WAW: Watching & Waiting

[Forrest Gump]

I just want to point out something.. I am not sure.. about pointing it out. But.. it will clear things up for me.

I said this...

You will have to deal with it tonight.

Because I knew I was not gonna use the Quote boxes.

I got this in response..

to some extent.. there was a lot of hurt in the car ride home. I got the impression, he didn't think I would tell the C the things I did. I got the impression he wanted to justify and argue with the C's commentary about his actions of blaming and mostly of his anger. He had a lot of internal struggling going on. I kept trying to validate & understand from his perspective. I was pretty drained after the 2 hour car ride home & told him I needed space to regroup & re-energize. I got blamed him hurting because I left again.

So lets look at this a sec...

Lot of hurt.. K.. got that.

When you say I got the impression.. it makes me think.. you caught him off guard.

I don't discount your thought.. I have been sitting in the seat with the uncomfortable ride.. many times. I see both sides.. nobody is wrong yet.

Then you say justify.. and argue with C's comments about his "actions".

Then you define his actions.. Blaming, Anger, Internal Struggle.

The ride home was "uncomfortable" because the C was "More of the Same" for him.

You can't put someone in a situation where they feel "attacked" and not expect them to react the same way.

Let me say this.. The teacher is not reaching the student.

You gotta know that there is always one student.. that just does not get it. Maybe they need a new teacher. Maybe they need the teacher to reach out some. Maybe they are hopeless. The teacher has to figure it out..

You are not the teacher here. You can't be. The student will not listen to the teacher.

If I need to say it I will.. Find a "different" C for him and you together.

From what I am reading.. I know what he is feeling. I see it in the reaction you are writing about.

Yes.. past experience with H (as recently as last week) leaves me to believe that when his voice is intense, his words get nasty & he is judgemental he will be relentless until I am emotionally or mentally hurt.

This is a expected response. It relates to the effort to control things. When thing are out of control.. you use the tools you have to "grab" control. Two things that you can do to "grab" control would be... Overwhelm or Entertain.

Now being a man.. fighting a woman.. I am going to Overwhelm. I am going to take that "Emotion" and use it against you.

Or

I am gonna say something funny. In saying/doing something funny.. I am gonna have to "control" the situation. Or take it somewhere.

The Go To tool.. is gonna be Overwhelm.

I got $5 on it.

I have a physical reaction... I draw inward, my shoulders hunch forward, my head goes down, my face freezes into my 'poker face', my breaths become shallow, my whole body freezes.. like a hare trying not to be seen by the fox in the meadow.

There is a picture on FB.. of my son. He is hard at work..

Read the caption.

Trust me when I say.. long before you ever get to what you just posted.. that DAM knows where things are going. When he sees the reaction.. he knows he won. It's funny how people that know us.. can make us do the same thing.. over and over.

I am expecting that he will not intentionally frighten/scare/ridicule me if he loves me. I don't think that is an unrealistic expectation.

So the Expectation is what is biting you. My/His definition of Love.. may be way different than yours. I can tell he Loves you.. just because he is going to C. I can tell you Love him.. just because you are posting here.

You love me.. by pulling me close and telling me to undress you.

I am gonna assume.. you Love something different.

Honest to whom? Honest implies 'truth'.. there are several truths & perspectives. If they are 'honest' to him, I don't want to be with a man who believes those things about me. That is not who I am.

I don't know... I can be Honest with you.. and never tell you the Truth.

Lets see....

Bridgestone... I can't believe how strong of a woman you are. I feel the pain you write about. I wish I could help you figure this all out.

Bridgestone.. I have NFC what to say.

The Truth and the Honesty.. lies it what you really believe.

Tell me.. which one of those statements.. is honest.

Which one is the truth?

Or...

Could there be something else?

C asked the same thing... told me I was to monitor his intensity and tell him when it was getting too much for me to handle. It has worked a couple times.. other times I get to it too late & he blows up. And again.. it becomes my responsibilty to monitor his feelings & my fault if he blows, becasue I didn't see it soon enough.

I hear the C agree with me alot.

It worked. Then it did not. Focus on why it worked.

You are not at fault.

If you see it coming.. and don't react.. then you are 50% responsible. Strive to make it all his fault. Never point it out. You let him figure that one out.

That creates this cycle... he blows up, reflects (takes 2 days to 2 weeks), falls into the woe-is-me pool & apologizing every other second (another 2 days to a week), I am compassionate & understand we all make mistakes, forgive him.. things are neutral (2 minutes to 2 days)...intensity builds (2 minutes to 2 days). back to blow up.

Look at what you just wrote. Think about it. Tell me where you continued the cycle.

Now make a list of thing you could do to stop the cycle.

The balance always shifts.

I want you to think from the heart.. and your mind. I want you to label what is what. Don't let me down on this. I expect you will. Surprise me.

at some point the lifeguard goes off duty & someone else takes their place... either the coast guard, the head life guard.. someone.

The Lifeguard on the beach is not a pure example. If you take away the time limits.. it could be. The question becomes.. do you want the person that has been on the job for "5" years to save you? Or do you think you can swim better?

the other thing is if you are in the water with them... they pull you under. Try to climb out, by climbing on top of you... end result.. you both need saving or you both drown.

See.. this is where thing go wrong. One of the first things they teach you in Life guarding.. is what to do with someone attacking you. Lets just say.. I dragged the best swimmer at my pool to the bottom of the 12 ft well. I was the only one who came up relaxed. I knew he was gonna attack me. He did not know I was gonna make him fight for it. He had to take a break. Even more so.. I had to help him out of the pool. The second I hit the water.. I knew where I was going.

"Drowning.. yep.. that was how I described how I felt in my M. before I left."

Don't let him pull you down. Fight for what you know. Sometimes you become the "Lifeguard".

Now..