is it really true?

[stella_k]

Thanks, (((SMW))),

I am!

Well, most of the time !

[stella_k]

ok, I have something to report.

Last week I was calling one couple (very good friends) to invite them over to the party.

They were out of town and found my message when they returned. They've never heard about H and me, so, naturally, they're calling H on his cell, asking him about his trip, and D17 and me. He tells them: Stella is in the studio apt right now and I'm here (the other apt) and "WE" had a nice trip and all is fine. He never told them ANYTHING! So it happened that I've called them within 10 min. Needless to say, I'm telling them everything . They're shocked.

Was she standing next to him and he felt uncomfortable talking to them? Did she start making scenes already? Doesn't sound like a "soul mate" to me. ok, that was ASS-U-Meing

Still, I find it strange. When I was keeping silent about our sitch, he was telling everybody. Now that it's oficial and I'm telling everybody, H all of a sudden feels shy...

[One Day]

((((Stellitsa-mou)))))

I don't know what to say, apart from that H is confused. WTF is he thinking?!! Interesting, though, that now you're opening up about it he's closing things down. If you move away (figuritively), I wonder if he'll move back towards you. Worth a go?

L. xx

[No Longer BH]

Ok, I just want to put my 0.02 worth in. I have noticed even in my sitch where my STBXH is ADAMENT about wanting the D, when I pull away and completely detach he starts to peek his head back in. You have been a part of his life for awhile, it is something for him to get used to not having you around. Does that mean he is ready to come running home? No, I think it is their way of slowly cutting the bonds OR testing the waters. Too many times I have read that the LBS remaned very friendly with the WAS. The WAS would show many signs but never take the final leap to R. Personally, I just could not hold on any longer. I let go, completely and for real. I am no longer his security blanket if/when things fail on the OW front. He knows where I am and can find me if he ever gets his head back on straight.

I am saying this to you Stella because I dont want you to keep holding on, waiting and getting your heart hurt. I might just be projecting and if I am, thank you for allowing me to vent and disregaurd everything I have said. If I am not then let him go. Get yourself that wonderful life you so deserve. He will come to you if he gets his head out of his @ss and you may no longer want him.

You are doing great with all of the pain and false R. I just dont want to see you backslide, it is so painful. Hope I was not too harsh. Just want to see you happy because you so deserve it!

[W2G]

Hi Stella,

Just checking in on you and once again I am amazed at how good you sound. There are going to be some tougher times then others so I'm not surprised that you're not feeling as good as you were last week.. but I do hope this week, with all of you GAL activities, you will feel start feeling great.

I am thankful to hear that it was a system glitch and a wrong number instead of your H closing his email and changing his cell phone number.

I've read many, many times that the OW is not a reflection of you.. so you should not think she offers more than you do. Supposedly most WAS choose someone less than the LBS... to help them feel better about themselves... your H will out grow the spider once he starts getting his head on straight.

Hugs,
W2G

[No Longer BH]

Dont know if you have seen this or not but it may help. I re read it every so often to help with my down days:

Wayward Spouses ALWAYS affair down. They NEED someone beneath them, who will admire them and give them feigned respect. Your husband is not seeking out the younger, better looking woman, he is taking whatever opportunity presents itself and meets his needs for sex, admiration, and boosts his self-esteem. SHE IS NOT SPECIAL. If she happens to be younger and pretty that is just the luck of the draw and a RARITY...most of the time it IS NOT the case. After reading here you will discover that the OW could have been anyone and your husband's choice of OW was not in any way an indication or indictment of you as a beautiful, attractive, desirable, intelligent, mature, moral, loyal, spiritual woman, wife and mother. OW is, I guarantee, no match for you.

Think of it this way, your husband is behaving low and dirty. Thus it necessarily takes a pretty low class woman to admire him at this point ... DO NOT allow this trash to rock your self confidence. You may or may not have let yourself go...but you can get it back and be the classy, beautiful, respectful, upstanding, Grade A woman you always were whereas the Other Woman WILL ALWAYS remain trash."

[stella_k]

(((Lisa, BH, W2G))), hi and thanks!

BH, no, you're not too harsh!

I know, I sound like I'm about to backslide. Believe me, I won't.

Sadly, my friends make it more difficult for me to let go. I've got to listen to everybody and nearly EVERYTHING they say makes me wince inwardly at the pain. They mean well, of course, but they recall things I'm trying so hard to forget. We were always very social and our friends always referred to us as "soul mates" and " THE couple" and when they start brooding over the past I'm hurting over and over again. They take turns meeting up with H, thinking they can "make him see the light" and then tell me about these meetings more than I want/need to hear. One after another they lose hope, seeing that H is adamant in what he's doing. ARRRGH!

Up until now I was only "talking" about my sitch here, on board. Having these convos in real life is something I didn't have to face yet. Honestly, it was easier abroad, where we didn't have many friends and not much of a history together.

Oh well, that will pass too.

BTW, H has stopped his phone calls altogether. I guess, again it was his idea of being nice and, yes, slowly cutting the bonds.

I have dropped the rope for real and I'm not going to contact H, no matter what, and I know that he will have to face the "Spider reality" sooner or later. It's just that at the moment GALing makes it harder for me...

Just a bit of a blue mood :).

(((Hugs))) to all.

[Forrest Gump]

"Sadly, my friends make it more difficult for me to let go. I've got to listen to everybody and nearly EVERYTHING they say makes me wince inwardly at the pain. They mean well, of course, but they recall things I'm trying so hard to forget."

I know this sounds weird.. but don't try and forget where you came from. It is important to remember the things that shape who you are as a person. It helps to be able to look back and "re-evaluate" (sp?). There is a post over in Newcomers that SG the Mod started. The title is "What you resist Will Persist." There is really not much in the post.. but the title says it all. Over in Newcomers.. that title has a different meaning.. anywhere else it takes on another meaning. When you are in this "spot" you just can't "see" the things you are learning. You tend to focus on the things that don't need to be focused on. Your friends will focus on the "vibe" they get from you.. people that know you can "read" you. A lot of times the will focus on the wrong thing at the wrong time. Call me crazy.. but they are getting that focus from you.

"I have dropped the rope for real and I'm not going to contact H, no matter what."

The more people say that.. the less I believe them. You can always tell when that are or have dropped the rope.

"I know that he will have to face the "Spider reality" sooner or later."

I told someone else.. knowing is easy. You have to accept it in order to move on.

"It's just that at the moment GALing makes it harder for me..."

This is why I tell people to never underestimate the power of you. The second you take control of your life.. it gets easier. Look at the effect.. his choices are having on you.

The same thought applies to you. The second you doubt it.. they rip the control away.

[Kalni]

Hi Stella,

your H sounds like my xH. Your friends like mine. I had actually asked them not to contact him at all in the beginning to avoid him feeling pressured. When I convinced him I was NOT pushing anymore I allowed who ever wanted to talk to him. Looking back now, I was trying to control them as well... A year later my xH still doesnt tell people who dont know, we are separated and divorcing (hopefully). But my xH wasnt adamant about the divorce. He was all "we will see, time will tell, I dont know what to do, there is no one else...". They come in all shapes and sizes, dont they?

I dont have much advice to give. Just dont expect him to be "reasonable with the process". He will not be. You have a lot more crazy stuff to see. And although I wish in your case is different, in mine, none of the crazy stuff really meant anything.

Drop the rope, completely. Honestly. Just live your life.
Love
K

[No Longer BH]

Stella, this stuff is so hard even for us vets. Trust me, I had some very low moments this weekend after thinking I had dropped the rope as well...(guess FG is too wise for his own good). You are still doing great and dont give spider any of your energy. Easier said than done but she does not deserve it. As for your friends, they mean well but set your boundaries with them. They love you and dont want to see you hurt. They dont see that their actions are hurting you also. Tell them so they can back off so it is easier for you to GAL.

Your doing great.