Help, it seems my 35 year old wife is in MLC #12

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Not by 'punishing her' but by allowing her to learn.

And that is so painful for us. Because we 'know what to do'. We 'know how to fix it'. But we shouldn't.

Why? Because they don't know. And we can't tell them. It has to be learned or it won't 'stick'. We must keep a comfortable distance.

It sucks to be us because we just want to fix it. We know HW to 'fix it'. Instead we must lovingly let them fail, so they can succeed.

This is exactly where W is headed now. When I had my financial problems I caused some of it through action and inaction but some of it happened on it's own out of pure dumb luck.

I tried to explain this to W at the time but she looked at me like I had destroyed her life. She even said to me "I'm 34 years old and I have nothing" This reaction was an over exageration, but it was how she felt.

At that point our marriage was in crisis. I didn't want to see it. She had lost faith in me, my confidence was shattered, I was paranoid and it turned me in to a big wuss.

However, that whole experience taught me a lot that I could not have learned by not going through it. It changed me and it changed my views of everthing. But it was too late for my M. No matter how much I tried to explain to my W that what had happened would not happen again, all she saw was impending failure again by my hand.

Fast forward to about 2 years later. She has now lost her job. She just bought a house with OW which she will likely have to sell if she doesn't find a really good job, which is not likely in this economy. She can't afford a car. She has given up being a mother 50% of the time. She has walked away form her pets which she loved. I cannot comment on the state if her R (A) with OW but all of this is hard on an R.

My point is that she very nearly has nothing and in a worse way than before. Only this time, it is by her own hand. It is by her choices and in my mind, directly related to her leaving. One of the main reasons she left was that she fears a repeat of the past but in leaving she has put herslef in that position herself.

Like you say, I want to step in and fix it, but I can't. I know how. It's not that hard but I don't want to solve her problems. I want her to realize that we are all fallible and that life gets out of our control sometimes. It's also very important to me that I cannot be blamed in any way for what if happening to her now.