Brian has some very wise things to say there. I know that CJ also said that he absolutely communicated his dissatisfactions with me...but I sure as hell didn't hear them as anything BUT minor dissatisfactions!!! Certainly not bomb-worthy stuff!!
But I also know that YOU HAVE laid it on the line for your H many times.
I think if you do as you've planned (and DO be careful of the attention of others, lest you repeat your H's pattern ), your H MAY just wake up at last.
Are you planning to tell him in any way? Or just start ignoring him?
Oh geez, I wish the guy had a clue and you didn't feel this fed up, but I AM curious as to how he's going to respond!
Went back through your posts to try to see when this downhill slide started. You had a lot of very positive posts in late June. Early July seemed to get more negative, but some positive ones as late as mid-July. Since then worse and worse. I didn't notice any particular triggers, just general crappiness from your H, but was there anything in particular that has spurred this?
Here's a question. How much of all of the problems would seem so much less consequential if your sex life were good? You rant about many things, but how much would be solved if that single area was improved? Please understand, I am in no way minimizing your complaints. But I think your perspective might be much different if you had the satisfaction, intimacy, and love that a good sex life might provide. Other problems would seem so much smaller, and your life would feel so much richer. What do you think? Am I oversimplifying too much here?
My perspective is radically different when that part of my M is going well, as compared to when it's not. I wish it weren't so, that I could keep a more even keel regardless. But it is, and I wonder if it's that way for you too.
I don't recall all of what I'm sure is a long list of things you've done to try to improve this area of your M. I'm sure you've tried to get him to read Michele's book. Has he reacted positively to anything? Is he willing to work on the problem?
Quote: Is there someone else...or the spectre of someone else? Perhaps a muscular fireman in your class?
what exactly are you implying?? there are someone else's everywhere I go...men are attractive...find me attractive..sometimes it's hidden well and sometimes it's not...matters not...has little to do with what's going on here other than perhaps the fact that if h weren't here treating me like I was his mother or sister I could take advantage of such spectre. Or more significantly if h weren't treating me like a mother or sister I wouldn't notice other men as much as I do.
Quote: It's the difference between "being" in an R, and "participating" in an R. Our Ses are the former and we're the later.
exactly!! h "participates" in the r when it's convenient to him (or at least that is the way it seems to me) and I at least try to participate or am willing to participate with more regularity. In other words I put the r first and he seems to put his business, then himself then the kids then the weather, then football, the lawn etc first...where do I fit in? should we just get a maid and a nanny and get rid of me?
thanks brian...I appreciate your thoughts and inquiry,
Quote: Went back through your posts to try to see when this downhill slide started. You had a lot of very positive posts in late June. Early July seemed to get more negative, but some positive ones as late as mid-July. Since then worse and worse. I didn't notice any particular triggers, just general crappiness from your H, but was there anything in particular that has spurred this?
back at the end of may was when I took off one night with h's keys and went to his office to find locked up in a safe, cards and pics and a piece of jewelry from ow...h never really addressed it..claims to have just thrown them away...other than that I don't really know what has happend.
Quote: Here's a question. How much of all of the problems would seem so much less consequential if your sex life were good? You rant about many things, but how much would be solved if that single area was improved? Please understand, I am in no way minimizing your complaints. But I think your perspective might be much different if you had the satisfaction, intimacy, and love that a good sex life might provide. Other problems would seem so much smaller, and your life would feel so much richer. What do you think? Am I oversimplifying too much here?
BINGO!!! this has been the crux of many problems round here for years and h has been told so much...he must just have thick cranium because he doesn't get it...no wait a minute I don't get it! hardi har har. but you see the problem eventually reaches such a state that what would be the original "solution" becomes more of a problem...h waits too long...and then to me it is not seen or felt as something loving and intimate and connecting it as seen as he's just finally horny and I'm here.
Quote: I'm sure you've tried to get him to read Michele's book.
when he first decided he'd like to try to come home, he was confused and scared etc. I was on my way out to an apointment so I left him with the infidelity section of dr to help him feel a little better...when I got home he had read that section and started reading the book from the begining...claimed to want to read more but that was the end of that.
sure h will go to c...but it seems to me that he wants to just sit there and say everthing is great. If any "issues" are brought up he withdraws...he may retreat and think about it later someway somehow indirectly but I never count on it.
Quote: Is he willing to work on the problem?
not directly.
ie. after this mornings phone call (the one during wich he hung up on me) I found someone to help me out with the kids so I could go to the apointment...I never called to let him know anything...he called at noon to see if I got someone...he called at 2:30 to see how my exam went and to let me know about a thunderstorm that would be passing through and to be careful...he called at 5 to ask about traffic and weather...he called at 8:30 (I had class tonight) to let me know about another storm passing...he called at 8:40...he called at 9 to see if I got the 8:30 message and to let me know about the storm. when I did get home he showed me the storm on the puter...and now he's watching tv...I'm sorry but calling me about storms and telling me to be careful isn't going to get you out of being a jerk and hanging up on me. Will he eventually say "LL I'm sorry about today (or the other day) I just want it all to be in the past...I didn't make the connection that you did with my not being available to take you to the doc (connection to him taking ow to doc apt) I'm sorry all of this ever happend...I LOVE YOU LL" aint gonna happen. instead he may try to just be goofy or heck even initiate sex...I'm tired of that routine..it just doesn't work.
Quoting shinybear: Are you planning to tell him in any way? Or just start ignoring him?
basically my words to him before he hung up on me were...."if you are going to continue to talk to me this way, to have little compassion for me, I am shutting down"
I can't ignore him...I'm not rude...but he will notice he's not dumb...what will he do about it? squirm that's about all.
Quoting lostlove: Or more significantly if h weren't treating me like a mother or sister I wouldn't notice other men as much as I do.
LL, I may have missed this in some of your previous posts or threads, but have the two of you ever talked about this before? yes! before I started my emt class I specifically let h know that if things continue the way they are I will be in danger...that when I leave this house to go to school or work there will be men that want to talk to me, spend time with me, express interest in me and what am I to do say oh no I cannot I must remain faithful to the guy at home who doesn't want to spend time with me or be with me. obviously that was understood. NOT!
I don't think that this is a very uncommon thing in couples, but I'm not sure how much this gets talked about between partners. trust me I've talked about it plenty...h just doesn't get it...and ya'd think that after his little exertion with a married woman who felt similar to me he'd know what can happen...perhaps he has to much faith in me.
Back to the "Passion Prevails" part of the Marriage Map. A place that needs to be revisited by all couples often. it just doesn't seem like h is interested....see I understand that passion does fizzle...that you have to at times work to keep it there...h I suppose is from the school of if it's there, it's there, if it aint it aint and you guessed it for some wacky reason it aint once again.
What stuff from way back in the past used to get him "hot to trot"? Back when you first started going out, and/or got married? Before kids came into the picture? The times when he used to make you feel like more than a wife and a Mom, back to the times when you both made each other feel like a Man, and a Woman.
You might have to dig WAY deep for this right now, but give it some thought, and see what you can come up with. What kinds of things could maybe be recreated.
JJ
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Hey, LL...Brian, Man, are you speaking my thoughts for me now????
I came back on here to share that how you are feeling is how I feel when things are really at a low tide in our sex life...and for us...that can really be a dry spell...and it's not just about frequency.
It's about FEELING desired, wanted, sexy....It's about having something SPECIAL with your spouse...something only you share. A spark beyond "male relative" status!!
Clearly LL, your H KNOWS he screwed up today. All of his phone calls, lame as they are to you, to HIM they were an attempt to "make it alright"...if they guy didn't care and was REALLY a jerk..he wouldn't have tried so hard.
NOW don't get me wrong...I can definitely see your side... the very THOUGHT of H being "there" for OW in her hour of need and then just dismissing you...well!!!
NOW...since our sitches converge on this blasted physical intimacy issue... I CAN say for sure that things look WAY better when I feel loved in that manner. Conversely, when the dry spells get to me (which is pretty much always? ) I find myself digruntled, disappointed and longing for more.
Sorry about my use of the word "ignore" I just meant what you'd indicated...just sort of living "around him". Especially after his attempts to smooth over tonight, I hardly think he'd just adjust!
Well...how about it...Pam's been trying to guess what we all look like... I ranted about me for a while ...what about you??? IF you dare .
Quoting Jamesjohn: What stuff from way back in the past used to get him "hot to trot"? in the begining just like any new r...it just was, then he started to get tired. Back when you first started going out, and/or got married? "the problem" started long before marriage Before kids came into the picture? let's put it this way, when I told my boss that I was pregnant his response was "I thought you didn't do that" The times when he used to make you feel like more than a wife and a Mom, back to the times when you both made each other feel like a Man, and a Woman.
You might have to dig WAY deep for this right now, but give it some thought, and see what you can come up with. What kinds of things could maybe be recreated. after a while it became a sit where sex was something that mostly occured at the end of an evening out upon our return home. h cannot seem to make the time to go out on a "date" now and honestly the last couple that we did go on ended with a peck on the cheek goodnight...it seems a hopeless cause, funny though that on our last evening out wich was well over a month ago we stopped a victoria secret to spend a gift cert that I had..I let h pick out stuff...his first question was how are you set in the thong department, why the hell should he care if I wear a thong when he doesn't even notice? I just leave them in the drawer and wear them when I feel like it...thing is wearing them makes me feel like it and then I resent h all the more for ignoring me! oh ya and that night ended with nothing as well. It's a hopeless cause.
I will say though that h did always seem more interested when we'd go away on vacation...we haven't been on a vacation alone since son was born 4 years ago...aside from the little ski trip we took this winter..and on that trip I was turned down. I'm not bothering to initiate anymore...tired of the rejection.
there are obviosly more important issues...this one just makes the rest more iritating...like let's see...after todays bad interaction h is choosing to watch tv (actually by now he's probably asleep on the couch) instead of asking me what I'm doing and trying to appologize for hanging up on me or at least addressing the issue of todays "argument".
), your H MAY just wake up at last.
...what about you??? IF you dare 
.