Last night my kids were crying in the car coming back from some shopping. They miss their dad. I know sometimes I trigger things like that and others they just let it out suddendly.
My D insists that I am to blame because I dont love her dad, that no other man is allowed in my life and that her dad "only wanted a break from me". My S is always correcting himself "ever since dad left us, sorry I mean left you, he never abandoned US". It's result of the talk about how their dad never left them. He seems to realise that his dad loves them but cant be with me. In the end he just said "I still cant understand how this happened to us, we were such a nice family...".
I got sad again. We were a nice family. At least that is what I thought.
Later stbxH called right in the middle of me fighting with my D about her homework (she had to write her name 5 times!!!). He asked if he should "talk to her". I was upset. For a moment I thought how great he has everything settled. He gets to be free, with no resposnibilities, no "obstacles" for the life ahead of him, cover his emotional needs by seeing the kids every other weekend, covering his "responsibilities" by giving money and... being away to live anyway he feels like it. I am a babysiiter and a housekeeper. And if it was his choice I would be his laundry lady and his meals' provider...ohhh and teh car/driver girl!!!
I never said I could handle 2 kids on my own. I would probably reconsider having them if I knew this would be the end result. Dont get me wrong, I know my kids are a gift an dmy world, but honestly I had not planned to be in this state right now and that makes me a bit insecure. I will be fine and probably will create a great life for them/with them. But I will have to try twice as hard and always wonder if I did a good job.And I will have to "sacrifice" my life for them. Driving back with bags of groceries etc. I wished there was someone home waiting for us to help me get the stuff upstairs, someone to make me a coffee, get for me my favourite souvlakia. Or just be there smiling to me when I got home...
I chose not to tell him anything about the kids. Their school is my "work", I will deal with it. Today he called and wanted to know why I sounded ..."like that" on the phone. I told him everything is fine and under control. Kept the call VERY short, maybe a a bit longer than 15 secs.
