Welll heck! My thread closed before I could close it. Go figure.
Since he left, many folks have commented, "Well you knew he was like that." when I'd refer to some of the less savory things he's done. Others say, "Now you're seeing what he's like to the rest of the world."
At his core he's a protector making the person he's involved with feel very safe. The years I've been with him I've only thought the best of him and known that he always looked out for me. I believed whatever he said.
Today I realized I've lived in the eye of the hurricane. I knew the inner him, not the force that moves without. It's very strange to see the side of him most people know. Ahhh.. but I babble.
The BIG news is... I finally put in the final papers to volunteer at the hospital. I lucked into a Reiki training program which is this Thursday. I'm looking forward to that and perhaps being involved in writing people's life stories.
Funny how people only tell us this stuff after the fact. For me it was very hard to hear, but it is what it is. Sometimes I think we see them as we choose to. I wonder now how much of ex was what I wanted him to be and how much of it was because it was who he wanted to be. I don't want to believe that it was a game for him. I have to know in my heart, that for a period of time anyway, he was a good husband and father. Far be it from me to rewrite history. That was done for me!
Hi Gypsy - I like the Hurricane analogy - watch out for flying debris and the storm surge. Have a fun time in volunteering! As long as you have something to look forward to each day, it makes the process much easier.
Beth-- I have been thinking and reading about that, too.
I read that, in our 20's, our Rs serve as "I'll be good and take care of you, you be good and take care of me." We are trying to be what the other person needs.
The next stage of life (which women hit first, like other social development) is when you start to look at yourself and try to meet your own needs. You realize that another person can't "complete" you or make you happy, so you set about learning how to do that for yourself.
I think that is what happened in my M. I got to that stage first. Having raised my kids to being more self-sufficient, and caring for my mother through her sickness and death, I was ready to reinvest in myself. I started to focus more on my career, a dream job that I have wanted to do since grade school. I got involved in scouts again, something that I had always loved (and where I had met x, actually).
I just didn't realize that he was still in the "I'll be good so you will take care of me" stage.
So, he felt lower on my priority list. Not taken care of or respected. Taken advantage of. My world had expanded. His hadn't.
And the skank was right there to say, "Oh, you poor baby--I can't believe that she treats you that way and doesn't pay attention to you. I would take care of you..." Lots of attention, gifts, emails and texts....
well, you get the idea. The biggest problem was that he never told me how he was feeling. I was happy, I was taking care of my happiness. He saw it as selfish. I never saw his discontent, especially since she had been waiting in the wings with her tongue out, and practically told him that he should be treated better before he even formed the idea in his own head (now, that is a complete guess on my part, but I'm not sure that I'm that far off--NO ONE saw any signs of him being unhappy in the marriage, and I would think someone would have either seen it or got wind of it).
So, he was trying to "be good" and didn't feel like he was getting the return he wanted. He threw that right out the window. A few people have told me that he has become like the most selfish adolescent they have ever met, only thinking of himself and no one else around him. Not listening to anything anyone has to say about it. With him no longer having to "be good," to play the part, maybe this is the real him? He said that he was pretending for a very long time. Maybe he did go into the next stage, and feels that this is the only way for him to find his own happiness? I don't know, and it really doesn't matter at this point.
Lemon drops are a fine candy.. especially with that light dusting of sugar.
When we got married it was with the intent to be together a lifetime. (Oh my goodness, I'm listening to my daughter sing.. what an amazing difference in her voice in just a few weeks.. it's so lovely). Donna.. what you wrote is very interesting, too along with the "Let go or be dragged."
Now I'm all distracted!
I'm working on sending him 'blessings' when I get all annoyed and angry. The less I have to do with him the better.
Hope everything is going well. I'm looking forward to learning about it though my children flatly refuse to be test subjects. Maybe it will help the dog!
I'm looking forward to it. Thanks for the good thoughts.
I have often thought that although my stbxH IS a good person, I got to see the worst side of him. The rest of world never met the man who knew NOTHING about life till I met him. And I mean that. He knew nothing about paying bills, grocery shopping, paperwork, taxes, things around the house, you name it he had no clue about it!! LOL!! Honestly. Imagine when he left me he called me to tell him how much money he made (salary, not a business man, every month it is the same), to tell his lawyer to make me the offer about the CS ( I should have said more than he really makes, he would still not know the truth)..
So, when we separated, everybody pointed their guns to me blaming me for being SOOOO "difficult" and always pushing him to take a step (regarding work, investments, vacation, anything). And I believed them, I believed him.
A year later I have realised that people saw how "weak" he is by the way he handled the end of our M and our kids. A year later, people that talk to him, come and apologise for accusing me in the beginning. Thank God I dont need their apologies to feel good about myself anymore.
Now why did I say all that? Probably because I feel safe here that you would understand.
You can get cute decals to put on her nails to make them even MORE special! You can get them at just about any grocery store, Wal-Mart or Walgreen type stores.
I think at one point I was like one of those cowboys dragged along the ground holding on as tight as I could to a runaway horse. Ouch.
