Another one bites the dust

[No Longer BH]

<Sigh> I need some help. Maybe I just need professional help, I dont know. I was so strong, I saw my path, I knew what needed to happen to make it through the tunnel....and yet I waiver. I hate this. I really do. Trust me it is the fear of the last few days talking, but still I hate this.

Tonight was my fake with my friend from out of town. STBXH told me he would be at the house an hour earlier than normal. I said nothing to this. Just excepted it. He actually showed up at 5:35 instead of the 5pm he said would be here. There was some small talk and then he pulled me aside. Wanted to know why I thought it was ok to bring someone back to the house when I had said that I wanted it in the parenting plan that there would be no unrelated people after S goes to bed. I said it was only for a couple of drinks and that was it. He pressed the issue and started a fight with me. I walked away.

I cooled off and came back to apologise. Told him I did not mean to get angry, that there is alot of hurt there right now do to the circumstances. Said that I was feeling angry because I felt that when we took our vows it meant in sickness and in health and he left me. TOld him I felt that I could be left in a situation where I was going to die alone and that was so unfair. I hoped he never had to expierence the pain and agony that I was going through because NOBODY should ever have to face it alone.

He told me that I just did not understand the sitch and that he left before he knew about my cancer. I said, yes but you know now and still chose to let me do this alone. He said that I was chosing to be alone and that he wanted to be there for me, but just not in the way we had been in the past. He still wanted to be my friend but I was the one keeping him away. I said I would not take a demotion from him, that I was his best friend, his soul mate, his lover, why would I take less. He said that I was an all or nothing kind of person and I said yes. He said he was sorry, he just could not fill that role anymore. I said some other things about how he just gave up and it was not fair. That I would never have respect for his OW because of her lack of morals and he lost my respect as well by having an A. Blah, blah, blah...you know the drill.

Anyway, by the time I left I was crying my eyes out and feeling comletely abandond. He set me an email sying that he was really sorry that he did not mean to ruin my evening, that he really did want me to have fun he was just upset over the double standard that I had placed by asking him not to do what I was getting ready to do.

Half way through the evening I called him up and admitted that I was not really on a date, that it was in fact our friend from out of town taking me out. That I would never bring someone over to the house because it would be horrible if our S saw this person. The only way S would ever meet someone is if they were someone that I felt I was going to marry. He did not understand why I lied but said he just wanted to be on the same page as me as far as dating edicate. He said he wanted to believe it was really our friend but really did not trust that either. He then started to drill me about why I had so many wine glasses used and who was drinking the beer at the house. I told him the truth, some neighbors came over for wine and our friend had some of the beers.

When we got back he was waiting to see if it really was who I said it was. It was ackward because my friend did not want to talk to him. He shook STBXH hand then went to the guess bedroom right away. I told STBXH that friend did not want to be around him anymore and then left the room. STBX packed his stuff, showed me something about S school then left.

I hurt inside so bad because I so want to read something into his actions. I WANT to believe he picked a fight because he really does not want to let go. I WANT to believe that he keeps saying that he wants to be my close friend because he cant stand the thought of losing me. I WANT to believe that he way drilling me about the wine glasses because he needs to hear that it was not someone else here. The reality is it does not matter. He keeps telling me over and over that any feelings for me are dead. I am so scared right now. I am so alone right now. I just dont want that to be true but I need to find a way to just accept that. I was doing great until yesterday. I had let go...mostly. Now I am falling and wanting him to catch me. This is so unfair! But that is just the way life is and I have to find a way to deal with it.

Here is my delima and I know it is coming from a very weak place right now. Do I take him up on his offer to become his friend in hopes of winning his love back or to I just cut him off completely so that I can move on with my life and hopefully heal from the pain I am in? I am sorry that I am not being very strong right now, things have just been extremely tough lately. I think most of it is coming from fear of what next weeks results will be, but still I just wish I had someone to help hold me up at times.

SOmeone, please, please give me some help and advice. I feel like I drowning at the moment.