First, how does one post to a DBing demigod? Should I bow three times before entering the throneroom? Seriously, you've been a big help to me and legions of others, and you should know how much I appreciate it.
I hesitate to try to address your questions. I'm sure that if someone else posted them, you would be able to give great advice. Maybe you should reread your post and think about your questions as if I wrote them.
That said...
Quoting lostlove:so, tonight I'm feeling like why should I do this? why should I accept h's affair even if just an ea, it was a pretty significant ea, enough to move out and ask for a d.
...wondering how h views me having accepted his indiscretion and "allowed" him to come home.
First of all, what is your meaning of "accept"? I'm sure you don't mean "approve of", or even "condone". What he did was unacceptABLE. So it's not a matter of accepting the A, it's a matter of forgiving it and moving on with the rest of our lives. Replace the word "accept" with "forgive", and you can go from thinking of yourself as a doormat to thinking (more clearly) of yourself as a compassionate, loving, and strong woman.
Quote: it seems like h healed awful quickly. almost as if within a month of his statement of confussion he went from a man who sat on the bottom step with his head in his hands telling me that he felt like he was in hell, to a man who seems very confident in his position.
This might be really the crux of the matter for you right now. So much is tied up in this. Resentment that you still spend a part of every single day feeling bad about the A, when he seems free to be happy; the feeling that if he were truly sorry that he could not bounce back so easily; the feeling that he is minimizing your pain; pissed that you are STILL doing the heavy lifting in the matter of caring and worrying about the R; fear that things are slipping back into the old pre-A routines (BTW, I'm going through many of these same exact feelings right now, can definitely relate!).
When I think about it objectively, I really can't see my W going from a person who struggled hard every day for months considering the question of her M with me (and balancing it against her new R with the OG), to simply recommitting to our M and never thinking about the A or any R stuff anymore. No, I'm sure she thinks about this stuff every day. To be sure, it's not as much as I think about it, but I don't think it's possible for a switch to go off that suddenly would make her never think about it all. But, for her, once the primary question was settled (should she stay or should she go), a sense of peace seemed to take over. Also, I've made some important changes to myself through DBing, so she's much happier with who I am. Couple that with perhaps (not yet confirmed) a little guilt and embarrassment about the A (more reasons not to think much about the recent past) and you have a prescription for a person who is basically happy and forward-looking, a person that may falsely give the impression of not caring and being "too easily" happy. Any chance your H may be like this?
Quote: I start to wonder...will this be a scar I carry forever? do I want to live with such a scar? is living with the scar of infidelity and working toward a happy m better than the scar of being divorced as a result of infidelity?
I think you know the answers better than I. In order, yes, to some extent; no, but you will because it's your best option; and, yes, working toward a happy M is far better than being divorced, even while living with the scar. Besides, even if you got a divorce, you would still have a scar from the infidelity. You wouldn't be reminded of it every day, perhaps, but it'd be there just the same. The experience is just a part of who we are now. It can't be undone and we can't escape it, even if we were to leave our spouses.
Hope your current clouds are lifted soon. We need an upbeat LL on these boards.
