I'm back after a long absence

[123snap]

So last night I asked H if he was avoiding me, because that is how I was feeling. He said no and said he doesn't want to answer that question every couple days. I said I am asking because I need to feel comfortable, not because I am trying to get on his case. He said he understood, I said it just feels like he isn't talking to me very much, he said he is talking to me when he feels like it and has something to say, this is just general conversation. He suggested we could discuss this stuff with the counselor on Thursday.

I don't know, there are so many things I would like to ask, like how did he completely change his mind in a week, or was he just saying that he wanted to try and reconnect when he really didn't , but I am not sure I want to have that conversation. I think we need to discuss boundaries and expectations, so that we both know where the other is coming from and then can decide if we can continue the current arrangement. I am having a really hard time knowing what to do. Part of me is still hanging on, not ready, but part of me is tired too. I am very confused, I feel very alone and lost, I wish my "friend" who has been with me for nearly 20 years could be there for me to help, but obviously he wants no part of me.

sigh