Quote: umm....isn't there also the alternative of testosterone injections?
I don't think I need any testosterone...and honestly I don't think h does either...he works hard all day...and when he gets home he usually continues to work hard in the yard...it is not very often that you'd find my h just sitting around..there is no doubt he's manly...plus...it would be extremely difficult to get him to consider such a treatment when he doesn't seem to think "it's" a problem...his answer is..."that's just the way I am" "I've always had dry spells" etc etc etc....
the truly crappy part of the whole thing is that I am expected to understand "the way he is" and accept it...and he doesn't seem to feel any need to understand "how I am" and accomodate me. ie. during both pregnancies starting very early on..h lost all interest in sexual contact but my interest only went through the roof...but because it was something that was just "taboo" for him...I had to go without...no fair!!
I think I'm starting to reach a point where I am loosing interest myself...just getting tired of having a desire that I cannot act upon...so that desire is diminishing to the point where I almost sit and hope that h doesn't initiate.
it's not worth talking about because h I'm sure if I mentioned something at this point (being almost two weeks) h would say.."I wanted to the other night but didn't want to bother you because of your eye" that's all fine and dandy but how about letting me decide if my eye is a determining factor in if I wish to be physical with you or not.
not much new to add...well maybe cept for the fact that I sent h and son out to fill one of my perscriptions for my eye (I have to keep the damn thing dialated (oh it's real fun trying to look at this screen) and drop steroids every hour) h returned with no script but did bring me icecream and some roses. I wonder why he always has them be from son and not himself or both of them?
not much has changed around here as far as how I feel about things.
still a sense of distrust. still a certain distance (I believe on my part not his) still a lack of physicalness (again h may attribute this to my eye troubles) I'm tired and looking forward to finishing class, but also afraid to start actually working on the ambulance want ow to move to siberia (or better yet iraq) or at least for h to tell me he's droping her as a customer.
don't bother to try to convince me otherwise..I've made up my mind..a decision that has long since been in the making..long before h had his little girlfriend..long before h lied to me about continuing to keep his little girlfriend...long before h left...long before h came home etc etc etc.
I don't want to be married to h anymore...I simply have no choice but to keep him around for the sake of the kids..but as far as a life with him...I don't care anymore...I don't want to waist my life away loving someone who just doesn't get it. the door is closed. game over.
dbing is great for those people who screwed up...who were living wrong..who were judgemental or selfish or self absorbed or reserved or closed off..or afraid etc etc etc. I was none of those things...h was..by all rights I should have left him a long time ago...infact I never should have married him and I knew it then (and no that's not some alien talking either) I'm all done with this.
Quote: Let me ask you this...what will you be doing differently now that you've made your decision?
giving little to no consideration to h and his feelings (as if he has any) not bothering to do his laundry (or rather finish it for him when he pretends to be doing it by simply bringing it up to the laundry room and maybe putting it in the washer)
not bothering to cook any special meals for him (heck the kids are happy with pb&j or mac and cheese and could care less about roast beef dinners or chicken marsala)
not bothering to answer the phone when he calls
not bothering to call him
not bothering to consider him when friends call to ask me to go out.
not bothering to be available to him
not bothering to care where his is or what he's doing
making more use of the birthday gift my friends gave me and not feeling guilty about it..infact I think I'll invest in a new improved model.
Quote: Did something "happen" last night, today?
let's see...I've been having a problem with my eye...went to one er last monday...then to mass eye and ear on wed...was asked by the doctor to return on sat then asked to return again on sunday...have to go back again today...had planned for a friend to come with me so that the kids could be attended to while I go in for exam...he's busy (he's also gay no ea or pa there just a childhood friend) with a dentist appointment he was reminded of yesterday...now let's back track and recall how ow friendship was disclosed to me...h stopped work when she called to take her to a pre scheduled doctors appointment...h called to say hello...I let him know that I have to find someone to help me with the appointment...he tells me to call our occassional sitter, or my cousin, or someone...never once bothers to say anything resembling "I'll see what I can do with my schedule" then proceeds to be a jerk about things when he can sense that I'm obviously aggrivated by it. eventually just plain hangs up on me.
ow's house seems to no longer be for sale...wonder if she's still divorcing her h.
I just don't like this pathetic life. I just don't like my h. I just don't like being so lonely. I just don't like being with a man who thinks it's perfectly fine to put me last. I just don't like knowing that the only reason h is even here is because of his children.
I'm all set with this life...I'm tired of not wanting to come home...I'm tired of not wanting to be here when I am...I'm tired of feeling like a fool...I'm tired of feeling humilitated. I'm tired of h expecting me to just say ok it's fine..nothings really changed but I'm ok with what you put me through....I'm tired of h's lack of empathy...I'm tired of just pretending that this life is good enough...IT'S NOT! I didn't deserve any of what h did and I'm tired of taking responsibility for it!!
Feeling sad for you that things are going so badly. It is so hard when nothing we do seems to work, when nothing seems to get through. You are absolutely right. You shouldn't have to be the one trying so hard when he was the one who screwed things up. You'd think that he would be able to show a little remorse and a lot more effort in making things right with you. The total unfairness of it is completely enraging.
You won't leave, because of the kids, and that by itself is yet another example of the wonderful woman you are. I can only guess at what type of arrangement you have in mind. Please describe what you're thinking. Perhaps your plan is to basically change nothing, except that you will close off your heart to him and stop trying to make things better. Just living life for yourself and for your children without worrying or caring about your H.
Which is, as you well know, what a classic WAW does, for awhile, before she actually walks away. I'm not saying you would ever actually leave. Maybe you have the kind of strength that most people don't, and could live like that for many years. But your youngest is very young, and won't be 18 for a long long time. And you are attractive, and have strong sexual desires. Motive and opportunity.
So what am I trying to say? That at some point you would stray and that the whole thing would blow up and end in D anyway? Not necessarily, but come on, let's not kid ourselves into thinking that being a live-in WAW would be anything but simply a different kind of hell. I know that you might gain a measure of peace in not having to try anymore, and that you might gain a measure of revenge, but it's no kind of life for you.
I'm also wondering whether your H really realizes just how close you are to being gone. I'm thinking as a man here, and recalling my own situation vividly. I had no idea my W was so unhappy. Granted, she doesn't have your communications skills, and did not let me know in any way that I would understand how she felt before starting her A. I know that you have often tried to get your H to understand. The thing is, I know that my W THOUGHT that she had communicated her unhappiness to me. And in hindsight, I can see that she did, in some ways. But I had my own resentments, and did not treat her expressions of unhappiness as being more than, or even equal to, my own. And so I didn't respond, and didn't have my eyes opened until that terrible 26th of February when she said she didn't think she loved me anymore. I know you think you've told him until you're blue in the face, that you've tried over and over, and given him every opportunity to respond to you. But are you completely sure that the situation is crystal clear to him? Any chance at all that he has interpreted your attempts at communicating as nagging over little things rather than expressions of deep dissatisfaction?
I'm also wondering if there are any LRT-type options left. Any way to rock his world while staying with him. I am not sure what this might entail, am certainly not suggesting some A or open marriage. But is there yet a way to open his eyes to what he could be losing?
Quote: I'm also wondering if there are any LRT-type options left. Any way to rock his world while staying with him. I am not sure what this might entail, am certainly not suggesting some A or open marriage. But is there yet a way to open his eyes to what he could be losing?
well let's see...I've already pulled the "I'm calling a lawyer myself" routine..actually did make an appointment...h wasn't sure what to do with that one...but eventually decided that he didn't want me to leave him and that is when he became willing to go to c with me...
there is no other card to pull..the deck has been shuffled too many times...if I were to have an a (and mind you I am damn close...the only thing keeping me from it is the fact that I don't want to stoop to his level).
most people are devistated when they hear the line "Ily I'm not inwy" well my response was..."I'm not inlove with you either, I just happen to love you".
so you see I was already on the way to waw when all this started...I already had thoughts of one day leaving or better yet not having to leave (I know that's morbid).
there are only so many ways that you can say things and if they don't get through they don't get through.
honestly at this point I am convinced that h and I should not have married...it was a mistake...h came home because it was "the right thing to do" sure he loves me...like a sister or cousin etc...
what will happen?? I don't know..I'm not going anywhere...a few years left til I get alimony so I might as well suck it up...best case..things get better...worse case they don't but I'll be set with alimony and the kids will be old enough that I can have a life without guilt.
so off to the eye doctor..luckily a friend is comming with me to keep the kids entertained while I go in...ah but I wont have to make any phone call to h if I am seen...he knows my friend. I don't lie like he does!!
Is there someone else...or the spectre of someone else? Perhaps a muscular fireman in your class?
You know, I've been going through something similar lately...which is weird because you and I seem to hit certain rough spots at the same time. In any case, my W will seem to be trying, meeting my love language and such, and then back off until I remind her (again) that she's backing off. It's a pattern that continues to repeat itself. She apologizes, then works a little harder on "us," then drops back again to old habits. I got frustrated with this and told her so the other day. Her response was, "You know I'm a tough nut to crack. Sometimes you just need to remind me." My response was that I'm tired of shouldering most of the burden for our R and that it was her responsibility to work just as hard as me. Flippin' exasperating!
My point?
Perhaps as your 180 you've become too quiet, not telling your H your needs any longer. I know you feel you have gone overboard in this department in the past, but if you never tell him how you're feeling, then nothing will get resolved. I imagine he'd be very surprised to find out exactly how you are feeling these days, LL. We both know communication is the key...and that's why I make sure I tell my W how I feel. However, I understand getting sick and tired of having to do all of the work. It is definitely the same for me.
I also know how you feel about your H not really "caring" whom you hang out with (with reference to men). I still get the feeling from my W that she doesn't care enough to be jealous. I'm sure you know what I mean by this statement. Frankly, it makes me want to do something a bit unorthodox...just to throw her for a huge loop...but make it be a test of her resolve to want to stay with me. You know? Last night, I went as far to ask her how she'd feel if I just bailed 'cuz I don't get the feeling she'd care too much. Her response was that she'd be sad. Hmmm....
It's the difference between "being" in an R, and "participating" in an R. Our Ses are the former and we're the later.
Anyway, I wasn't trying to hijaak your thread. I simply see many similarities between our sitches and I wanted to give you an idea of what I'm thinking/doing to try to break that mold; however, I have been "stuck" lately.
