Please help me to not give up............

[grant]

I have not posted for a few days now, as my wife discovered that I had been on this forum. I had not shut down the computer properly, and when she went to use it, this last page was on the screen.

She was very upset and angry about some of the words here, and insisted once again that I was focusing all blame upon her. Of course, I was upset too that she read some of these things, although in truth, I don't think that there is much on here that is removed from my reality.

I tried to explain that there were 7 pages of this, none of which she had read.

I think I have been clear from the outset in my journaling/posting here, that I DO consider myself almost entirely to blame for the breakdown of our marriage. I have even laid those issues out bare, and listed them......... even those things which some would rather omit. Like my issues with sex, pornography,my online A, and my failures in the past to fulfill all of my wife's needs.

I thought I'd been clear that I did not blame my wife for ending our M, and even for her EA. That's not to say that I wanted to accept her A, or liked the fact that it was happening. I have just been trying my best to find strategies to improve and change myself, to find ways to cope with the pain, and to be proactive in any way I can to foster positive change for myself and my family.

I know that many of the kind people here have tried to steer me away from accepting ALL responsibility for the failure of my marriage. It's clear in my posts that I have trouble moving from that mindset.

I'm sure she did not want to see some of the things that PDT had written, or the fact that I was looking for answers to difficult questions.
For sure, she was angry that "strangers" were telling me how she should be behaving.

I told her that if she looked at my whole thread, then she would realise that I did love and respect her, and most certainly wasn't exclusively blaming her EA for the break up.
I am here because I want to change myself and in so doing, my hope is that I might be able to begin a new R with my W. I have reconciled myself to the fact that my old marriage is dead. My W has been hammering that into my skull since the outset.

She does not want to, and will not read anything more here, so I am torn about whether to continue posting on the board.

The irony is, that TwinDad, who had helped me such a great deal with his compassion and insight, recently had to stop posting because his wife had discovered his presence here too.

All that I do know at this point, is that I have gained strength and encouragement by reading people's posts here, and by journalling and sharing my thoughts and situation here. So many people here have responded to me with such kindness and compassion, that I have been truly humbled and aided by their unselfish efforts.

I think that in truth, it really matters little to my wife what I do or say in relation to our marriage. She's clear that we're separated, our M is over, and that all she wants to do now is be friends and to co parent our children in the best way that we can.

I want to do this too, but I don't feel that I am ready to give up hope or faith in some kind of better future ahead for us and our children. I am still of the mind that promoting friendship, with a view to building respect, trust, attraction, and a deeper love, might just change things. One thing is for sure, that I don't know where it will all lead, and it still seems to change day to day.

I do need to learn a lot of new skills....... I need to learn more about me, and how my mind works. I just have to keep working on me, and reminding myself that as long as I know I have done all I could, then I'll be able to move forward and look at myself in the mirror in the morning.........

I am so grateful to all of you, who are taking the time to try to help me here.

Thanks.
Grant.