thanks for the bump sage, especially since I know you are busy trying to catch up having been away. Glad you enjoyed your vaca and even happier to hear you're happy to return home.
so, tonight I'm feeling like why should I do this? why should I accept h's affair even if just an ea, it was a pretty significant ea, enough to move out and ask for a d. wondering if I trust him. wondering if I am truly happy in this r. wondering if I'm happy at all. wondering how h views me having accepted his indiscretion and "allowed" him to come home.
tonight at emt class there was some conversation among some classmates about infidelity and marriage. Made me want to get up and leave. I sat there feeling like the dumb woman who's h had an affair and left her but was to weak to say screw when he asked to come home (or rather to be released fromt the hell he created for himself).
I wish I could go back and do it all over again. go back to the point at wich h stated his confusion that is. not saying I wouldn't have let him come home, just wishing I had done some things differently.
what would I have done differently?
probably would not have been so concerned with when he would actually move back home.
would not have been so "needy" or "expressive" of my negative feelings (though for a while that seemed to work very well) it was nice when I was the "strong" one in the r offering support and assurance to h that everything would be ok.
it seems like h healed awful quickly. almost as if within a month of his statement of confussion he went from a man who sat on the bottom step with his head in his hands telling me that he felt like he was in hell, to a man who seems very confident in his position.
wonder why that should be? why should I, the lbs, the non-betraying partner be worried or concerned about how things are going or about his feelings etc. should he be the one who is concerned? shouldn't he wonder how I'm feeling about things?
I guess I'm feeling extra stress due to the high focus on infidelity these days in the media etc. I do have to wonder though, is the attention to infidelity any higher now than it was before, but it just seems that it is to us because now it's part of our lives? is it similar to when you get a new car, you never knew how many people drove that make and model til you have one too?
I start to wonder...will this be a scar I carry forever? do I want to live with such a scar? is living with the scar of infidelity and working toward a happy m better than the scar of being divorced as a result of infidelity?
as usual I'm full of more questions than answers.
I have some things to think about...assess....I'm not sure if I'm unhappy because I'M unhappy or if I'm just not happy in this relationship.
it's been several weeks since I've heard ily, even after stating that I'd like to hear it....the past few days have lent for easy times to say it (I've spent some time visiting er's for my eye) but it still hasn't come, concern is shown, calls are made...but no ily. LL
