[i] In light of my wife's deep depression and her habit of blaming it on me,I am considering a letter that is modeled on an example of a spouses response to his wife's depression after a car accident from KLA.
That particular H found that encouraging his W to do the things that would help her get better was backfireing so he took an opposite tact. He told her he realized he was expecting too much and that he needed to adjust his expectations to accept that she would remain physically limited and incapable of living the type of lifestyle they had before the accident. This had the effect of causing the W to actually do the things her doctor told her would make her better and her whole PMA changed.
Here is a rough draft. Please feel free to comment: [i]
I have been giving our situation a lot of thought and after quite a lot of consideration, I realize that for years now I have expected too much from you.
In light of your poor health, depression and other issues, I now realize that I was really off-base in expecting or hoping that you would be able to weather the demands of a family and marriage, much less learn new ways of healthy interaction that would rebuild our relationship.
The real miracle is that you were able to give yourself so completely to your job, friends, student-workers and strangers in spite of your unhappiness.
Though I wasn't the perfect husband and I faced a steep learning curve that I was unprepared for, I also realize that no matter what I have learned recently (perhaps had I even learned it way back when) or how much I am able to change will ever be enough for you, as I cannot go back into the past and undo my hurtful words or actions. I can only apologise and learn from it.
It is unfortunate, but I expect that all the insights I have gained from this may never be applied towards the repair of our marriage.
Though I know God forgives me, I don't expect or require you to. As for me, I needed to learn a lot to have ben able to be what you needed in a partner. But I know this situation has worked good in my life, better preparing me to have successfull, mutually fulfilling relationships in the future.
I'm sorry that you feel I have ruined your life. In spite of my best intentions, I made a number of mistakes. But considering your life is ruined and may always remain so without much hope of it ever changing, I will adjust my expectations of you and look in other directions for my own needs and happiness.
It is very dissapointing that our 9 years together have meant nothing but tragedy for you. I am deeply saddened that I was not able to be the partner you needed, to help you become a happier person.
I hope you find the fulfillment you are looking for and the help you need to weather the stresses of life and overcome your deep sadness.
Philip
Me 47, W 32,D 6, Met 11 yrs. ago, M 7 Bomb 4/08/08, Sep. 8/10/08, Div. 8/10/09
