ponderings

[sage]

LL --

Looks like you're getting lots of great support and advice! Cool! Even have JJ chiming in, huh?

now let's back track and recall how ow friendship was disclosed to me...h stopped work when she called to take her to a pre scheduled doctors appointment...h called to say hello...I let him know that I have to find someone to help me with the appointment...he tells me to call our occassional sitter, or my cousin, or someone...never once bothers to say anything resembling "I'll see what I can do with my schedule" then proceeds to be a jerk about things when he can sense that I'm obviously aggrivated by it. eventually just plain hangs up on me.

So....I know you've been in a sad spot for a few weeks now but this seems like a big trigger for yesterday, no? I'm interpreting here but the concept that h was willing and eager to do something for ow that he seems unwilling and unable to do for you????

I have to say that I was surprised to see your response to Brian where you talked about finding the stuff at h's office....

My 2 cents...tell me to pound sand if you want...but seems like you haven't been able to move to a more comfortable place re. the affair...true?

I think it can be two steps forward, one step back but I don't think you'll really heal (and m will heal) until you can find some peace around this...maybe I'm overstating...I don't know.

IT'S NOT! I didn't deserve any of what h did and I'm tired of taking responsibility for it!!

You didn't deserve what h did...none of us did (no matter how "bad" we may have been in hindsight). Are you taking responsibility for it? Yikes. Stop!

In another post you mention that DB'ing wasn't going to work for you...'cause you hadn't been selfish or withdrawn or .... like other BSes.

Well...DB'ing has certainly helped me identify and "fix" some behaviors that could have contributed to the uncomfortableness of my m.....

BUT, to me, DB'ing is also about identifying behaviors and patterns that aren't working...not because they're "bad" or negative ... but because they're just not getting you what you want. I DO think that DB'ing applies beautifully in that case to your sitch...there's a handful of things ... (intimacy, general time together, etc) that you're unhappy about in your m. and I'm feeling (and have felt in the past) that putting some DB techniques in place might help resolve or at least "better" some of those things....

Lastly...I KNOW you're angry and tired and done...it REALLY seemed as though you were doing "better" when you were listing positives....I know it's a cyclic thing...the positives are easier to see when you're feeling good and when you're not feeling good who wants to look for 'em and list 'em? BUT, can you look through your irritation and hurt to find some things?

I think I read something about flowers and ice cream and "storm warnings". These don't cancel out what you feel as though you didn't get....not saying that AT ALL. But, they're worth mentioning.

Sage