5 weeks remain til next chapter starts

[istherehope]

One more VERY tiny update but one that is making me smile in a big way so worth sharing. I know everyone on here thinks I am too tied into what my H does/doesn't do. True, I admit I am, but I still think I am learning a lot about myself through the process :). Just have to share that a few minutes ago he sent me a link to a news article that he thought I'd like. SUCH a baby step sure, but remember that this is coming from a man who 6 weeks ago talked like a robot, said he was dead inside, and that he had no opinion on seeing me/not seeing me. I know things could flip tomorrow, but today he:

Called me a nickname
Sent me a link to a news article (showing interest in me)
Asked how I was doing
Asked how my job was going (never did this, really EVER)
Apologized for being mean yesterday
Said he was giving up yoga and painting to focus on his school (now I know this one sounds like a negative but to me it shows that he might be living a little bit less in his head, and I see this as a good thing)
Joked around with me about the pets
Used my personal credit card for something (I see this as positive, sharing finances)

Anyway I am trying not to place TOO much stock in this because our alien Hs can turn on a dime, but I feel like my DBing just MIGHT be starting to pay off...

ITH

[daisy282]

You're doing great ITH and you certainly have a right to get a little jazzed about it!

I think there is progress being made and while they seem like little things they are actually pretty big steps considering how long you spent in a holding pattern.

Keep it up!

[JenInVen]

WOW! ITH! That's a lot of positives for one day...added up those baby steps seem pretty big. Make sure you don't expect too much yet but those little things today are great...how did you respond/react to him?

[istherehope]

Thanks Jen!

I'm so glad to hear that they seem big to someone else :).

So, I THINK I was DB-tastic (I understand this isn't a real word). With his apology, I said "oh you weren't mean, maybe my budget wasn't that good"--this was with the intention of alleviating guilt. With the article he sent me, I said how much I liked it, and made a few comments about it to show I'd really read through it. When he talked about his school, I said how impressed I was with his ability to do an MBA while working, and when he talked about the pets, I said he "rocked" for taking such good care of them. Of course he went on to say yes it was really hard work...when he asked me about my job, I gave only a brief synopsis and asked him how his job was. When he said he was giving up yoga and painting for the budget, I said "sorry" and that's when he went on to talk about needing to devote time to school. In terms of the nickname, I keep calling him nicknames in all of our conversations, but not the lovey ones, only the funny sort of "mean" ones. It seems to be working though as he has followed suit.

OK this was a very good day. I hope Jody can get some positives out of him on tomorrow's call too!

Yes I know not to expect too much...I think he has his good and his bad days, and another bad day could always be around the corner :).

ITH

[JenInVen]

Great! Well if you can keep building on the positives it'll be just fine. Everyone has down days not only people who are sep so it's normal not to always be "on".

I think the next time he apologises you might say "that's ok" or "I understand". He may have felt the need to apologise and if you tell him he wasn't mean or whatever negative emotion then you aren't validating his feelings.

[istherehope]

Thanks Jen,

I think you're right about his apology. My intent was to alleviate guilt, but I need to remember that validation is one of my best tools!

ITH

[istherehope]

Grr,

Now he's onto me again about finances and how busy he is in terms of transferring money from one account to another. I'll just say it again. If I were THERE, this wouldn't be an issue...

ITH

[istherehope]

I REALLY have to bite my tongue to not try and help him think of solutions for coming up with spending money. I mean I already have a few in mind. This is what I should do right? Let him deal with this on his own? We have joint finances, and I really want to be a support while he is in school since he's said I wasn't in the past, but if he doesn't want me there, I am not sure I should give him the best of both worlds. Any thoughts on whether this will actually make him think a little bit about how things would be easier if I were there? If I struggle now to find ways to make this easy on him, maybe he will just think that I will always do this, regardless of our living sitch...I also want him to appreciate the things I did a little bit more, just so maybe he can start to see that things weren't all bad. Of course I also want to be seen as supportive for him while he's in school, but maybe instead with my ninja-like move back into the house, then it is at that time that I can start being extra-supportive, so he can equate my support with me being in the house...

ITH

[Separated]

Hi ITH - I personally think you need to let him figure this out on his own. Your right he can't have the best of both worlds, why should you be so stressed out trying to accomodate him? Plus I think it would be a 180 for you to back off and let him show his "non-dependent" side since that is what he is so scared of. Listen, I know, one of my problems too!! LoL. A few weeks ago H texted me asking to borrow some $, it was the hardest thing in the world for me to say no ( I am completly broke right now) even though I didn't have the money I was trying to figure ways to get if for him then I realized that this was ALWAYS the case before. I would always bend over backwards to get him what he needed whether I had it or not. If he wants to be on his own then he needs to realize what it is really like. Plus if he learns these things while he is "alone" then I feel when we do get back together it will make the marriage stronger because he won't have to always rely on me and I won't be "controlling" anymore. And another added bonus hopefully they will realize al the crap we did do for them once they have to do it for themselves!!!! Win Win

P.S. I love the way you are thinking of moving back as your ninja moves..lol. I can imagine you like sneaking in and backflipping into the house like "Ta Da I'm here!!!"

[istherehope]

Thanks S!

What a bold move it will be if I can actually pull off this moving back in thing, maybe a moment in DB history...am just trying to lay the groundwork now :). In fact I am planning to get back on a night where he has a test, and usually goes out to drink too much. In the past I have obsessively freaked out about his whereabouts on these nights. This time I would be calm and collected and send a text that I hope he has fun and I won't wait up, just be ninja-like in our bed and hope only for ML, and no discussions...

You're right that I shouldn't try to accommodate my H so much. At the same time I DO want to show him that I can be supportive while he is in school since he didn't feel this way about me before. It's a fine line...I'm trying instead to make sure he knows that I am available to help with editing papers,etc. I am also not ASKING him to do anything. He still thinks that this financial fiasco is partially my fault though when in reality we have overpaid for this year by about 3K because he got nervous, and THIS is what has put us in a bind...I mean we would owe it next year anyway. I really hope he figures this out soon :).

I will still let him off the hook for tonight's joint session if he sounds annoyed by it at the last minute. This could be another way to avoid too many R talks before the big day...

ITH