ponderings

[lostlove]

First, how does one post to a DBing demigod? Should I bow three times before entering the throneroom?

first let me start by laughing out loud at that one....me a dbing demi goddess...I doubt it! but thanks!

I'm sure that if someone else posted them, you would be able to give great advice.

of course I would, but then again I'm not dealing with someone else, I'm dealing with me and my own damn feelings!! poo!

First of all, what is your meaning of "accept"? I'm sure you don't mean "approve of", or even "condone". What he did was unacceptABLE. So it's not a matter of accepting the A, it's a matter of forgiving it and moving on with the rest of our lives. Replace the word "accept" with "forgive", and you can go from thinking of yourself as a doormat to thinking (more clearly) of yourself as a compassionate, loving, and strong woman.

well I suppose I've let too much of forgiveness be driven by "understanding" and thus in a sense "accepting" h's indiscretion. funny I don't feel strong for accepting or forgiving it...I feel weak and ashamed.

ow actually had the nerve to say to me...."I've got to give you credit, you're a stronger woman than I am, it's one thing to repair your m when your h's had an a, but to know that your h is in love with someone else"

grrrrrrr!! grrrr!!! slap...slap!! pow! bam! it is hard damn it...it is...but it's obvious for many other reasons that I am a stronger woman than she is! I wasn't having an a ea or otherwise...I don't sit and pout and say I'm leaving my h because he doesn't love me...booo whoo! I really pity the poor pathetic little girl that she is...I pitty h for having had feelings for her too..what a sucker!

This might be really the crux of the matter for you right now. So much is tied up in this. Resentment that you still spend a part of every single day feeling bad about the A, when he seems free to be happy; the feeling that if he were truly sorry that he could not bounce back so easily; the feeling that he is minimizing your pain; pissed that you are STILL doing the heavy lifting in the matter of caring and worrying about the R; fear that things are slipping back into the old pre-A routines (BTW, I'm going through many of these same exact feelings right now, can definitely relate!).

When I think about it objectively, I really can't see my W going from a person who struggled hard every day for months considering the question of her M with me (and balancing it against her new R with the OG), to simply recommitting to our M and never thinking about the A or any R stuff anymore. No, I'm sure she thinks about this stuff every day. To be sure, it's not as much as I think about it, but I don't think it's possible for a switch to go off that suddenly would make her never think about it all. But, for her, once the primary question was settled (should she stay or should she go), a sense of peace seemed to take over. Also, I've made some important changes to myself through DBing, so she's much happier with who I am. Couple that with perhaps (not yet confirmed) a little guilt and embarrassment about the A (more reasons not to think much about the recent past) and you have a prescription for a person who is basically happy and forward-looking, a person that may falsely give the impression of not caring and being "too easily" happy. Any chance your H may be like this?

great points!! but I do wish that h would be a bit more open about his fears, feelings, reservations etc. no point in trying to protect me from himself or to protect himself from me...it's just not going to get us anywhere.

I think you know the answers better than I. In order, yes, to some extent; no, but you will because it's your best option; and, yes, working toward a happy M is far better than being divorced, even while living with the scar. Besides, even if you got a divorce, you would still have a scar from the infidelity. You wouldn't be reminded of it every day, perhaps, but it'd be there just the same. The experience is just a part of who we are now. It can't be undone and we can't escape it, even if we were to leave our spouses.

I know the answer to that one, obviously...if I didn't know the answer I'd have gotten a divorce before h even asked for one...I'd have filed the day I discovered the "secret friendship" and that would have been the end of it.

ok so now let me "complain" a bit....

h makes no plans for us to do anything together...uses work as an exuse...can't even get home for me to get to class...I have to get a sitter to cover til he gets home and that is at no specific time...

last night he was able to leave work to be ready to hit the road by 5pm....didn't get home til 2am (went to a pre season football game) and now is cutting out of work early simply because he's tired...

gee I wonder....

why can't you cut out of work early to maybe spend some time with your w and kids??

I think I'll plan on going out to the movies or something tonight as I'm sure h will be asleep as soon as he can.

LL