Oh, Dan! I'm soooo sorry that you are suffering (that so many of us are!). Hang in there...I can't imagine that the confrontation will be worse than the "knowing" that you are already doing. I know it wasn't for me. In fact, in so many ways, it was such a relief. However you decide to handle it will be fine too.
I know what you mean about "losing your enthusiasm for being with" her. I feel that way a lot too. What kind of crazy person would even consider spending another minute in a M with someone so hurtful and after such a betrayal? But, then I remember that I took a vow, and, no matter what my H thought about his side of the deal, mine still means what it meant way back then..."for better and for worse."
Don't get me wrong, there's not one soul in your life who would blame you for throwing in the towel...no one here would blame you either. But, I personally, want to know that I gave it my all...I want to be able to tuck my kids in bed at night knowing that I was willing to love their father through the roughest of times when he was the least lovable person on earth!
I really suggest that you pick a date...then you don't have to worry. Mine's Feb. 1. On that day, I'll have the discussion with myself again. Have I seen any progress in my R? By the way, I've even identified some measures so I'll know if there's been progress. Do I see any more or less hope than I did when he first left? Etc. If the answers are not in favor of the M, I'll likely file for the D. But, until Feb. 1, I'm not going to consider filing, etc.
The noticing you don't care as much I think is what they call detaching. I'm not there yet...in fact, I'm far, far, far away from there. But, I think it's a good place to be. Then you can be content in your life while you wait for you selected date to arrive.
To be honest, there's a lot more to D than just the lack of the loving feelings. Fear of the unknown is one of those things! I think my H hasn't filed for D for finanacial reasons. But, whatever the reason, I'm taking it as an opportunity to work on me, and I'm praying that God will open his eyes before it's too late.
Take care of yourself!!!
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
