Quote: I think you are going to have to go back to the all time DB basic premise: PATIENCE.
patience!! I am so tired of being patient...what you don't understand is that I was being patient before all this crap started...constantly being told next year will be better...I'll have more time...just let me get this year under my belt..etc...etc...empty promises that things would get better and he'd have more time...I had just reached a point where I accepted the trade off...so h wasn't around all that much..so we didn't do a whole lot together...I was afforded the luxury of staying at home with my kids in a beautiful new home with a nice yard to boot! only to discover what a fraud it all was...h was in love with some one else...that was a year and 9 months ago..then h gave me a taste of how good it could be...only to then leave four months later (a year and 5 months ago) to then eventually return and show me how truly great it could be (roughly a year ago) only to again return to a state of almost roomates. so tell me how much friggen patients do I need to have???!!!
and what is it you suppose I do whilst I'm being patient???? without becoming a waw myself? without becoming involved in an ea or pa of my own whilst I get myself a life to keep me busy while I'm patiently waiting for h to take his foot off the damn dock and get in the boat???
Not to change the subject (but I guess I am), but in my perusings on these boards, I've noticed what I think is an unusually high percentage of cases like yours and Shiynbears in which the LD husband betrays the attractive HD wife. I gotta say, I just don't get it. It would seem much more understandable if there were lots of HD husbands betraying LD wives (no less wrong, but more understandable, in the classic "I wasn't getting any at home" vein) . For me (I guess I would consider myself mid or high desire), I always feel more loved and connected to my W when we're intimate, so I have an overall sense of being loved and connected when we're intimate often and regularly. Like you, I get frustrated when intimacy doesn't occur, and when it gets very irregular, I start to feel unloved and unloving.
The typical thing we hear is that men have A's for sex and women have A's to get emotional needs met. If that's so (and I generally agree with it), then why do there seem to be so many cases like yours?
I don't have any answers, or even any good guesses as to why. Any thoughts? It's possible that I'm way off base and that this LD-husbands-betraying-HD-wives trend doesn't even exist. Just seems to be something I've noticed.
LL, I'm with you. I am sick of being patient, myself. And I know that you deserve so much more than you are receiving. And I know that you have been working so incredibly hard, and it is so frustrating. And, of course, there ARE LBS that don't wait it out, that have their own MLC and become WAS themselves. It ALL sucks. But, before you throw in the towel, just remember how far you have come (and how tired you are to hear that, too...) and how hard this stage is for everyone. Ellie and Sage all took a long time to find a place where they were at peace with their H's. Let time heal your wounds, vent here, find positives with your sitch, and try hard not to dwell so on the negatives.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: The typical thing we hear is that men have A's for sex and women have A's to get emotional needs met. If that's so (and I generally agree with it), then why do there seem to be so many cases like yours?
well brian,
all I can say is I dunno? especially since h at this point still claims it never to have gotten to a pa...it just never happened (sometimes I believe and sometimes well I just put myself in that position and say there's no way I'd leave or lie if I weren't getting any)
heck even ow still denies "LL, I know you'll never believe us, but it just wasn't like that, anyone can have a physical relationship" or "you get a divorce if you're going to be physical" gee I wonder if asking your h for a d is enough to remove that clause?
strange thing is when h first moved out...he initiated sex at least three times before deciding it wasn't fair to me.
and when he first started to come back to me...sheesh he couldn't get enough...but that is typical of a ld person...to be overboard and then crash to almost nothing...I will admit though things are better than they used to be before all this he could go months with nothing..now the longest seems to be a couple of weeks...right now we're at 2 weeks maybe I'll have something to post about in the morning.
but I would tend to agree...at least in my case..and yes I'll shamefully admit to having said it outload more than a few times...I'm the one who should have been having the a!! but I digress.
I'm so glad to read your reply to my little rant...after posting in I did think to come back and let you know I wasn't ranting at you or your advice...but you obviously understand that.
Quote: and try hard not to dwell so on the negatives.
I'm finding this to be the most dificult part. trying to note what actually is a negative...trying to stop myself from turning the positives into negatives by noting "well so what he was doing this or that while deep in his a anyway so how do I know it's a good thing"
ugh!! someday I'll breath easy...perhaps letting go of the fear of impending doom will do it.
after all what do I really have to fear anyway? nothing! he "needs" me far more than I "need" him anyway...that has been proven time and time again...I just keep forgeting it.
Quote: perhaps letting go of the fear of impending doom
I'm quite familiar with this, unfortunately... Saw a bumper sticker, fear is temporary, regret is permanent. Just keep telling yourself that worry and fear are not going to improve your situation.
Is there something that turns him on (did you read the Altoid post??), showers, massage, etc.? Or does he avoid everything that might lead to sex? Good luck LL, hang in there.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
maybe I'm wrong about 2 weeks but it's defineately over a week. I know it's written here somewhere but right now I can't go back and look.
Quote: Is there something that turns him on (did you read the Altoid post??), showers, massage, etc.? Or does he avoid everything that might lead to sex?
nothing is consistant. we've showered together and have had it lead to something, but have also showered together and NADA, perfume...sometimes it may matter sometimes it doesn't. what I wear...sometimes it matters sometimes it doesn't. time of day? day week?
Quote: last night when I got home from class h was awake.. he thanked me for putting the cover on the pool (something he said he wanted to do when he got home because it was going to rain) and for fixing a broken drawer (yes jethro LL vila). and then that wierd guy who first came home was here, you know the one who despite the hour couldn't keep his hands off me...I like that guy...he was here last night
posted 8/1 and today is 8/9 so I WAS wrong about two weeks but a week can certainly feel like two. I think I'll start keeping a seperate physical touch journal so that I know for sure the time in between, I'll also add to it any touch at all (including those little kisses hello and good bye) I wont bore you all with it here...I'll simply do it for myself to see if I can find any correlation...I will not what I wear do and all that other stuff.
off to have my eye looked at again today...(sorry I haven't been around others threads much...reading really is a strain on the bad eye...perhaps today we'll get it straitened out and I can stop wearing sunglasses all day or this silly eye patch).
Hi LL I can sympathise with your HD/LD situation with your H. My theory on Brian's question is that we somehow chase away the LD guy because having the woman persue them makes them feel less of a man. I think most men whether High or Low would like to be the one to chase and then automatically get compliance from the woman of course!
Now I have young kids my libido has taken a bit of a dive and the situation has almost been reversed but I spent my early 30s (female sexual peak time) VERY frustrated with my LD man. NOTHING I did seemed to work.
Maybe the answer is to quit chasing - at all. Have you read grislen's thread. He is doing a 180 on physical touch and initiation right now and it seems to be working for him.
Oh BTW you are my demi-god too - LOL
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
Very interesting question and discussion. Thanks Brian.
I, too, wonder if this is a trend. If Fran's on board, that's three of us...any other HD (high desire/sex drive) women who were cheated on by LD (low drive) men?
It IS very frustrating, and baffling. I HEAR you LL, I can't tell you how astounded I was to learn that CJ had had an A (and I KNOW it was physical ). I was the one who had actually one time said "Well if we're not going to get counselling or do something about our sex-life, I may have to resort to alternatives" I meant toys and porn ...but HE didn't know that! I could have meant an A. He never asked. Of COURSE nothing improved.
Funny, LL, but I keep track too. It's rather rare so I like to put a little heart in my daily minder.
Two weeks sounds like something I could SETTLE for...we're still talking in months here...well not if you count touching.
Ha ha ha...just checked my own memory out and it's only been a week or so here, too!!! Oh, my...memory isn't all that reliable, is it!
So, LL, you've done the patience thing forever, 180's in order????
Wonder how your H (or CJ for that matter) would respond if we sat them down with a drink, and calmly suggested that we seek physical pleasure elsewhere while keeping all else that was good in our M's? You know like some married men do?
Oh, geez, can you see the expressions???
Okay, I'd better stop, I'm really not helping, am I?
maybe I'll have something to post about in the morning.
). I was the one who had actually one time said "Well if we're not going to get counselling or do something about our sex-life, I may have to resort to alternatives" I meant toys and porn 
...but HE didn't know that! I could have meant an A. He never asked. Of COURSE nothing improved.