he only asked because there was an "argument" that led him to say "is that what you talked about last night" in a rather condesending arrogant tone.
Quote: Is he afraid to?
my guess would be yes he was afraid to ask, naturally he would assume that if I wanted to go alone it wouldn't be to sit and say everything is so wonderful and golly gee I don't think I've ever been so darn happy.
Quote: SHOULD he be afraid to?
no he shouldn't be afraid to. He should be able to ask, "gee hon, what did you talk with c about? any issues I can help with, are you doing ok, I'm sorry I put you through all this".
Quote: Seems to me that being asleep is a pretty good escape (one he uses all too often???)
sometimes he goes to sleep because he is just plain old tired but other times yes I do believe sleep is used to avoid!!! but it's very counterproductive and he still hasn't figured that out yet.
Quote: So did your C have any advice? Help? Words of wisdom?
c did point out that with each of the sessions we had together h seemed to ease up a bit more, be more present and less defensive, but is for some reason slow about it. also pointed out that it seems clear that h doesn't want to loose me. no real advice though as I tend to do most of the talking and conclusion drawing c is more a sounding board and I doubt that's a result of the type of c but more the type of me.
so I've been allowing myself to be dragged down a bit for some stupid reason, maybe it's the 10lbs I put on (during seperation I got so thin that people would always ask me if I was eating, I loved being that thin now I'm just a normal woman and I don't like it I liked the feeling of being able to pull anything from the closet and at worst have it be too big) being tired, h working alot (well no more than his typical summer schedule), kids at times driving me nuts, emt class stressing me out at times though I got a 100 on last nights quiz.
I guess I'm still foolishly waiting for something from h, what that is I still don't know, other than perhaps asking or heck demanding I put my rings back on.
We need to learn better how to "argue" or rather have a discussion about difficult things especially r related...it seems there are still two h's...one who listens and is compationate and anther who is arrogant and thinks I am a looney. in the end though he does know that what he did "was wrong and horrible and 'he's' sorry" and he "doesn't ever want to go through that again" "it was too painful" so I guess it's up to me to put my fears to rest and stop looking for more from him than I actually need.
Quote: Am wondering if you've thought about putting your rings on without him asking. thought about it but don't want to put them back on myself only to regret it later, especially since he knows I am waiting for him to simply ask.
I think I remember you saying that you were waiting for him to ask, but I'm wondering if he's thinking he doesn't have the right to ask? if he doesn't have a right to ask me to wear my wedding rings then he doesn't have the right to sleep in my bed, let me do his laundry, live in this house, refer to me as his wife etc etc etc.
this one is going to be a stickler and I'm sorry but I have to stick to it...I sent myself flowers after h's return because despite the fact that I had mentioned it he never acted so I did it myself, I asked that he make suggestions for us to go out and that hasn't happend but once or twice in the almost year that he's been back so I don't want to cave on this one as well...I don't think I'm asking for much...man ask your w to be your wife...ask your wife to proudly wear the rings you put on her finger the day you married her...we'll see....perhaps if nothing happens by our anniversary (sept) I will make arraingments with a priest to have vows renewed and then I will put them back on myself (as long as he's willing to go trough with it) that would be the only way I would put them back on myself.
Actually I think it's the therapist's code to let us do the vast majority of the talking, although ours did tap my toe a couple of times to shut me up!
Interesting, I was reading KAW's threads last night and ran across a time when his W went to see their therapist alone. HE did not feel he had the right nor wanted to ask about it!
THE WEIGHT THING... thank you for being honest, but your words just Jumped out at me. You see, I've not only taught about eating disorders, but I covertly treated a student of mine who is now (5 years later) a good friend.
LL, those feelings you described are pretty much exactly how women with anorexia feel. (No history of this problem???) That the thinness offers a kind of special status, and is sought above all else, but it's an illusion LL!! I'm probably overreacting here, but OH MY GOD if you only knew what my friend and the friends she's made in treatment have gone through! ...Nip this in the BUD!
And as for not asking H for more than you really NEED??? I think we both know you're worth more than that!
Quote: And as for not asking H for more than you really NEED??? I think we both know you're worth more than that!
well you me and a whole lot of other people know that I'm worth far more than I need and would be more than willing to go out of their way to give it to me....BUT with h all I can ask for is what I need and hope for the best...he doesn't seem to have the desire to go out of his way much for me and if I dare imply such a feeling to him I get the "it's never enough, no matter what I do your just not happy, why don't you start keeping a log" bla bla bla whatever! so the only thing I can do is accept it and lower my expectations and see what happens from there.
re the anorexia thing....no need to worry...I will always eat...I may not always be happy with my body (I always feel about 50lbs fatter than I am maybe that's why I didn't mind pregnancy at all...I had a right to be plump) oh well. gotta run kiddo's aren't happy.
I know I am going to get beat up, but you keep assuming H can figure this stuff out. We are clueless most of the time. You discussions sound like bitch sessions to him. So he is going to be defensive. I myself would be walking on eggshells with you, waiting for the next "discussion"
This saying applies "if what you are doing is not working try something else." So try something else.
On the ring thing, come right out and ask him to place the rings on your finger. This one is really dumb to be hung up on.
Quote: I know I am going to get beat up, but you keep assuming H can figure this stuff out. We are clueless most of the time. You discussions sound like bitch sessions to him. So he is going to be defensive. I myself would be walking on eggshells with you, waiting for the next "discussion"
This saying applies "if what you are doing is not working try something else." So try something else.
ok poey so what would you suggest for something else??????
Quote: On the ring thing, come right out and ask him to place the rings on your finger. This one is really dumb to be hung up on.
he knows where they are...I've cleaned them several times in the past year (it has been over a year since I took them off last march). they are in the cabinet that he keeps his vitamins in..he takes out a vitamin every night to have in the am...they are on the top of a nail polish bottle...he will simply move the vitamins to another shelf to avoid looking at them (my assumption). I've asked enough times, mentioned it enough times...I give up...when he's ready he will make mention of it or maybe he wont.
Your H sounds thick as a doorpost about this issue. Talk about mixed signals!...in most other aspects it's VERY clear that he's IN this M.
Now, you say that you "mentioned it" several times. I hate to harp on this, but it IS an issue for you, thus deserves some thought. Exactly what did you say to him, and when was the last time it came up??
Can you remember? If you can, try to recount the conversations here...memory can be revisionist, so try to be very true to the event....maybe some of us will be able to point out (Guys?? ) where he might have read in some ambiguity!
Or, maybe as KAW mentioned in an earlier post, to I can't remember who, perhaps your desire for this is percieved as somehow controlling? Even on an unconscious level?
I'm probably off base here, because I've heard a lot of your side on this, and you have a firm case!! Have you tried this one: "H, if you were to ask me to put my rings back on, it would help me feel that we're really in this M together and moving forward"
I just LOVED this idea when I read it...it's giving THEM the choice...I plan to do more of this myself, even with the "little stuff".
The ring issue is a touchy one...h knows all I want is for him to ask...I'd love an actual new proposal but a simple statement is really all I want.
last night when I got home from class h was awake.. he thanked me for putting the cover on the pool (something he said he wanted to do when he got home because it was going to rain) and for fixing a broken drawer (yes jethro LL vila). and then that wierd guy who first came home was here, you know the one who despite the hour couldn't keep his hands off me...I like that guy...he was here last night...then he appologized for how things went the other night (our argument wich was really stupid) and had a nice night together.
so I have a small dilema wich really has no solution... I needed a sitter for sat (I have emt class from 8am-4pm some saturdays) my gf called and said she missed me and the kids...I proposed we do something fri night she could stay over and then hang with the kids till h gets home from work aroun 1pm giving her time with me and then time with the kids. after making the plans and because h and I haven't spent a night together in a while I suggested to him that we do something saturday night...he said we'll see...that pissed me off...and from there the argument went.
gf suggested a place near her work as some of her work friends will be joining us...I didn't care for the idea...expressed it to h and that was that...at that point he already seemed (I know mindreading is no good) annoyed that I was going out (gee that's why I had suggested making plans for sat!) gf changed the plans to a place more in an area I'm familiar with (still a drive from here but anyplace is unless people come to me wich isn't always fair) but h still "seems" bothered.
honestly I would prefer that gf simply come up here, we hang out in the basement shoot some darts or go out local for dinner and then go to sleep, but that is what we typically do and it isn't always fair to her to drive up here.
here's the thing...when I was about to start emt class I was concerned that it would create a problem with my not being around..thought that if h still didn't "make" special time for me it would bother me, it hasn't (much) I'm so busy and tired that the quiet evenings are ok by me. during the "argument" the other night h brought up the fact that it was my choice to take this class (I hadn't brought it up at all) and that it's not his fault that it takes me away????
I'm puzzled...seems to me that despite the fact that h is not up and adam ready to play cards or shoot darts or something else....he wants me around. Now I have to wonder does he want me around becuase he wants me around or does he want me around because he doesn't trust me or am I simply assuming he wants me around??????
when we first got back together I still went out on occassion (mostly to the movies by myself or something like that) I had expressed to h that if he wanted me to stay home with him he simply need to speak up...say so...I may not always obliged but he should let me know instead of making me wonder.
I'm a tad confused.
part of me wants to go out tonight with gf and her friends...part of me wishes I could just tell her forget it just be here by 7am so I can leave for class, and then spend the evening with h..but I'm not sure if that's what I really want to do or if that's what I think would "keep the peace"
...Nip this in the BUD!
so the only thing I can do is accept it and lower my expectations and see what happens from there.
