
MY H also told me last night that he mentioned to his favorite bar owner to start a pitch league. So now he asked me to do that with him. Gosh,we are at the bars almost nightly already and now we have another reason for him to want to be there on a night he doesnt usually go.
I am so worried. Some days I feel so good about the way we are healing, but then on other days I feel like my life is not complete. I have a H, but he is often not around for the daily things like making and eating dinner, bill paying, grocery shopping, relaxing and watching t.v., walking the dog together, ect. Instead he is at the bar and overly indulged in friends of his.
Also, another thing is that the other night there was this girl at his gig that was talking to him about Volunteer fire fighting. She was not a threat to me, but she did offer to buy my H a beer. And he said sure. I was about 10 feet away. It jsut urkes me that when a guy asks me if I want a drink, I usually say thanks but no thanks because I am married. He doesnt even think about things like that.
My H says often to his friends when the topic of marriage is brought up, that he thinks it is a bad institution. It crushes me. He actually says he thinks marriage should be a yearly contract. It makes me feel sick.
I dont know why I am so down today. I am really worried about our future. I am just venting, I dont want to give up. He was really loving to me last night and our time together is pleasent. But it is all the time he is out with out me that bugs me. We have had a lot of progress, but he still acts like he doesnt want to move in together.
The other night I told an acquaintance that we were still living apart after 5 months of peicing and that person looked at me like I had two heads. They just couldnt understand why we are still living apart and I said it is just because he really still wants his freedom. They looked at me like "you poor girl how are you dealing with this".
