WOW Ima!! That's gotta be a major slap in the face wake up call for her. I could only wish it would happen to my W. Sounds kinda cruel but I think a lot of issues would be solved if she didn't work at the bar.
One things for sure be ready cuz I have a feeling she'll confide in you. Yes you can dream just be damn careful my friend.
Gman Me 40 W 30 kids B 11 B 10 D 8 Been here off and on since 06. PA Confirmed Dec 08.. With God, anything is possible. Do or do not there is no try. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six...
It does sound cruel but I think it is one of the steps towards her coming home.
Since it happened, I have talked to her everyday. I think she is getting worried about money. I think she is worried about if she will get another job. The morning after it happened, she sent me an email asking me my opinion on starting an internet company. Then yesterday she said she had been talking to the government unemployment people. She seems to be looking at anything and everything rather than looking at her field. I still think her biggest issue is going to be that whatever she gets, it will be a major pay cut from what she had.
Today she called me and told me that she was sick. I wonder if the panic attacks will come back.
On a different note, D6 starts dance classes tomorrow morning. I think I'm more excited than she is
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Cool Bro!! I hope things go well at dance class!! As for your W its cool to hear she is asking your opinion. To me that says she trusts your opinion.
Gman Me 40 W 30 kids B 11 B 10 D 8 Been here off and on since 06. PA Confirmed Dec 08.. With God, anything is possible. Do or do not there is no try. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six...
You know it's intereesting that you say that because in her mind trust was one of the big problems. After my financial issues she had said that she had trouble trusting me. Her actions do seem to tell a different story. Thanks for pointing that out.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
You know it's intereesting that you say that because in her mind trust was one of the big problems. After my financial issues she had said that she had trouble trusting me. Her actions do seem to tell a different story. Thanks for pointing that out.
Hey no problem
Gman Me 40 W 30 kids B 11 B 10 D 8 Been here off and on since 06. PA Confirmed Dec 08.. With God, anything is possible. Do or do not there is no try. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six...
You know it's interesting that you say that because in her mind trust was one of the big problems. After my financial issues she had said that she had trouble trusting me. Her actions do seem to tell a different story. Thanks for pointing that out.
My W is the same way. Yet when the chips are down they 'know' that of all the people they know, we're the ones that are most trustworthy.
Why?
Because they know we'll love them no matter what. Because other 'friends' are only fair weather friends. We're friends no matter what. No matter what.
They forget that when they are running. My W even said it to me, that "I was her greatest teacher and friend". Yet still they run from the problems.
It's not because of US. Who could be perfect all the time? Who could be the 'Knight in shining armor" all the time? It's because they only saw us as 'strong, fearless, trustworthy'. We weren't perfect. So they ran away. Because they were back to the 'little girl' we met years ago. The one who saw us as their champion.
They haven't grown up. We have, but we also got beat up. Crashed in some way. And we found out that in our relationships we were alone now. We had married someone who NEEDED us. And when we needed them, they were incapable of being there for us. Because they were waiting for us to 'be that white knight'. But we couldn't. First we had to save ourselves. And we did.
Then as their lives get worse and worse they see us, the rock, the stable one.
Even though we were falling apart when they left, they know we're capable, and determined, to be strong. Because we aren't quitters. We are champions.
What they don't realize, and we do realize, is that they were like a drowning person, pulling us down while we were trying to save ourselves, and them.
Once we let them go, we can save ourselves. In turn, we have the strength to save them also. But we shouldn't. It seems 'wrong' to us but we MUST break the cycle.
Because we're propagating the same problems yet again. Trust me, I've been there 3 times with my W. The cycle has to end.
Not by 'punishing her' but by allowing her to learn.
And that is so painful for us. Because we 'know what to do'. We 'know how to fix it'. But we shouldn't.
Why? Because they don't know. And we can't tell them. It has to be learned or it won't 'stick'. We must keep a comfortable distance.
It sucks to be us because we just want to fix it. We know HW to 'fix it'. Instead we must lovingly let them fail, so they can succeed.
So what am I doing? I don't give her grief when she comes around in the mornings. I encourage her coming by and spending time with our D's
I don't treat her like crap. I don't approve of her choices at all, but I do treat her like Jesus would treat any other sinner.
Or like a decent person would treat another decent person.
How will it end? I don't know. What I do know is that it will end as it should. And I'll be a better man for it.
Not by 'punishing her' but by allowing her to learn.
And that is so painful for us. Because we 'know what to do'. We 'know how to fix it'. But we shouldn't.
Why? Because they don't know. And we can't tell them. It has to be learned or it won't 'stick'. We must keep a comfortable distance.
It sucks to be us because we just want to fix it. We know HW to 'fix it'. Instead we must lovingly let them fail, so they can succeed.
This is exactly where W is headed now. When I had my financial problems I caused some of it through action and inaction but some of it happened on it's own out of pure dumb luck.
I tried to explain this to W at the time but she looked at me like I had destroyed her life. She even said to me "I'm 34 years old and I have nothing" This reaction was an over exageration, but it was how she felt.
At that point our marriage was in crisis. I didn't want to see it. She had lost faith in me, my confidence was shattered, I was paranoid and it turned me in to a big wuss.
However, that whole experience taught me a lot that I could not have learned by not going through it. It changed me and it changed my views of everthing. But it was too late for my M. No matter how much I tried to explain to my W that what had happened would not happen again, all she saw was impending failure again by my hand.
Fast forward to about 2 years later. She has now lost her job. She just bought a house with OW which she will likely have to sell if she doesn't find a really good job, which is not likely in this economy. She can't afford a car. She has given up being a mother 50% of the time. She has walked away form her pets which she loved. I cannot comment on the state if her R (A) with OW but all of this is hard on an R.
My point is that she very nearly has nothing and in a worse way than before. Only this time, it is by her own hand. It is by her choices and in my mind, directly related to her leaving. One of the main reasons she left was that she fears a repeat of the past but in leaving she has put herslef in that position herself.
Like you say, I want to step in and fix it, but I can't. I know how. It's not that hard but I don't want to solve her problems. I want her to realize that we are all fallible and that life gets out of our control sometimes. It's also very important to me that I cannot be blamed in any way for what if happening to her now.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
W's situation hit her today. She had been sick and I asked her how she felt today. She said "I feel physically better but I started looking at my expenses today....."
She is in a real mess.
I think she has finally started to realize the stress that she has put herself under with her career. She says that she is thinking about changing careers and may even be interested in driving a delivery van for a living. I think this is an over reaction to the stress she has had to deal with for a few years but I also don't see it as being feasible for her financially.
Her situation is bleak. She has one position in her field to apply for. She has talked to a couple head hunters and they say there is nothing availble right now and she went to a general employment agency and they also told her that getting any job is bleak right now. So she is nervous.
She is doing something that I don't understand. twice now she has inferred adult knowledge and emotions on D6. Months ago, she told me that she told D6 (D5 then) that "she didn't meet OW until a month after she left" this was to imply to D6 that she didn't leave me for OW. Why would you tell a 5 year old this?
Then today she tells me that both the kids were having a bad day. S8 was having a crying fit becasue his sister gets more toys for her birthday than he does (I don't know what that is about. It's not true and her birthday was 10 days ago and his was 10 months ago) W also told me that D6 was in a bad mood too.
W realized that there was something deeper going on than what the kids were saying but she figured that they were upset because they were worried that she had lost her job. S8 barely has the concept of money. There is no way that he understand the concept of job loss and financial crisis. Oddly, when I said this to W, she got really quiet. I got on the phone with S8 and tried to get him to talk to me but he wouldn't open up. I could tell something was bothering him though.
It just occurs to me while typing this that I wonder if W and OW had an argument about Ws situation in front of the kids. It would explain why W was worried about money today and why the kids were upset. It would also explain why W thought they were upset about her job loss. I'm speculating though.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
I went to a parent teacher meeting at the school tonight with W and the kids. It was good. W and I talked a little. mostly about stuff to do with the kids. After we left I walked to W's house with her and the kids. On the way to the house, W was flirting with me a little! But then OW drove by and things got a little awkward. The kids saw her and announced it. It didn't acknowledge it at all. OW would have heard them calling her but she didn't aknowledge it either. She pulled in the driveway and disappeared before we got there. It was definately a let down though. I left them at the end of the driveway, said good night and went back to my car.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Gman Me 40 W 30 kids B 11 B 10 D 8 Been here off and on since 06. PA Confirmed Dec 08.. With God, anything is possible. Do or do not there is no try. Sometimes you have to roll the hard six...
