You are doing things that are making you happy but it would be better with family in tact.
yes, that's right.
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Soooooo how does W know that you are receptive to reconciliation if you are happy ? If you dont talk about R how does she know? Are you waiting for her to make first move ? In her shoes i am not sure I would have the courage. Hopefully you are aware of this and that you encourage any feelers she might put out.
I don't know - I have no direct way of communicating to her. This was a bit of a problem earlier you see. She was hell bent on divorce, and I was very clear that I did not want to divorce. When she filed, I got a call from the attorney (not from her directly). I phoned her and asked her to reconsider. She refused. This was back in November, 10 months ago now. She identified my desire to avoid divorce as "controlling her." So I had to stop suggesting no divorce.
In the meantime, I have been very inactive on the divorce front. Not pushing it in any way. When it is filed, there is an opportunity to file motions and .. you know, push things along. I haven't done so.
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A and D are self indulgent and as a woman your children should always come first, making D a tough decision. Cant imagine where her head is at.
I share your perspective... children should come first.. but... I know where her head is. She is blaming me. She looks at me as the negative force in her life. I have been abusive to her, she believes, and she needs to get herself away from me. And abusive to the kids, too. (Although I don't know how she maintains that belief, since the kids adore me and we always have a blast together and she knows it). So it is blame coupled with victimhood - she cannot succeed, she cannot be happy, with me abusing her and pushing her down. The obvious answer is to get rid of me!
The thing is, she wanted the divorce long long before she came up with this "abuse" justification for it. She felt hopeless, she didn't feel emotion for me anymore, ILYBINILWY, all the standard infidelty and MLC stuff. (This was after the affair was revealed, but it was still (secretly) going on). Only later, still carrying on the affair, and after seeking help from an abused woman's group (on advice of the divorce attorney), did she arrive at the "aha!" moment regarding allegations of abuse.
I take what she says seriously, so I don't dismiss the abuse thing lightly. I admit that I could have been lower key in the house. I admit that I made a mistake in throwing her out of the house when I learned of her affair. But did my behavior rise to the level of a pattern of abuse? I don't think so. She never brought it up once, until *after* she filed for divorce. When I expressed a desire to work on that stuff, she refused.
The reason I dismiss it is because she never asked me to rectify anything. She only used all the crimes in my past, large and small but mostly small, as a justification for her actions - her affair and filing for divorce. If my behavior really was the fundamental issue in the marriage, I would expect her to be angry, but then at some point, I would expect her to respond positively to my offer to work on things. She never did.
I'm not saying my behavior was not an issue at all, I'm not saying I was perfect. I am saying that she never asked me to fix things; she only blamed. She is using my behavior as a retroactive excuse for what she did and is doing.
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I'm glad you are enjoying the book. It has some good insights. I found that it helps to read a bunch of different things. Five Love Languages is another good one. Passionate Marriage is another. There are a bunch of insights in the good ones.
